Friday, March 30, 2012

Last day of work

Just popping by to tell you it's my last day of work before maternity leave starts. 

Here's the very cute hand-made cake served yesterday for me (and Mr. Jem who came for the party) AND the other new dad in our group, who just had a baby boy.


Sunday, March 25, 2012

New Form of torture

Sorry for the lack of posts. I have one more week of work, and I promise to write more. 

I do want to update you on our all-day intensive childbirth class yesterday. Yes, this was the new form of torture I was referring to. 

There were 18 couples in the class, run by the local hospital where we'll be delivering our baby (!). There were two women running the course, one was a nurse/midwife/doula, who I'll call DD (for Dour Doula) covered the  "coping" with pain part (in the morning) and the other a labor/delivery nurse, Candy, who covered when to go to the hospital, what to bring, what to expect, interventions.

DD had each couple introduce ourselves, have the moms say something about our pregnancy, and have the partners say something they fear or want addressed. Of the 18 couples, we were clearly the oldest, and the only Infertiles. I was very proud of Mr. Jem because he spoke first and told the whole room how excited he was because of all the fertility treatments we've been through and how hard we have worked to get here.

The torture? The class was torture in that Mr. Jem was tired and nearly fell asleep at multiple times (which pissed me off). It was difficult at an emotional level for me. I cried at least 4 times during the day. 

Once during my introduction (pitiful, as I'm a trainer and regularly speak in front of groups), another time watching the video that showed childbirth, another time during the "coping" section, with Mr. Jem and I doing the breathing exercises. Another time when DD kept saying, "your bodies were made for this" (yeah, right, bitch! Tell that to all the IFers out there!!!) and "you can endure anything for 60 seconds (the length of a contraction). Doesn't she realize that childbirth isn't just the culmination of 40 weeks of gestation? For some of us, it's WAAAAY more that that. It's years of heartbreak, injections, hope, dashed hope, hyperstimulated ovaries and emotions. It's tears, violent thoughts, lack of empathy, lost work, lost illusions. It's almost losing your marriage, your sanity, your sense of self. And you expect me to "just breath through the pain?" Are you fucking kidding me?

The conclusion. I think I really need a doula to help out with childbirth. I don't care if it will cost over $1,200. I need the emotional support. I need someone else to be telling Mr. Jem what to do, someone else to advocate for me. I'm open to having an epidural.

So, I have one more week of work, and then I plan on catching up on my sleep and exercise (walking and yoga). I will find a doula, start researching childcare in earnest. And I'll put my poor, swollen, aching feet up. Dammit.

I hope you all have a great week. I'll write more when this week is over.


Friday, March 16, 2012

Week 33 Update

Pregnancy update... feel free to skip.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Happy Pi Day!

In honor of Pi Day, here's a treat for you.

Enjoy your Pi!


Sunday, March 11, 2012


The whole PAIL debate has really struck a chord with me, specifically the current climate of "I don't want to offend anyone by this post... (fill in the blank on the topic)" that Mel commented on recently and that seems to have kept friends I read regularly from posting freely about a topic that is front of mind (pregnancy fears, aches and pains, circumcision decisions,  baby sleep troubles).

We in IF-land have been through so much. Self-editing can come from a fear of hurting others with our words. What I fear is that it comes from a place of self-loathing, where we don't believe our point of view, what we are going through is important, or valid, or some such. I personally did so much self-editing while going through treatments - not telling anyone at work about it, not tell the majority of my friends. While I did this out of self-preservation, there was some shame. We can't get pregnant on our own.

So, sing your point of view, IFers! Be free!


Thursday, March 8, 2012

Over-sensitive IFers

Nope, I'm not commenting on the current PAIL drama, instead about myself.

So, what happened? During today's OB appointment, I was taken into the examination room by the nurse/medical assistant. My doc has a big screen with educational videos. The girl proceeds to start a video on contraception post-delivery - my instant reaction? I was pissed! Didn't she read my file? Doesn't she know it took us over two years to conceive, and couldn't do so without medical intervention?

Once I calmed down, I was fine. Baby is fine, growing nicely. Good strong heartbeat, lots of movement, belly measuring right on track.

Question: how many of you feel extra sensitive?


Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Job situation update


Just went to talk to the VP about next steps. He verbally offered me the position. He still needs to follow up with HR about what paperwork needs to be completed. Said the changes won't go into affect until I get back from maternity leave.

HUGE sigh of relief. The knot in the pit of my stomach just unclenched.

Thanks for the support.


Monday, March 5, 2012

Why the radio silence

Sorry for the silence. I've had quite a week, filled with work-related drama. 

Two Thursdays ago I was called into my VP's office, along with my colleague (a peer) and we were told our department was being re-organized. Both our jobs were going away, being reclassified and we'd have to reapply for the jobs. My colleague (a man) would be getting a raise and a higher job title while my job's scope would be getting smaller, with a lesser title. The closest VP came to reassuring us about our jobs was by saying that he hoped to fill the positions with people in the larger department he manages and said he wasn't opening the job to external candidates.

I sat there dumb-founded. Holy Sh*t. Here I was 6 weeks from going on maternity leave being told my job was going away and that I'd have to re-apply for a job at a lower title and with less responsibilities. 

Is that even legal?!!!???!!

Needless to say, I've taken action. Yes, I've applied for the job and am waiting to hear. But I've also reached out to an attorney.

Oh, and last week I was completely swamped delivering training (which I'll no longer be doing should I get the "new" job), to stunning reviews (of course).

So, now at 32 weeks, I'm 4 weeks from going on maternity leave and I don't know if I have a job. How fracking unfair is this? I'm so stressed by this whole thing and could use some encouraging and supportive words from cyberspace.