Thursday, November 19, 2009

BFN: One week later (Updated)

This morning I had my second beta at the clinic. I had a 7:00 a.m. appointment to draw blood. I guess they want to make sure that nothing hormonal is still happening.

At 6:45 a.m. it was clear that I wasn't going to make it and had to reschedule to be down there (20 minutes from home) at 7:35. I had flown back home from Texas the night before and was dead tired. But it was more than that.

We ended up getting there at 7:55 a.m. It was like my feet were made of lead.

I cried the whole drive down to the clinic. Mr. Jem asked, "What's wrong? I thought you were doing so much better."

"I was!" I answered. "But driving down here has re-opened the wound!"

I had a very busy time in Texas, long days working on a meeting. I didn't have time to feel anything. Now, back in the car, all the feeling rushed back. Good thing I didn't wear mascara today!

I guess this mourning period takes longer than I thought. We've been TTC since Jan 2007, so I guess I should cut myself a little slack and not expect to just "be better" on command.

How long has it taken for you to recover from a BFN (if ever)?

Update: Results of HCG #2: back to normal

16 comments:

jenicini said...

I am sorry this morning was so difficult. It took me about a month before I finally escaped out of the crazy obsessed whirlwind of my emotions. I am hoping you find peace soon.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Just wanted to say that I'm so very sorry and offer you big hugs. Take as long as you need in being sad and angry.

Pie said...

I'm sorry. It has taken me weeks after a BFN to have the tears stop creeping up on me, surprising me. And I'm not the crying type usually. Remember, there are still hormones in your system, still your body adjusting to the fluctuations in hormones. So cut yourself some slack, it will take a while to feel "normal" again.

C said...

I'm so sorry. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I don't. There is no right way to feel and no timeline that works for everyone. Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

((HUGS))

Illanare said...

I'm so sorry. This all just sucks, doesn't it?

Thinking of you.

irrationalexuberance said...

I would echo the other commenters and say that it will take as long as it takes. Allow yourself to feel bad and remember that there is nothing at all wrong with being upset. I'm so sorry this morning sucked so much.

'Murgdan' said...

It does take as long as it takes. I was in a very dark place for over a month...then little by little the sun started to shine again. Even with the FET 4 months later I didn't get that shiny happy feeling again until transfer day...

Take the time you need...you've certainly earned a time of mourning. It sucks.

WannabeMommy said...

Damn! I'm so sorry.... I really had a good feeling about your IVF.

I find, like anything, it gets better slowly over time. About a month was good for me. Although the wound is frequently reopened (as you put it), when a new friend becomes pregnant.

Many hugs to you....

Nicole said...

Everybody is different when handling a loss, so take however long you need. I still wouldn't say I am over either of my IVF failures (2.5 and 2 years ago!) But it took me at least a week to even function, and after about a month I could behave pretty normally in public. The loss and grief will never be gone- it just dulls with time and mostly you just learn to deal with it. Maybe the grief will be gone when you finally have a baby in your arms. My RE (who went through IF including *5* IVFs with his wife) says that whenever he looks at his infant son he doesn't even think about the pain-it's gone.
It's more about coping and healing. You can do it. I'm not sure how religious you are, but I can tell you that it never got much better for me until I stopped be angry at God for the BFN.
Your recovery will be uniquely yours. Best of luck with it. We're all thinking of you and sending lots of love ;)

lovecomesfirst said...

It's been two months for me and I'm still sick over it. The other day I had to go by my clinic (it's right down the street) and get my bloodwork history for my acupuncturist and I just put it off and put it off all day... I did not want to go back in there.

I hope that your WTF appointment goes well and helps you to heal a little bit.

Rain Child said...

I am so sorry for all of this pain! My thoughts are with you!

egghunt said...

I just found your blog and wanted to give you a big hug. A BFN is absolutely soul destroying. It took me weeks of isolating myself before I was ready to face the world again (seriously, i didn't even phone my best friend who I normally talk to daily) as I couldnt bear to have to share my grief with others, I wanted them all to just leave me alone until I could get my head around what had happened. Slowly you will find yourself feeling better but some part of that pain will always be there unfortunately. The only thing that got me back to some sense of normality was if I started planning for what to do next. So I hope you start to feel better soon, look after yourself

Heather said...

I'm still in the depths of it myself, so I have no words of wisdom as far as getting out of this hole, but I do know how awful you feel right now. I'm already planning for a shitty Thanksgiving (ironic, huh?), Christmas and probably New Year for good measure. I imagine going back to my clinic will reopen some wounds for me as well.

Take care of yourself.

mekate said...

I know you;ve gotten great feedback from other folks here, but I wanted to say that so much of this is this-moment, this loss, this cycle, but then there is the bigger set of symbolic shit --the sadness that comes up sometimes with a negative is about this too--sad to even be here trying this this way and the unfairness of it.

Please be gentle with yourself, this really does suck. It does. and it feels pretty darn sucky as a result. I find that it comes and goes. if I can immediately be involved with a new cycle and protocol, the distraction helps, but if not, then the sad comes in waves, just like all grief.

take care and give yourself a break and the room to feel whatever it is you are feeling.

warmly,
Kate

K said...

For me, I think it takes as long as it takes to get to the point where I feel like I've moved on. This cycle, it wasn't until the day of our IUI. I was numb from the BFN through a round of bcp, a cancelled IVF cycle, 5 days of 'mid and finally woke up about 12 hours after the IUI.

And by numb, I really mean in so much pain I was in a daze that caused me to have to just shutdown to take the sadness away. Not my choice, but apparently that's how my psyche thought it best to handle this one.

XOXO I hope it lets up soon.

TeeJay said...

Everyone heals differently. For the most part, I'm ok. However I have my moments when I tear up or just flat out cry. Looking at my stomach while in the shower, for instance, I still picture how big it should be now. I think once you get closer to your FET you will start to feel the gloom lift and the hope will shine again. Just take it one day at a time.