Monday, November 23, 2009

Too many BFN's

We IF'ers accept odds just better than Las Vegas. We invest our hearts, our minds, and our $$ in procedures that have a 50/50 chance of succeeding. We hope and pray that we are "one of the lucky ones" who gets a BFP and that the BFP will stick around for 9 months. I don't mean to sound hopeless, because I'm not. I have a lot of hope riding on the 3 frosties waiting for me in the lab. I can hear the croupier in the sky saying, "Ladies and Gentlemen, place your bets. Step right up and pick a color: Red or black? Place your bets."
So much hope, so much heart-break. The ups and downs. The maybes. The hormones. How do we do it? What if we succeed? When will we stop waiting for the other shoe to drop? Ever?

At diagnosis: disbelief. What? Why can't this be easy? Procedures explained: Hope, curiosity, apprehension.

Action. Body uncomfortable, mind in anguish: will this work?

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Hope?

Waiting. Waiting Waiting. Cautious optimism sneaks, as does certainty that it can't possibly work.

Negative beta = Disappointment. Soul-crushing disappointment. Slow recovery. (Un)explainable tears. Hormones still raging. Raging.

Slowly more smiles. More hope. More hope? Nope. Yes. Maybe.

Where are you on the roller-coaster?

Jem

16 comments:

Rain Child said...

The wait does suck...and at times, the optimism sucks too. My heart is so anxious at times, as I am sure yours is too.

I once dated a guy who was not the best sort, but something he said has always stuck around: "Life is a roller coaster. You gotta love the ups and the downs." So, when I am feeling particularly low, I remember that there is something in the "low" to love.

Secret Sloper said...

Good luck to you with your upcoming FET. I'm feeling hopeful sometimes and other times less so. My brain tells me chances are everything will turn out fine, but my heart is really hurt by the struggles and losses of the past 9 months. So we'll see what wins out in January when we start again.

AMC said...

Good Luck to you! Thank you so much for your posting. I am about a couple weeks away from getting new health insurance due to my husbands job change but I am on board with the idea of a therapist. I have to talk to someone, you are right I have to sort my feelings out. Thanks

Illanare said...

Good luck with the FET to come.

Right now, personally, I've lost all hope. But I'm hoping I'll find it again soon.

irrationalexuberance said...

I'd never play roulette in vegas because the house runs the odds, yet for some reason doing it month after month with my body seems ok.

On the rollercoaster? I'm just restarting my stalled car, and heading up a hill. But what scares me is that I know I'll be screaming the whole way down.

I do hope that you are doing ok and that you manage to go up the hill a bit before the FET.

MMR said...

We were told at transfer we 70% chance of our last IVF cycle being sucessful with those blasts. Sometimes I wish the Embryologist hadn't told us that. It gives me some comfort that it might happen later, but really sad that this one didn't. It also leaves me feeling confused.

Good luck with your FET!

Stacie said...

Damn that hope. She bites me in the butt every time. But, I can't seem to get rid of her. I haven't decided if that is good or just plain bad.

Hugs, to you. I hope that WTF appointment sheds some light on things.

Nicole said...

Oh, the rollercoaster. It's such a perfect description of IF. Not the fun kind, like at Six Flags or anything. The 'riding in an out-of-control mine cart down a windy bumpy yucky mine shaft' kind. I have been on EVERY place on that rollercoaster your describe (so well, BTW) multiple times.
Where am I now? I'm just got a BFP after my 3rd IVF. I should feel so relieved and happy! But instead I feel overwhelmingly nervous. And happy too! But this BFP feels like just another step in the right direction, like getting a good egg count, or a good fert report, etc... because I know there are still so many hurdles to jump before this BFP actually makes me a mama.
IF kind of robs us of the innocent joy of pregnancy sometimes, doesn't it? IF is so ugly. Strange how the quest for one of the most beautiful things in the world can require us to travel through such hideous and loathesome terrain.

Lin said...

You're so right about the Vegas comparison...and you're breakdown of the "phases" of IF. We're in the "procedures explained" part where I'll add another big fat WAITING there! Waiting and apprehension, mixed with hope about sums up that phase!

Hoping that your FET is a wonderful success! Praying that hope finds you again!

egghunt said...

Yeah, Vegas is a great comparison. I hate gambling but like irrationalexuberance said above I don't think twice about playing a gamble with my ovaries. I guess we all have to believe we'll get the prize eventually, thats why we keep going back for more.
Right now I feel like my rollercoaster is broken and i'm stuck at the bottom looking up. Maybe tomorrow after I have my scan i'll be feeling better, but who knows! Like you said, its all just a gamble. I hope someome throws some lucky dice for you soon.

C said...

Great comparison. It's amazing what we put ourselves through; the hope that pushes us.

((HUGS))

freshfreerange said...

It's a delicate balance with hope and optimism. I have found over the course of all this that one good strategy is to be cautiously optimistic or just measured, but surround yourself by people that are totally happily hopeful. Somehow their naive faith that it will work out eases the stress.

Kristin said...

Right now, I'm off the roller coaster. However, I remember being afraid to hope and afraid not to hope. It is so hard.

Lu said...

This really made me think. I am not a gambler (much to tight with my money), but yet, I have spent five years and tens of thousands of dollars on losing bets with unsuccessful fertility treatments. Of course, if one of those bets that I felt I had to make, what if it could've worked one of those times...

Good luck on your journey - it's a roller coaster, free fall drop and bumper car ride all rolled into one.

T Lee said...

Right now I'm back in line for the roller-coaster, between rides. Trying to avoid hope, because she always makes a fool of me...

SO MUCH luck with the frosties- it's definitely time for a BFP around here...

Mrs. Gamgee said...

The wait is always what gets me. I have days of hope (usually between 7-11dpo), days of resignation (12-14dpo), and days of anguish (CD 1-4). Right now, I'm on the tail end of hope...

ICLW