Sorry for the lack of posts. I have one more week of work, and I promise to write more.
I do want to update you on our all-day intensive childbirth class yesterday. Yes, this was the new form of torture I was referring to.
There were 18 couples in the class, run by the local hospital where we'll be delivering our baby (!). There were two women running the course, one was a nurse/midwife/doula, who I'll call DD (for Dour Doula) covered the "coping" with pain part (in the morning) and the other a labor/delivery nurse, Candy, who covered when to go to the hospital, what to bring, what to expect, interventions.
DD had each couple introduce ourselves, have the moms say something about our pregnancy, and have the partners say something they fear or want addressed. Of the 18 couples, we were clearly the oldest, and the only Infertiles. I was very proud of Mr. Jem because he spoke first and told the whole room how excited he was because of all the fertility treatments we've been through and how hard we have worked to get here.
The torture? The class was torture in that Mr. Jem was tired and nearly fell asleep at multiple times (which pissed me off). It was difficult at an emotional level for me. I cried at least 4 times during the day.
Once during my introduction (pitiful, as I'm a trainer and regularly speak in front of groups), another time watching the video that showed childbirth, another time during the "coping" section, with Mr. Jem and I doing the breathing exercises. Another time when DD kept saying, "your bodies were made for this" (yeah, right, bitch! Tell that to all the IFers out there!!!) and "you can endure anything for 60 seconds (the length of a contraction). Doesn't she realize that childbirth isn't just the culmination of 40 weeks of gestation? For some of us, it's WAAAAY more that that. It's years of heartbreak, injections, hope, dashed hope, hyperstimulated ovaries and emotions. It's tears, violent thoughts, lack of empathy, lost work, lost illusions. It's almost losing your marriage, your sanity, your sense of self. And you expect me to "just breath through the pain?" Are you fucking kidding me?
The conclusion. I think I really need a doula to help out with childbirth. I don't care if it will cost over $1,200. I need the emotional support. I need someone else to be telling Mr. Jem what to do, someone else to advocate for me. I'm open to having an epidural.
So, I have one more week of work, and then I plan on catching up on my sleep and exercise (walking and yoga). I will find a doula, start researching childcare in earnest. And I'll put my poor, swollen, aching feet up. Dammit.
I hope you all have a great week. I'll write more when this week is over.