Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Poisonous thoughts (updated)

Thank you all for the outpouring of love and support. Each and every one of your messages made me cry. I know you've all been there, or if you haven't yet, being in IF-land, the chances are very high. When this process started I naively thought, "This will work for us. No problem." Two deceptions later, I don't feel the same way.

Right now I feel like the whole thing is worthless and I won't ever be a mom. Waaaa, poor me. IF has made me such a navel-gazer that I've neglected my job, my family, my weight, my mental health.

There's part of me that is yelling, "Jem, snap out of it." and another going, "Don't bother, it's not worth it. You're crap, you have a crap uterus, you're a wimp and failure. You're fooling yourself about this whole parenthood thing. If Mr. Jem was so great, why can't he hold down a job or figure out 'what he wants to do' whatever that means. He can't support you. You've been supporting him all these years. Losers. Both of you. There's a reason you can't reproduce, it's called Darwinism, selection of the fittest. Face it, you're not the fittest. You're just selfish. You want to pass on your DNA? Ha! His family is a bunch of short depressives and not that great looking. You? Your father's an alcoholic. Great legacy to pass on. Brilliant! As if some baby deserves that. No matter how many years of therapy you went through, you'll be a crap mom, neglectful like your own mom. You'll mess it up somehow. That's the nature of things. You just want a plaything. Your life is boring so you want something to focus on, so your boring-ness won't be as evident. You're no better than those teenage girls in the East Coast who all made a pregnancy pact so someone would 'LOVE THEM". Puleeeze! You can't afford a baby in the SF Bay Area. You know it's best if the mom stays home with the child, but you'd end up pawning your child off to child care. Why bother? Why go through all this heart-ache?

This is the poison going through my brain. Instead of working, instead of taking care of myself. See, I am a loser! Told you so!

Fuck. I'm a mess. Sorry to burden you all with this. Just waiting for the literal bleeding to start. The emotional one has already begun.

Update: I've left a message with my therapist to go see her. Clearly I have some feelings to sort out.

30 comments:

Pie said...

Oh, sweetie. Don't forget, you've shown me many times how supportive and caring and funny you are. Key qualities, I think.

I know it is hard now, the depression creeps in, the negativity, I know, I've been there too. I wish I could jump out of the screen and hug you in person. ((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Jules a.k.a. Julie said...

Sending big hugs.... IF bites and it changes us all in both positive and negative ways. I'm sorry you are experiencing this, including the negative emotions. Try not to beat yourself up over something you have no control over and if everyone had to pass some sort of fitness/suitability test to become parents, the world would be hard less populated. Try to be kind to you...

Tracey said...

THAT is what this blog is for - to vent and get it all out. Releasing the poison and being able to find some peace in there there someplace. Of course you feel this way right now! With the devastating news and hormone plunge? I wish I could tell you it'll get better, but it might get a little a worse (bleeding) and then it'll start easing up a little bit. Hang in there!!!

PCOStory said...

Oh Jem... We were so sorry to hear about your beta, and we are sending you big huge hugs, thoughts, and prayers. Your "hurry up and wait" blog inspired both my husband and I. You will be a good mom. This journey sucks, but you are not alone on it. You're in our thoughts. Keep your chin up.

sprogblogger said...

Please try to be gentle with yourself. And please remember that as horrible as you're feeling - as horrible as you deserve to feel - those feelings are being amplified by the shit hormones your body is dumping right now. Please, just try to endure this and be kind to yourself while you're dealing with this loss. Thinking of you all night last night, and wishing I could say something to make your poisonous thoughts sting a little less.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Oh sweetie Jem. I am so deeply sorry that you have to go through any of this emotional shit. I completely understand the need to rage and hate and cry and mourn. As others have said, this is why some of us need to write blogs, get out vitriol out of our hearts and into binary digits. Remember, we are NOT our parents. Go to your therapist, let it all out. Find out what the RE docs think at your WTF appointment. Mend your heart, clear you mind and then I hope you reach the decision for the next part of your journey. Wishing you all the best and a great big hug.

Melissa G said...

Damn it I hate that IF breaks our spirits like this. You shouldn't ever have to deal with that kind of poison. I'm so sorry.

I think it's great that you are going to see your counselor. I saw mine last night, and she has been a HUGE help.

Hugs.

Mad Hatter said...

Been thinking of you so much since yesterday. I so wish I could take away the heartache you're feeling right now. I completely understand the process of beating yourself up and wondering what you've done to deserve this. All I have to offer are hugs and prayers and the reminder that you are not alone.
Love,
Maddy

Noelle said...

I am sorry that this shit is happening to you. As I read this post, I could totally see myself in you. Supporting my husband...my crap uterus...not wanting to pass on these horrible genes...having to work and pawning your child off...I could have written those things.

But because you are writing them, I have the ability to look at it from the perspective of an outsider. Although some of these things are true...it in no way means that you shouldn't be a mother or that this isn't going to work out. Sure, it seems like some of us walk around with a black cloud over our heads, but I think that that makes us stronger in the end. You deserve to be a mom, and you are going to be a mom, because you have this desperate longing to be one. You are going to love this child more than anything. You have so much to offer this child. I also believe that because of these things and because of the hard things you have had in your life, you will make a stronger mom. You will teach your child character and strength.

Sprogblogger had reminded me about the falling hormones thing on my blog, and I was so glad she had mentioned that. I remember with my first miscarriage, my beta had only gotten to 100, and then two days later, it was 50. Those dropping hormones caused all hell to break lose. I thought I as going to die. The depression lasted for a long time (is still going on) but in the week following that hormone drop, it was horrendous. So I think that is compounding your grief even more. Please remember that. Just keep telling yourself that a large part of this is due to a physical aspect that you can't control.

I am so sorry.

Tiffany said...

Jem,
I teared up yesterday as I wrote my comment to you. Then a little later I actually broke down and cried. We did our first IVF in December and it failed, so I cried for you and me and for everyone else out there dealing with this. I've had similar thoughts about nature sorting us out of the gene pool. It's such a miserable thought. It really hurts. Hugs and tears.

thewombchronicles said...

I'm so very sorry you are going through this. My thoughts are with you and Mr. Jem.

Lisa

LFCA

TeeJay said...

Oh sweetie...you really are being hard on yourself. But that is what we do, we always look to put the blame somewhere and it's easiest to just blame ourselve. And we come up with anything and everything that we could have ever done wrong to cause our situation. It's part of the process, but don't lose sight of the truly good person that you are. The other posts are correct that some of these emotions are amplified by your hormones right now. I think it's good that you are going to speak to your therapist. It's good to get these things out. Later, you will read this entry and will be amazed at how you have bounced back. You are strong and you will get through this. It's ok to hurt and it's ok to vent and it's definitely ok to cry. I'm so sorry you are feeling these things and I so hope that you can find your way back sooner rather than later. I'm sending you some (((hugs))) and healing thoughts.

babyattheend said...

Hugs, Jem. You aren't crap, and, no matter what, you don't deserve to be going through this. Sending you lots of warmth...

Jill said...

I am so sorry for you and DH that this cycle did not work out. I think all of the things going through your head are natural reactions to what you are going through and not everyone would be as brave to put them down here. I think it is probably therapeutic to write it down rather than keep it in, even if it doesn't seem to help. Sending you healing thoughts...

Poppet said...

Ladies - here is a little perspective:

I know Jem in real (non-cyberspace) life.

Jem is:
REALLY BEAUTIFUL Beautiful features, lovely face, gorgeous bod and warm and witty personality. When I met her in college, I thought to myself if I were ever gay (and I think I would have figured that out in college if I were), I would have fallen madly in love with her! So when she's complaining about genetics... something went absolutely RIGHT!

Jem's family: Not perfect, but who has a perfect family? Who doesn't have neglect and alcoholism in their immediate and/or extended families? Not to mention all the other -isms?! Let's face it: if people were choosing to pro-create based on parents and in-laws, the human race would die out.

Jem's husband: Warm and loving, intelligent and funny. He LOOOOVES her! So he doesn't have a traditional job. He is doing what I do full time: taking care of his family. For the time being, that's JEM! When baby comes, he'll already be ready to do whatever needs to be done to take care of someone else, unlike most workaholic men who only think of themselves (maybe you've met some?).

Jem's priorities: She will be perfectly able to balance work and motherhood. Not that any one of the readers here had a single doubt.

Jem's IF: It is awful, but not her fault. We'll all support her as she supports others.

Jem's prospects as a Mom - still very good despite these setbacks.

We're all rooting for you, Mr & Mrs Jem.

Illanare said...

Oh my dear, of course you aren't crap. You are a wonderful, strong woman who will make a loving and beloved mummy.

And don't apologise for anything you say on your blog, this is your place to say it and we are all here to listen.

Take care of you.

jenicini said...

{hugs}.

Heather said...

Oh Jem, my heart just aches for you. I KNOW how hard this is. I've had many of the same thoughts as you are having. And I've spent many an hour trying to figure out why all of this is so fucking unfair.

I know you are feeling really raw right now, but you WILL be a great mom. You DO deserve to be a mom. You WILL make it out of this. Vent away all you need to, that's what we are here for.

Take care and know that I've been thinking of you.

thegalwho said...

I'm so very sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you can push through the pain and heartache and come out the other side - which you will, it will just take time.

xxx

Sky said...

I am so completely sorry for your loss. I've had a couple so I definitely feel your pain. Hang in there - it's such awful, painful, crap news! It WILL get better but right now - Ugh!

Thanks for stopping by with the supportive comment on my lining. Made me pop over here and then I saw that you have a cat named Sharky - like me. Aren't they the best?!

Brandy said...

Shit. I wish I could say something to make it better. But I can't. We're all thinking of you!!

www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com

One Who Understands said...

Oh my darling Jem. Please do whatever it takes to get these evil, thoughts out of your head. Don't let the devil drag you down. You are a wonderful person and obviously VERY loved! Talk to your therapist. Get everything out there in the open. let it all out. We are all here for you.

hopingforababy said...

My heart breaks for you. I checked your blog today from work just to see the results were and my heart sank. Im dealing with my own crappy ivf results and it is absolutely horrible. Please know that you are a wonderful soul and deserve to have a baby more than anyone! You will be a mommy someday, and that little one will be so lucky to have you.
Hang in there. We're all here.

Ally said...

I am so, so sorry. I could be the one writing this post because I identify with it so very, very strongly. Please don't apologize for feeling how you feel and for expressing it-it gives comfort to those of us who are there and it helps you to work through the crazy circus of emotions.

I send you love and peace and many hugs.

Jessica said...

Came across your blog through LFCA...I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I just suffered a loss too (after IVF #2) and I know the pain you are going through. The thoughts that go through my head scare the crap out of me sometimes...I wonder if I will ever be the same. You don't have to apologize for how you are feeling. If you ever need someone to talk to, I am here for you!

Sending many hugs and prayers your way.

irrationalexuberance said...

You have every right to be angry, hurt, scared, and sad, but please please be kind to yourself. Because from where I sit, you are handling something that is so hard with incredible grace. I completely identify with what you have written, and understand how easy it is to let the water pull you in, but try hard to give yourself a break. We are all here for you.

WiseGuy said...

Two things here: Jem, I am so sorry that this FET ordeal has ended so bad.

And secondly, do do do visit your therapist. I am so sorry that you have to experience so much negativity and depression....hoping things will become better for you...

callmemama said...

I'm sorry I'm late reading this post, but I'd just like to say that these thoughts ARE poison. They are not the truth, in any way shape or form, although I know it must be difficult to tune them out.
Therapy is a great idea. It is completely understandable to have a lot of anger and sadness and frustration after what you've gone through - but be good to yourself! You didn't do anything to deserve this pain.

Thinking of you...

maxandzuzu said...

Just like the others have said before me, don't beat yourself up over this. You sound just like every one of us when we've received these results whether it's been a BFN or a BFP that ended. So much of it is the hormones. They truly make you crazy. The rest is just the pain that's been building up from previous ttc disappointments. I commend you on recognizing your need to see a therapist. They might not have all of the answers but they will definitely help you work through this.

This blog is also a therapeutic medium for venting. Don't feel bad about the things that you've said. That's why we're all here too. To learn and to support.

I too have been the "bread winner" for the past two years while my DH had gone back to school. And he'll be there for another 2+ years if we can afford it. It is an added stress during this emotional IF journey. But you'll get through it. Life is not fair and it does suck sometimes. We may never get all of the answers that we yearn for. But eventually the pain with subside and hopefully we will all find that elusive light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

T

C said...

You are NOT a loser. Many of us have been where you are and have had the exact same thoughts. I wish I could say something to take your pain away. It's such a deep, awful place to be. I'm glad you called your therapist.

Lots of hugs and prayers.