Thank you all for the outpouring of love and support. Each and every one of your messages made me cry. I know you've all been there, or if you haven't yet, being in IF-land, the chances are very high. When this process started I naively thought, "This will work for us. No problem." Two deceptions later, I don't feel the same way.
Right now I feel like the whole thing is worthless and I won't ever be a mom. Waaaa, poor me. IF has made me such a navel-gazer that I've neglected my job, my family, my weight, my mental health.
There's part of me that is yelling, "Jem, snap out of it." and another going, "Don't bother, it's not worth it. You're crap, you have a crap uterus, you're a wimp and failure. You're fooling yourself about this whole parenthood thing. If Mr. Jem was so great, why can't he hold down a job or figure out 'what he wants to do' whatever that means. He can't support you. You've been supporting him all these years. Losers. Both of you. There's a reason you can't reproduce, it's called Darwinism, selection of the fittest. Face it, you're not the fittest. You're just selfish. You want to pass on your DNA? Ha! His family is a bunch of short depressives and not that great looking. You? Your father's an alcoholic. Great legacy to pass on. Brilliant! As if some baby deserves that. No matter how many years of therapy you went through, you'll be a crap mom, neglectful like your own mom. You'll mess it up somehow. That's the nature of things. You just want a plaything. Your life is boring so you want something to focus on, so your boring-ness won't be as evident. You're no better than those teenage girls in the East Coast who all made a pregnancy pact so someone would 'LOVE THEM". Puleeeze! You can't afford a baby in the SF Bay Area. You know it's best if the mom stays home with the child, but you'd end up pawning your child off to child care. Why bother? Why go through all this heart-ache?
This is the poison going through my brain. Instead of working, instead of taking care of myself. See, I am a loser! Told you so!
Fuck. I'm a mess. Sorry to burden you all with this. Just waiting for the literal bleeding to start. The emotional one has already begun.
Update: I've left a message with my therapist to go see her. Clearly I have some feelings to sort out.