The Ritual and the Emergency Room visit

The Ritual

Friday night I lit the Shabbat candles and said the prayers that thousands of women have said before me. Mr. Jem and I broke the bread and drank together as part of a ritual to recognize the sorrow of losing our embies and asking G-d for hope and for G-d's help when we are feeling so sad, so powerless.

We read how the tribes of Israel were founded not just by patriarchs like Moses and Abraham, but by women like Hannah who faced infertility and who prayed and asked for G-d's help. It brought me comfort to know that I am not alone. Not only do I have all you wonderful women and men on the interweb, but even the Torah/Bible has stories like ours, stories of barren women who cried out in the pain of their loss, who prayed and hoped (and finally got what they wanted - a baby). I'm still waiting for my own happy ending.

The Emergency Room Visit
I'm not yet feeling 100% hopeful, mostly due to this ectopic pregnancy that landed me in the Emergency Room Saturday night. Let me explain.

Saturday I ate normally but was experiencing some pain in my abdomen and an urgent trip to the bathroom in the morning. I felt better in the afternoon and Mr. Jem and I went with a friend on a walk at 4:00 p.m. Half-way (1 hour) through the walk (an easy hike) I started feeling very light headed and dizzy, so much so I had to stop and sit down more than once. I didn't feel hungry, but thought it might help to eat. Food usually makes me feel better.

We went to my favorite Pizzeria. I always order a bowl of soup because the pies take a while to come. It was minestrone and I didn't eat the beans, as I read that eating gassy food was not a good idea on Metho.trexate. Just before the pizza arrived my abdominal pain got really bad. Mr. Jem ran next door and bought me Ginger ale. The pain got so bad that I had to tell Mr. Jem and my friend R that I needed to go home. The pizza arrived, MR Jem and R ate a piece each while we paid the bill and we left. This was around 7:00 p.m. I called the clinic and was connected to the on-call doctor, Dr. Alternative. She asked me a bunch of questions (how sever was the pain, etc.) and said she wanted me to go to the Emergency Room.

At the ER they saw me pretty quickly. I explained what was going on (ectopic pregnancy, Metho.trexate on Wed, being monitored by my RE) to the Intake Nurse, the Doctor, the ER nurse and the nice sonographer. Was only mildly annoyed by the questions like, "When was the date of your last period?" and "When are you due?"

My answers: "Period? Irrelevant. I did IVF and we transferred three embryos on January 7." "Due date? I wish. This is an ectopic pregnancies. My HCG was too low and hasn't been doubling."

Oh, the other thing is they kept referring to Dr. Alternative as "Your OB" - Again, "I wish I had an OB. She's an RE at my fertility clinic."

Sigh.

They drew more blood (and put in an IV line - oww!). Two hours later I learned that my HCG was 350 - double the number (150) from Wednesday, just as Dr. W had said might happen.

Everyone at the ER was great. I especially liked the nurse, a cutey named Max who had a wonderful bedside manner. Oh, except when he tried to insist on putting in a catheter for my u/s. I told him no, I would drink lots of water and it would work. Luckily my argument won. It took about an hour to see get an ultrasound. U/S - via belly and vag - came back clear. Big sigh of relief. No exploding ovaries or tubes. Yay!

The ER doctor called Dr. Alternative with the results. She wanted me to stay for observations, but he said it wasn't necessary. My pain was mostly in the upper abdomen and was most likely a reaction to Metho.trexate. That was my conclusion, too. I am glad that they took the situation seriously, tho. Better safe than sorry.

So they sent me and Mr. Jem home. We got home around 11 p.m. Luckily, Mr. Jem had eaten a couple of pieces of pizza when I was on the phone with Dr. Alternative at 7:00 so he didn't starve. No pizza for me! Wasn't even hungry.

Today (Sunday), I've been relaxing and not eating much since. Ginger ale is my friend. Got two calls from the clinic - one from Dr. Alternative and another from the nurse. I feel very well monitored and taken care of.

I have to go for another Beta tomorrow (Monday). Hopefully we'll see the numbers go down. G-d, I hate saying that. It's so wrong. So, so wrong on so many levels.

So, as a result. I didn't:
- Get a mani/pedi like I wanted to
- Go to a charity event tonight that was taking place on a huge docked ship. Mr. Jem didn't go either, which made me feel bad. I guess IF is f'ing up both our lives.

Yes, folks, I want my life back. I want to feel normal. I want to be able to exercise, to have a glass of wine, to drink coffee, to take rigorous hikes, to have sex again. For fun.

Okay, thanks for letting me vent.

Yet again, IF is an @sshole (this is how comedian Doug Benson closes his podcasts I Love Movies).

Calm before the storm?

I feel really good today. So glad to have resolved the ectopic, or at least made a decision and taken action. I don't know what the next couple of weeks will bring. Dr. W said to expect my HCG to go up on Sunday, but then come back down after that. Also, cramping is not uncommon. Oh, joy!

Yesterday on the way to the appointment I listened to the Hope_for_Haiti_Now album. Jennifer_Hudson's version of Let_It_Be is so beautiful, made me cry, put everything in perspective. I feel so lucky to have a job I love, be married to a sweet, funny man. I have a roof over my head, food to eat. I have two charming cats to love me. I have a close family who support me.

A peace has descended on me again. I feel I can focus on my work. I'm even planning travel for work down to So Cal for the week of Feb 8th. As a bonus, I'm hoping to see a college friend, fellow IF'er, who is PG after her IVF (but multiple IUIs and miscarriages). Other bonus: I can avoid going to her baby shower, which I'm not sure I can handle. One-on-one, yes. A bunch of fertiles fawning over my friend, not so much.

***

Mr. Jem and I are planning a ritual to say goodbye to our embies for tomorrow at sundown, along with our sabbath ritual. There is a wonderful collection of Jewish-based rituals online here, if you are so inclined.

I definitely want to mark this moment. I am thinking of also getting some jewelry to remember them by. I loved all the ideas you all sent.

Thank you all again for all the love and support.

The verdict

Left work early to get to the clinic (1.5 hours from work). It takes me 1 hour, door to door (including the train) to get to and from work. It's another 20-30 minutes to drive to the clinic.

During the u/s with Dr. W, it was clear that there was no sac, no baby in the uterus. Nothing was visible around the ovaries, a good sign that the tubes hadn't ruptured and there was no bleeding.

Conclusion: ectopic pregnancy.

The nurse administered Metho.trexate with two intramuscular injections. Here's what Web.MD has to say about the drug. Dr. W explained that they have been treating tubal pregnancies with this low, low dose of chemotherapy for about 20 years. Beats having a rupture or having to have surgery. My hCG will continue to be monitored - Sunday and again next Wednesday.

The bad thing: Can't even drown my sorrow in alcohol, as alcohol, vitamins, aspirin and other pain killers can all create Metho.trexate toxicity. I jokingly asked if I could take Vicadin, and the nurse didn't say no. She did say to call the clinic and/or the on-call doctor if I had abdominal pain, which is a pretty normal side-effect of the drug (or could mean that the tubes burst anyway).

The silver lining: We're trending in the right direction - 1st fresh IVF resulted in a chemical pregnancy and FET resulted in ectopic. Dr. W agreed when Mr. Jem asked Dr. W. if this meant we were more likely to have a viable, healthy pregnancy next time.

Actually, the real silver lining is having Mr. Jem by my side to make me laugh and to cheer me up.

Jem

Beta #4

hCG = 150. Have an appointment with Dr. W today at 3:00 for an u/s and the shot of doom. Okay, I'm being a bit dramatic, but you all understand.

Jem.

Beta #4 - no results yet...

Still don't know what's going on, but had blood drawn at the butt-crack of dawn, again at the lab, not the clinic. They did an HCG, plus Folic acid, and a CBC (complete blood count). Dr. Alternative said they want to make sure my liver function and other things are doing well before giving me the evil drug that will clear "everything" out.

IVF Nurse called me yesterday, but wasn't able to explain much, except implied that it's not a viable pregnancy and they want to make sure there isn't any more embryonic tissue left that could cause an infection.

I have been having weird symptoms that tell me I might have some sort of infection. I don't have a fever, but, I know this sounds weird, but my right earlobe, where my pierced earring hole is, is swollen and hurts. Plus, when they drew blood on Monday, three hours later I bled when then I took the cotton ball and wrap off. I haven't mentioned this to the doctor or the nurse.

Waiting for Dr. W (who will be back in the office) to call me today with a plan of action. I'll update you when I hear something.

I'm not particularly upset about this whole ordeal, just sorta puzzled. And a little relieved to understand why I was feeling so out of whack.

Jem

Beta #3

Last night I had my blood drawn, not at the clinic, but at the local lab. No problem, except my puncture wounds was still bleeding 3 hours later when I went to bed. Weird.

Now, if you are expecting me to say that my HCG was down to zero, especially after getting my period, well, you'd be wrong.

Dr. Alternative called me this morning. "Uh, well, as you know, you had low numbers: first HCG was 19, then it went down to 17 two days later. Well, a week later your HCG is 109."

WTF?!!!!!!!!!

"As you have been bleeding, I'm worried it's a possible ectopic pregnancy. We'll need you to test again tomorrow and then we'll give you a shot of Metho-trop-something to clear out the (some technical term for anything left of my baby)."

I was stunned and just said, "Uh-huh" and then hung up.

Wait! How could I have an embryo in my fallopian tubes? Mr. Jem and I did not have marital relations this month. We had three embryos transferred into my uterus. If I've been bleeding for three days, how? What? And Where? is this happening?

WTF!!!!!!!???!

I'm waiting for my IVF nurse coordinator to call me back so I can ask more questions. The only thing I feel better about is understanding why I've been such an emotional mess - it wasn't just the loss, the period or the cold. I've been having pregnancy hormones rushing around my poor body. Why couldn't I have gotten 109 for the first beta?!

Again, WTF!! Anyone have any clue as to what's going on? Please, I need your collective wisdom. I don't want to ask Dr. Google.

Jem

How do you mourn your loss?

Friday was crap, more crap with a little whipped cream and cherry on top.

The crap: I got my period.

More crap: I got a cold.

Whipped cream and cherry on top: I had a wonderful session with my therapist, Rose. Caught her up on our IF saga. Used up half a box of tissues telling her of my two IVF transfers, one fresh, on frozen. Of my two chemical pregnancies. Of my wallowing in self-pity, my self-blame (where she didn't want me to go. At all). Of my deep sorrow.

She then said, "Jem, you were pregnancy. Your body was pregnant. It registered this pregnancy in your body. You lost two babies. You are morning these losses. What have you and Mr. Jem done as a ritual to say goodbye to these babies?"

My answer: "We haven't done anything."

Tears just flowed down my face, as they do right now as I type these words.

I brought it up with Mr. Jem. We want to have some sort of ceremony, light candles, say prayers, something to honor these little souls that were not brought into our lives. We want to show how we lived them, how we miss them. We want to recognize how they would have been welcome here, but it was not there time.

What have you done to mourn your loss(es)? What rituals have you done? Do you have remembrance charms for a necklace? Please share your stories and/or ideas.

January IComLeavWe

Welcome ICLW'ers!

I'm Jem. Supposedly Male Factor, but given our IVF with ICSI - 2 great embies transferred fresh and 3 transferred later after being frozen - that resulted in two chemical pregnancies, I can't point my finger at Mr. Jem as the only one with reproductive trouble. It definitely takes two to tango, plus a whole team of medical specialist, apparently!

The FET chemical pregnancy is still very recent (see Monday's post) and I'm still very raw about this, disillusioned with the whole process. Still working through the pain. That's what this blogging thing is all about. Having a safe place to share IF joys and pains with those who understand.

Very glad you stopped by!

***

Working from home today. Having lower GI issues. Yuck.

To add insult to injury, I'm staring at a line of medical bills, mostly for Mr. Jem's testicular biopsy. Double yuck. Talk about "Kick you when you are down!"

My brain and heart are still a bit numb. My IVF nurse called today to see how I was doing and to schedule a third beta for next Monday to make sure I'm back down to zero. Gee thanks!

Still waiting to bleed.

Jem

Doing better...

...until I received an email from the Alumnae magazine from my prestigious, East Coast, liberal arts college asking alumnae news:

"Your classmates would love to hear about you, so please share your news. Photos are welcome too- just be sure to send a caption with everyone's name and class year (if applicable) listed."

Here you go, snooty college - here's my announcement:

"Jem and Mr. Jem have been unable to conceive a baby on their own and attempted IVF this quarter. She produced 26 eggs, and 5 excellent embryos (see picture above). Unfortunately, even though 2 implanted, neither were viable, leaving her and Mr. Jem completely crushed. She's been in contact with dear friends X, Y, and Z, who are all able to conceive (two with some extra medical help). She'd love to hear from other classmates whose hearts have been ripped out by infertility."

Fuck you, college!

***

On a happier note, I did make an appointment with my therapist, Rose, for Friday. It has helped to be able to vent here in this blog, but this woman has known me since Oct 1999. Rose has been there for me through a job lay-off, cancer (melanoma on my right shoulder), my marriage to Mr. Jem and all the doubts I had about that, Mr. Jem's job lay-offs, me supporting Mr. Jem through school, Mr. Jem's avoidance of TTC, my fears about being a good, deserving mother (see previous post), our TTC naturally, the stark reality of IF. The last time I saw her was right before embarking on TTC with ART.

I love Rose. She's absolutely wonderful. I had a fantasy that the next time I went to see her would be to talk about coping with PG. Yet another fantasy crushed by IF.

Fuck you, IF!

Jem

Poisonous thoughts (updated)

Thank you all for the outpouring of love and support. Each and every one of your messages made me cry. I know you've all been there, or if you haven't yet, being in IF-land, the chances are very high. When this process started I naively thought, "This will work for us. No problem." Two deceptions later, I don't feel the same way.

Right now I feel like the whole thing is worthless and I won't ever be a mom. Waaaa, poor me. IF has made me such a navel-gazer that I've neglected my job, my family, my weight, my mental health.

There's part of me that is yelling, "Jem, snap out of it." and another going, "Don't bother, it's not worth it. You're crap, you have a crap uterus, you're a wimp and failure. You're fooling yourself about this whole parenthood thing. If Mr. Jem was so great, why can't he hold down a job or figure out 'what he wants to do' whatever that means. He can't support you. You've been supporting him all these years. Losers. Both of you. There's a reason you can't reproduce, it's called Darwinism, selection of the fittest. Face it, you're not the fittest. You're just selfish. You want to pass on your DNA? Ha! His family is a bunch of short depressives and not that great looking. You? Your father's an alcoholic. Great legacy to pass on. Brilliant! As if some baby deserves that. No matter how many years of therapy you went through, you'll be a crap mom, neglectful like your own mom. You'll mess it up somehow. That's the nature of things. You just want a plaything. Your life is boring so you want something to focus on, so your boring-ness won't be as evident. You're no better than those teenage girls in the East Coast who all made a pregnancy pact so someone would 'LOVE THEM". Puleeeze! You can't afford a baby in the SF Bay Area. You know it's best if the mom stays home with the child, but you'd end up pawning your child off to child care. Why bother? Why go through all this heart-ache?

This is the poison going through my brain. Instead of working, instead of taking care of myself. See, I am a loser! Told you so!

Fuck. I'm a mess. Sorry to burden you all with this. Just waiting for the literal bleeding to start. The emotional one has already begun.

Update: I've left a message with my therapist to go see her. Clearly I have some feelings to sort out.

Beta #2

Dr. W called while I was at Whole Paycheck. Not good news, to quote him. My HCG went down to 17. I'm to stop all meds.

I'm sure I could have been pulled over during my drive home for driving under the influence of tears. Not a pretty sight.

Fuck. Game over, again.

Can't even think about next steps right now, just want to curl in a ball and cry.

Jem

PUPO (updated)

After an hour of crying and gnashing my teeth ...

"What's wrong with me? I'm a failure!" And Mr. Jem holding me saying, "No, it's not the end. You are pregnant! We need to wait until Monday."

...I came to my senses...

I AM PREGNANT!

Holy shit!

My beta was 19 (not 18 as I stated yesterday). Dr. W didn't tell me to stop my meds. He told me the opposite. This is a pregnancy.

I did have some cramping last night, so I cancelled my plans for a longish road trip, a family visit today. Gonna take it easy, watch movies.

PUPO, man, PUPO!!

Jem

Update: You are right - not, PUPO, but PG - Pregnant. Period. IF has messed with my head so much that I'm just waiting for the other shoe (or beta) to drop. I know I'm not alone out there.

FET Beta #1

Dr. W just called with beta test results: HCG = 18.

So I'm pregnant, but we're not sure the one embryo that implanted is going to hang in there. Dr. W said that frozen embryos give out lower HCG at this point.

I test again Monday morning. Beta #2 has to be 35 or better.

Disappointed my number is so low. It's hard to hang on to hope.

More waiting. Good g-d. When will this roller coaster end?

Jem

My last nerve

Despite the title of this post, things are looking up in the Jem household. Yesterday my IVF nurse re-drew my circles for my PIO IM injections. Our clinic is very "in the box" and was not willing to give me other options, so I'll continue doing the shots for as long as possible AND I'm going to like it, dammit! When I described my back-side pain problem to my acupuncturist, she said, "It sounds like the injections were too close to your sciatic nerve. That's why it was so painful!"

That makes perfect sense. Now that the circles are closer to the side of my body, rather than closer to my spine, things are going much better. Injection last night didn't hurt a bit. Maybe this is just because it's going into new real estate. Who cares. It didn't hurt. I also iced less (only 5 minutes) and then followed the injection with 15 min with the heating pad. No, Poppet, hot baths are verboten for us PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) or PG (pregnant) gals.

Acupuncture was blissful last night. It felt like I was floating. Again, she said I had a good strong pulse, right on target for being PG, but not strong enough for triplets (whew!). As we transferred three embies, I did have some anxiety about this. The first couple of days after transfer I was convinced I was having multiples, given all the twitching and stretching was going on in my nether regions at that time.

I woke up this morning and did a body scan relaxation exercise and feel terrific today. Only symptoms: occasional warm pressure down there close to where my legs meet my torso, sore boobies (only with direct pressure, like if my 20 lb cat Fluffy jumps on me when I'm on the couch!). I still have some sciatic pain on the left cheek and tenderness if I palpate the old injection site, but it's much less than a couple of days ago. No more crying.

Thanks to all of you who wrote with support and ideas. I'm doing much, much better today physically and mentally. I'm in this zen space. I'm fine with the wait until tomorrow's beta. It just means that the little one(s) growing in side me will be that much more ready. Like I wrote in response to Kate's post about battling urgency, instead of "hurry up and wait" my new motto is, "No hurry, No wait." I choose to be in the moment and just let what happens tomorrow happen.

I cried... (updated)

I cried last night after my injection. My derriere is so sensitive that even after being iced, Mr. Jem's sleeve against my bare bottom hurt, not to mention the actual shot and removal of said needle, which seems to hurt as much as the entrance.

BTW, we've discovered that it IS possible to ice for too long. Tuesday night was such one night. The oil didn't want to go into my body and there was a jet of blood after Mr. Jem removed the needle and before he could get the gauze pad from the table next to us (he now keeps the gauze closer AND we don't ice for as long).

Okay, I'm a pretty tough broad, but this is ridiculous. I feel like such a wimp. I should be able to take this. Actually, I can take this, pain and all. Because it's all about the end result. It doesn't hurt if I don't move. Walking sends shoots of pain down my ass, like there's a huge needle still in there.

Going in today at 5:00 p.m. (Pacific) to have Nurse IVF re-draw circles for my injection points. She wasn't the one to do it initially. Instead it was a novice nurse who kept prodding me and drawing and re-drawing the sites.

More acupuncture tonight. Hopefully it will help relax me.

My certitude of a positive result is slowly being eroded. I keep taking deep breaths and sending positive thoughts down there and throughout my body.

Saturday, damn you, where are you??!!

Jem

Update: In addition to the nightly PIO shots, I am doing Pro.metrium (spelling?) suppositories twice a day. Plus estrogen orally three times a day and once vaginally at night. We have ALL the bases covered!

More symptoms

My back is killing me! I think it's a combination of PIO shots (needle spot AND area below hurt - I think the progesterone is building up), plus cramps of some sort (searing hot pain on either side of my lower abdomen. Fun!). When I'm PMSing I regularly get lower back pain.

Had to take acetaminophen last night so I could be halfway comfortable. I was not a happy camper.

Oh, and the b00bies are tender.

All in all, yesterday was not a fun day, physically. I was dead tired from a full day at work, plus I'm taking a voice over class Tuesday evenings, so from 6:30 - 10:00 I had to be "on." The class was super fun and I love it, so that helped. Why a VO class? I do it for work (I create training) and would love to have a business of my own when the babies come.

I don't want to bitch about my symptoms (which are much better in the morning), because they are much stronger than the fresh cycle (from what I can remember - I was soooooooo overstimulated then), and I'm doing everything possible to keep optimistic about this cycle.

Jem

New symptoms

Lower tummy fine most of the day, but a little crampy at the end of the day, especially after acupuncture last night. BTW, acupuncturist said my pulses were right on track for a positive, whatever that means. I'll take it!

Yesterday and today's main symptom: pain in the rear. I believe my @ss is finally protesting from being iced down and having nasty needs sticking in it each night as progesterone is forced into it. It's my derriere's way of saying, "Enough!" Can't rightly blame it. Had to have a little talk to it, "Please cooperate! Hang in there. It's for a good cause! It will be worth it, I promise!"

***

My optimism for this cycle continues. Each time my brain strays near the brink of that chasm of doom that is the possibility of a BFN, a part of me yanks it back with a solid, "It's working this time."

I just hope we don't have a "I told you so!" moment with that negative side of my brain. Even entertaining that idea freaks me out and I jolt back to happy feelings.

And calm.

***

Saturday's beta can't come soon enough. Loved Tracey's comment yesterday about her mom's wishes: "She said she wished they could induce a coma on her so that she could just be woken up after the results were in!"

Amen, sistah!

Pop_Rocks gone

Monday morning: symptoms have died down to almost zero. Yes, on Friday it felt like I had Pop_Rocks (yes, I'm a child of the 70s!) going crazy underneath my lower abs! Now, almost nothing - the occasional twinge on the right side.

I'm back to work, after almost three weeks off. I'm actually happy to be back in the office, back to my routine. I woke early this morning before my alarm clock, spent 20 minutes doing meditation/relaxation. What a great way to start the day!

Saturday's beta seems like ages from now. As much as I want to know what's really going on, there's NO WAY I will be POAS! I don't want to relive last month's fiasco.

Jem

3dp6dt (FET) - Implantation?

I feel fantastic. I have been resting, with Mr. Jem taking care of everything. I feel like a princess!

Dr. W said that implantation should happen the first 24 hours. I have been feeling twinges in my abdomen, down there where things should be happening. And the area feels warm.

Are these implantation symptoms?

What were your clues that implantation was happening?

Jem

P.S. Thanks for posting news of my FET on LFCA! How sweet!

Earthquake!

Night and day difference between the fresh cycle transfer and the frozen:

Fresh transfer (Nov): me alone (Mr. Jem had a class he couln't miss and he felt totally guilty about not being there), Dr. Alternative (not my normal doctor) doing the transfer. I'm totally overstimulated, feel like I have a little of puppies in my belly. Difficult transfer (like a very painful pap smear). Two embies transfered. BFN.

Today's FET: me, with Mr. Jem by my side holding my hand (and huge smile on his face), Dr. W was there. Oh, and the transfer was much, much easier. Overall was such a moving experience. I had tears in my eyes as the little flash of light on the screen as three little guys/gals were inserted in their new cozy home.

Dr. W said my lining looked great and gushed over the quality of the embryos. "The three embryos thawed perfectly. They look like fresh cycle embryos." He expects that they'll implant today.

When we froze them he said we had two "excellent" and one "good" quality embies. Based on that, we decided to transfer all three, as he said the probability of 50-55% of success. Today when he showed us this picture, he said they looked great and couldn't even tell which of the embies was the "good" one and which ones were "excellent."

Judge for yourself!


I had acupuncture before and after the transfer, which really helped my stress level. As I was on the table with the needles in me there was a 4.1 magnitude earthquake! I guess that's what to expect living in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Back at home, I've been resting on the couch, kitties tag-teaming cuddling with me. Hourse reading a Sookie_Stackhouse novel (the latest?), _From_Dead_To_Worst.

And napping.

Heaven.

FET-eve

I am so excited about tomorrow's FET.

I've been sleeping in and getting exercise. I especially like this DVD: Yoga Practices for Fertility. It makes me feel powerful, strong and healthy.

Today Mr. Jem and I drove into San Francisco to meet family and visiting friends at Golden Gate Park and went to the De Young museum. My aunt wanted to see an exhibit of Amish quilts. Most were from the 1930s, swirls of vibrant colors, abstract designs crafted so carefully, with so much attention and love. As I walked through the exhibit, winding my way through the maze of quilts, I tried to imagine what life was like for these anonymous women, wearing drab clothes, no electricity, creating such beautiful works of art. I can imagine their daughters learning to quilt.

Oh, how I yearn to teach my own daughter to knit, to cook. I want to watch her explore the world and become her own person. If future baby ends up being a boy, I want to teach HIM to knit, to cook, to explore the world and become HIS own person.

Like I said, I'm SO ready for this FET, for this process (it IS a process) to work.

I want a baby, dammit! I couldn't be more ready.

Extended time off

While everyone else is heading back to work, I've decided to extend my holiday time in preparation for Thursday's FET. Today I had acupuncture and massage. It was so wonderful and relaxing. So relaxing that my eyes were all blurry for a couple of hours afterwards. Wow.

Had a wonderful workout listening to the Glee album. Wow, what a great workout soundtrack! Made me smile the whole time. Had to skip over a couple of the slower tunes. Does that officially make me a Gleek?

8 mm?

Yesterday we had my ute scan to see if I made the 8 mm lining check. The sonographer measured and measured and we made it!

FET scheduled for Thursday, Jan 7! With Dr. W. I start 6 days of progesterone on the 2nd. Got my circles drawn in and everything.

I feel really ready this time. I feel good physically and mentally. After having had a bit too much of my parents, they left for the afternoon, which gave me and Mr. Jem some breathing room.

The next day the helped us with a landscaping project (weed barrier and chips put down on a 1,200 square foot area). The following day they bought us a set of shelves for our garage and helped us totally clean out the garage. We have boxes to sort through and put the stuff we want to keep in bins, but we can actually see the cement floor of the garage. It's a miracle!

I am very very grateful for their help, their support, their love.

My parents flew off this morning for a month in Oaxaca, Mexico. They are so active and lead such full lives.

After a day of total relaxation today to catch up on sleep and R&R, Mr. Jem and I are planning some fun activities.

Question for all y'all: Is it okay for me to go into hot tubs? I know it isn't AFTER transfer, but is okay before?

Jem