Don't worry...

...I'm doing okay. Big deadline at work today so I'm happy throwing myself into work so I don't have to think about my colossal fail.

Met with three members of my local Resolve group yesterday after work. Wow, was it nice to talk to people who REALLY get it. Mr. Jem and I have really isolated ourselves as we've not told people in our local circle of friends.Okay, I told one girl firend, but she didn't want to hear about it. I let it drop.

Okay, back to work! Time to get over-caffeinated!

~Jem

Operation BFN therapy - step 1

To add insult to injury, I was summoned to jury duty today. They kept me until 2 pm (fascinating process that I was happy to be a part of, but the timing was a bit sucky). I then washed my car (it was super sunny today in NorCal) and then had a mani/pedi. 

Bliss!

Only cloud was that the ladies kept asking their clients, "How many children do you have?" I sat there hoping quietly, "Oh, please don't ask me this. What am I supposed to say? 'I'm barren, I won't ever have kids!'" Luckily, they didn't ask. I buried my head behind the latest Cosm.o and prayed.

Now my toes are a beautiful deep cranberry color and my fingers, a cute pink. I look and feel good.

Step 2 of Operation BFN therapy involves a huge latte and a donut tomorrow morning (after my second "confirmation beta").

Step 3 will take place Saturday here, involving champagne mimosas. Bottomless champagne mimosas. Or manmosas. Or beermosas. Fun?

Good plan, no?

~Jem

Beta results

We got the call at the end of lunch.

"Bad news." 

HCG < 1. I can continue to the meds and test again Wed or stop meds and do a HPT just to confirm. But basically both options are just to confirm my BFN.

Fuck.

I'm teary, but numb. I don't want to do this anymore. My heart is breaking.

Oh, please don't say, "I'm sorry" if you comment - instead please share with me:

• One thing you are grateful for in your life and/or 
• One BFN indulgence I think should partake in (coffee/chocolate/whatever).

Thanks, Jem

I'm a mom...

Yes, folks, I'm a mom. They just haven't given me my baby yet! 

Small distinction, but one I came to at my therapist on Monday afternoon. Yes, I went back to see my therapist, who I have been seeing since 2000. I haven't seen her too often in the past year, just a couple of times when I need a "tune up" and to "recalibrate" my thinking. She has helped me tremendously over the years.

So, back to this earth-shattering conclusion. I realized I was more upset by my BFN than I had suspected earlier, mostly because of this fact that I feel like I AM a mom, dammit, and someone has stolen my baby from me. IF, specifically. 

I keep asking myself, "WHY!!!!" (sound familiar?) and my old, preconceived notions are no longer right. I used to think I didn't deserve to be a mother because I has so many issues with my own mom (abandonment, neglect, etc. at an early age). Wrong. I am not my mother and I would NEVER abandon my baby to run off to "find myself" (that's code for run off with another man), and I'd definitely never put him/her on a Grey.hound bus to see a divorced parent.

Then I realized my mental block about motherhood had to do with the fact that I thought bringing a baby into the world would mean the end of my marriage. "Babies break up marriages." was the thinking that I unburied from my subconscious. This was a myth I deeply believed because it was what I experienced as a kid. Again, NOT my current experience. My marriage with Mr. Jem is stronger than that. In fact, a baby would be a blessing and something we BOTH want very strongly. We both want to show this incredible world to a little person. We both have so much love and nurturing to give.

Most recently I uncovered the fact that in my head I felt "I don't have enough money and can't "afford" a baby." What? Where did that come from? Perhaps because I grew up with a mother who had a negative relationship with money and was always panicking about it. My reality is that I hold a wonderful, well-paying job that I love. Mr. Jem is starting up his own business and I have supported him through grad school and then a couple of jobs that left him stressed and very unhappy. He is struggling with the business and it is hard. That said, it doesn't mean we can't "afford" a baby. It will just be trickier. He may need to stay home with the baby, which is not the model that I would prefer, but it is what it is.

So, now that I figured out I am a Mom I am supremely depressed. How could IF be doing this to us? Why the hell can't I get and stay pregnant? I'm not just sad, I'm effing mad. Mad, mad, mad.

This is so damn unfair I could spit. We've all ranted and raved on this subject and I'm sure all thought the same thing... crack whores can get knocked up, why not ME?!! Blah, blah, bah. 

Anyways, that's where I am.

~Jem

Urp...

The weekend was full of much indulgence, including a mani/pedi, a hot tub, sushi, frozen yogurt, more pizza and more coffee. I do have to say by then end of the day on Saturday I felt pretty lousy physically. Too much crap food.

This morning I'm back to eating sensibly and will even head to the gym at lunch (gasp!). I'm looking forward to working up a sweat! I'm ready to lose some weight and start feeling good! Anyone else out there ready to join me?

Hope you all are doing well out there. Emotionally I'm still very fragile. Actually, I'm fine 80% of the time, but If I start thinking or talking about our BFN, I get all teary. Perfectly normal, if you as me.

~Jem

The FU IF diet (updated)

After crying for an hour straight after receiving the news of our BFN, I started implementing my plan for the FU IF diet.

• I began with a hot dog for lunch yesterday.
• I had a glass of red wine at 4:00 p.m. (on an empty stomach). It tasted AMAZING.
• Followed by another glass with dinner - pepperoni pizza (acupuncturist had me on no pork and low carb, thus no pasta and pizza).
• I had chocolate for dessert, first time in months.
• Then a little fun in the bedroom - Thank you, Big O. It does help as a mood lifter.
• This morning: bagel (see above), medium-sized latte (Low fat and full caff of course), cream cheese (I had cut way back on dairy), egg quiche (and I had also cut out eggs). Then a cream cheese danish.
• Lunch: I will have some sort of sliced meats, preferably processed with nitrates.
• Dinner: Sushi (raw fish), and sake. Then candy and popcorn at the movie theatre. Planning on going at the time I would (should) have had my PIO shot.

Take that, IF!

This is how I cope. I hope I don't feel too sick with all this crap.

Eventually (in the next day or so), I will go back to a "eat healthy food" diet so I can lose the extra 20 lbs (Thanks to two IVFs and a FET). In the meantime, I will do what I want to.

I'm back in the office and I don't feel like crying. That's good, right?

Thank you to all of you for the outpouring of sympathy. You all get it. I appreciate it.

WTF appointment scheduled for July 22. Should have been our first OB scan. FML. (oh, no, the tears are starting...)

~Jem

Update: Urpppp. Now I feel jittery and a little sick...

Beta results

Big Fat Negative

Nothing else to say.

Totally devastated. So much for being fucking zen.

~Jem

Poisonous thoughts (updated)

Thank you all for the outpouring of love and support. Each and every one of your messages made me cry. I know you've all been there, or if you haven't yet, being in IF-land, the chances are very high. When this process started I naively thought, "This will work for us. No problem." Two deceptions later, I don't feel the same way.

Right now I feel like the whole thing is worthless and I won't ever be a mom. Waaaa, poor me. IF has made me such a navel-gazer that I've neglected my job, my family, my weight, my mental health.

There's part of me that is yelling, "Jem, snap out of it." and another going, "Don't bother, it's not worth it. You're crap, you have a crap uterus, you're a wimp and failure. You're fooling yourself about this whole parenthood thing. If Mr. Jem was so great, why can't he hold down a job or figure out 'what he wants to do' whatever that means. He can't support you. You've been supporting him all these years. Losers. Both of you. There's a reason you can't reproduce, it's called Darwinism, selection of the fittest. Face it, you're not the fittest. You're just selfish. You want to pass on your DNA? Ha! His family is a bunch of short depressives and not that great looking. You? Your father's an alcoholic. Great legacy to pass on. Brilliant! As if some baby deserves that. No matter how many years of therapy you went through, you'll be a crap mom, neglectful like your own mom. You'll mess it up somehow. That's the nature of things. You just want a plaything. Your life is boring so you want something to focus on, so your boring-ness won't be as evident. You're no better than those teenage girls in the East Coast who all made a pregnancy pact so someone would 'LOVE THEM". Puleeeze! You can't afford a baby in the SF Bay Area. You know it's best if the mom stays home with the child, but you'd end up pawning your child off to child care. Why bother? Why go through all this heart-ache?

This is the poison going through my brain. Instead of working, instead of taking care of myself. See, I am a loser! Told you so!

Fuck. I'm a mess. Sorry to burden you all with this. Just waiting for the literal bleeding to start. The emotional one has already begun.

Update: I've left a message with my therapist to go see her. Clearly I have some feelings to sort out.

Beta #2

Dr. W called while I was at Whole Paycheck. Not good news, to quote him. My HCG went down to 17. I'm to stop all meds.

I'm sure I could have been pulled over during my drive home for driving under the influence of tears. Not a pretty sight.

Fuck. Game over, again.

Can't even think about next steps right now, just want to curl in a ball and cry.

Jem

Beta results

Since I'm doing multiple posts today...

Just got a call from our IVF nurse. The beta came back negative.

Now just waiting for my period to start so we can officially start our FET cycle. Only thing I can do is make a list:

To do:
- Start Period
- Start Est.race pills on day 2
- Reschedule appointment for mock transfer to map out lady-bits again
- Get scanned to determine lining thickness
- If thick enough, start progesterone shots (PIO)
- 6th day of PIO, transfer frozen embryos
- Pray.

Thanks again to everyone for their support. I've sworn off HPTs. Forever. Beta only for me going forward.

I'm not devastated by this BFN like last month. I'm glad to know. Not knowing was hell.

First ever HPT - confused and need help

Today is cyle day 32. My cycle is normally 30 days, on the dot. On day 30 I had a bunch of my pre-period symptoms: headache, grouchiness, craving chocolate, emotional out-bursts. Today I feel great. Still no period.

I have an appointment with Dr. W this morning for another mock transfer in preparation for our FET. Gotta map out my cervix, as Dr. Alternative had a hard time getting the embies up there during the fresh cycle. In fact, it hurt. Like a pap smear with the dentist from Little_Shop_of_Horrors.

Anyhoo. I realize this this my first cycle post IVF, but 32 is long for me.

So I bought my First HPT this morning, right when the pharmacy opened. Luckily, the Clear.blue's were on sale.

Results?

Not pregnant. But...

There is the faintest vertical line across the big fat horizontal line. Is this the famous evaporation line? If I were PG, at 2 days past the day I expected my period, wouldn't the vertical line be stronger?

I've called my IVF coordinator to ask her what to do.

I'm feeling super anxious right now.

Help!

Update:Peed on the 2nd test. Same very, very faint line. Jumping in my car right now to get a better test. Thanks for the suggestions. OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG...

Update #2: Bought the F.irst R.esponse digital. The little clock is flashing...

Update #3: No. Definitely negative. Oh well. It was a fun ride... Where's my period, then?

Update #4: I hate IF, I hate my body, I hate Mr. Jem's crap sperm. I just want to cry. When I left the pharmacy the last time, I turned down the offer for a bag. As I turned to leave, the lady at the register said, "Don't forget the receipt." I replied, "Why? Can I return the test if it doesn't give me the response I want?"

Ughh. Again, I hate this.

Too many BFN's

We IF'ers accept odds just better than Las Vegas. We invest our hearts, our minds, and our $$ in procedures that have a 50/50 chance of succeeding. We hope and pray that we are "one of the lucky ones" who gets a BFP and that the BFP will stick around for 9 months. I don't mean to sound hopeless, because I'm not. I have a lot of hope riding on the 3 frosties waiting for me in the lab. I can hear the croupier in the sky saying, "Ladies and Gentlemen, place your bets. Step right up and pick a color: Red or black? Place your bets."
So much hope, so much heart-break. The ups and downs. The maybes. The hormones. How do we do it? What if we succeed? When will we stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? Ever?

At diagnosis: disbelief. What? Why can't this be easy? Procedures explained: Hope, curiosity, apprehension.

Action. Body uncomfortable, mind in anguish: will this work?

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Hope?

Waiting. Waiting Waiting. Cautious optimism sneaks, as does certainty that it can't possibly work.

Negative beta = Disappointment. Soul-crushing disappointment. Slow recovery. (Un)explainable tears. Hormones still raging. Raging.

Slowly more smiles. More hope. More hope? Nope. Yes. Maybe.

Where are you on the roller-coaster?

Jem

ICLW

Welcome ICLW'ers!

This is my second month posting for ICLW.

Today is cyle day 8 after a failed IVF, our first IVF. Well, not exactly failed, even though we got a BFN, because we have 3 embies on ice. I took the BFN pretty hard and am just starting to heal. We have our WTF appointment with "Dr. not-so-Wonderful" on Nov 30th. I'm sure we'll be proceeding with FET as soon as possible. My clinic has very good success rates with FET, equal to what they do with fresh.

I'm actually looking forward to FET. I was definitely over-stimulated during IVF, which made me very uncomfortable physically. I hope to be in a better place for the FET.

The most important thing that I learned with my BFN? That I'm not so ambivalent about becoming a mom. I was so heart-broken. It was clear to me that I really, really, really, really want to be a mom.

It's not like I didn't already know that. How could we IF'ers go through what we go through without REALLY wanting a child.

I guess my heart really opened up with the BFN and I was able to feel my wanting in a way I couldn't before.

Jem

BFN: One week later (Updated)

This morning I had my second beta at the clinic. I had a 7:00 a.m. appointment to draw blood. I guess they want to make sure that nothing hormonal is still happening.

At 6:45 a.m. it was clear that I wasn't going to make it and had to reschedule to be down there (20 minutes from home) at 7:35. I had flown back home from Texas the night before and was dead tired. But it was more than that.

We ended up getting there at 7:55 a.m. It was like my feet were made of lead.

I cried the whole drive down to the clinic. Mr. Jem asked, "What's wrong? I thought you were doing so much better."

"I was!" I answered. "But driving down here has re-opened the wound!"

I had a very busy time in Texas, long days working on a meeting. I didn't have time to feel anything. Now, back in the car, all the feeling rushed back. Good thing I didn't wear mascara today!

I guess this mourning period takes longer than I thought. We've been TTC since Jan 2007, so I guess I should cut myself a little slack and not expect to just "be better" on command.

How long has it taken for you to recover from a BFN (if ever)?

Update: Results of HCG #2: back to normal

BFN: the aftermath

“It’s okay. We always have our three beautiful frozen embryos. It’s okay,” Mr. Jem said when hearing the news, trying to make me feel better.

“No, it’s NOT okay.” I respond with passion. “It’s distinctly not okay. Today it has to be okay for it not to be okay. Right now it just sucks. Period.”

This is/was our first IVF cycle. I kept secretly hoping we’d be the lucky few that made it on the first try. It was bad enough going though two years of TTC before this. I had NO idea of the pain of a negative beta. I follow and comment on a lot of other blogs and have read other people’s anguish at a negative beta. I felt sympathy and compassion but nothing prepared me for how I would feel today. Nothing. I can’t believe I actually told myself, that I said to Mr. Jem, “I won’t be devastated if it’s negative.” Ha! Big, fucking ha!

All week I didn’t think I was pregnant. Of course, this doesn’t make the sorrow any less. Boy, do I wish it did. Instead, all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and cry. Drown my sorrow in a BFN diet. Let me tell you about it.

After hearing the news I went to McDonald’s and ordered a Quarter Pounder with cheese, fries and chocolate milkshake. Much to my chagrin I cried all the way to McDonalds. I placed my order, sunglasses on to hide my bloodshot eyes. Then I cried my way back to the office.

Back at my desk and wolfed the fast food down, barely tasted anything.

I then chugged half a coke in the kitchenette. “So there! I’m drinking caffeine! Ha! So there, fertility gods! I defy you! I drink caffeine! And I’m going to drink a butt-load of wine on Saturday night when I go out with my friend to a free dinner event at Chez Panisse, one of the best restaurants in America. Take that!”

I tried to stay at work, but I had to leave because I couldn’t stop crying. I tried to hide it, to avoid others. No luck. At one point one of my closest colleagues asked, “Jem, are you okay? Are you mad at me?”

I mumbled, “Of course I’m not mad. I’ll be okay. I’m not feeling well and am going home.” Zero eye contact. Not exactly the swift, low impact exit I wanted to make.

Shit. Am I going to have explain? What can I say? “I got some bad news.” Lie and say, “I had a really bad headache”? Fuck. I don’t want to talk to people about this. During the whole IVF cycle I simply explained that I was having “female issues” while making vague gestures in the vicinity of my tummy. I work with all men and this was enough. I don’t want to be the subject of office gossip, or discussion, no matter how well-meaning.

OMG, I just looked down and there are strings of snot on my sweater ask I’m typing this. I’ve been crying THAT hard and wiping my nose with a napkin I stole on my way down to my train. I’m on my back to my little suburb, to curl up on the couch with my sweet kitties Sharkey and Fluffy and of course with Mr. Jem. Maybe I’ll be up to watching something light and humorous on TV to get me out of this funk, but right now I’m just being sad.

Sad, but also mad, angry as all get-out and with more sad under that.