dIUI: 14dpo: Beta day

The call before 11:15 a.m. should have clued me in.

Drum roll please... (scroll down)
 

*

*

*

*

*

*
 

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

HCG: 325!!!!!

Yup. Three-hundred, twenty five! The Doc (not Dr. W, but the on-call doc) said this is on the high side, so multiples are a possibility. I can't even THINK about that yet. Just want that number to double by Tuesday, when I go in for beta #2.

Doc then asked if I was having any symptoms. Just sore b00bs, some mild cramping, no spotting. Then he asked if I had any questions. Nope. Mr. Jem did, tho. "Can we have intercourse?" Doc said better to wait until the first u/s (g-d willing). They'll also be testing my progesterone level on Tuesday. Depending on my level, we may adjust my progesterone suppositories.

OH. MY. G-D!!

I'm crying tears of joy right now. Mr. Jem is happy, too. Mr. Jem and I jumped up and down, hugged. Of course, he wants me to temper my reaction. He doesn't want me to be too hurt if it doesn't work out. Of course I will be hurt if it doesn't work out.

Oh, and no. I didn't pee on a stick this week, as much as I wanted to initiatlly. Good thing, too, because I just did on a cheap dollar-store one, and barely got a phantom of a second line. How is that possible with such a strong number?  Had I tested days ago, I would have been heart-broken.

Here's the results. Can YOU see a second line?

Please hold my hand until Tuesday!

~Jem

dIUI: 12dpO: pins and needles

I'm a suspended state of "I don't know"...

Sunday's beta can't come quick enough. Full weekend of activities planned. 

• Friday: date night: dinner out and then a movie at home with my sweetie
• Saturday: Aromatherapy Massage, then a local baseball game with friends.
• Sunday: beta then off across the Bay to a friend's birthday party at 1:00 - music and dancing then pizza. 

I imagine Dr. W or whoever is on duty will call before we get to the birthday party on Sunday. Either we'll be secretly celebrating, or I'll be drowning my sorrows. Either way it will be good to be surrounded by friends.

What are your weekend plans?

~Jem

Beta results

We got the call at the end of lunch.

"Bad news." 

HCG < 1. I can continue to the meds and test again Wed or stop meds and do a HPT just to confirm. But basically both options are just to confirm my BFN.

Fuck.

I'm teary, but numb. I don't want to do this anymore. My heart is breaking.

Oh, please don't say, "I'm sorry" if you comment - instead please share with me:

• One thing you are grateful for in your life and/or 
• One BFN indulgence I think should partake in (coffee/chocolate/whatever).

Thanks, Jem

Beta Day

The deed is done. I had my blood drawn at 6:15 a.m. 

I slept like shit. First, I couldn't find my iPod. I usually fall asleep listening to Circle + Bloom, or another meditation tape or a favorite podcast. Alas, I couldn't find the darn machine, so I read until 11:45 p.m. (a Hamish McBeth mystery). 

Speaking of podcasts, Mr. Jem and I went yesterday to the SF Sketchfest performance of the Sklarbro Country Podcast. Awesome. I love those guys. I laughed and laughed. Totally the best thing to do the last day of a 2WW. I even got a t-shirt signed by the twins! They are so cute, I just wanted to fold them up and put them in my pocket and take them home with me!

Last night I was woken multiple times by Mr. Jem's snoring, finally retiring to the guest room (your future nursery) to find some peace and quiet and cuddle with the cat, Sharky. I woke at 5:20 a.m. and then 5:40 and then was up to rush over the lab that opens the earliest in the area. Luckily, there wasn't a line so I was in and out in 10 minutes.

Now the true waiting begins. It was a STAT order, so Dr. Z will have the results in 4 hours. I don't know how they do things at his clinic - when they actually will call, so here's the plan for the rest of the day:

Work on a project I have due on Wednesday - I  have been procrastinating and will feel good putting in a couple hours of work, even on my day off. Really, I'll feel better.

Mr. Jem and I will then drive into the City and have lunch at a really nice restaurant that I've been wanting to go to for a while (I got a Group.on deal there and need to use the coupon). We'll meet my Aunt, who I love very much. She recently got diagnosed with Celiac Disease. They say it can be hereditary... during my recent food sensitivity test I wasn't sensitive to wheat.

After lunch, Mr. Jem and I plan on going to a museum, either this one, this one, or this one.

Hopefully we'll hear from the clinic by 2:00 p.m. I'll post results as soon as I can.

~Jem (still not peeing on sticks)

4dp3dt: Crying Uncle

I give up. I surrender. I'm waving the little white flag. IF, you have officially kicked my butt and I give up.

I haven't given up hope that this cycle will work (my b00bies are sore), but I have given up any thoughts of being able to control what's going on. I have done everything right - bed rest, good food, taken my drugs, done acupuncture, done the moxa three times a day. I've kept my stress level down.

Now I surrender. What be will be. I have one week until beta.

~Jem

Beta #100

Or at least it feels like it's Beta #100.

Can you believe I totally forgot to go yesterday to get my blood drawn to see if my HCG has gone back down to zero (please!!!!)? I know it sounds crazy to forget to go get blood drawn, but when you've gone as often as I have since January 16 (!!!), you might forget, too!

I should have results later today. I will post an update then.

And yes, I'm still bleeding (have been on and off since Feb 22).

Jem

Lowering Betas

I realized I never posted my Saturday beta... but that's understandable as we had Grandma's memorial on Saturday and I was busy with family all weekend.

HCG was down to 61. I have one more beta on Thursday morning. Hopefully it will be back to zero. Started spotting today. My goodness, the end is actually here. Can you believe it? I had my first beta on January 16, over a month ago.

Yesterday I cried like a baby... uh, no, that's the wrong image. I'd LOVE a crying baby around. I cried. Period. Cried for my lost embies, lost opportunities. Cried for my grandma, cried for myself - I will miss her so much. I saw her every week. I would have dinner with her and her dear friend, Rose, a 104-y-o woman in a wheel chair. I cried because I was afraid my mom wouldn't come down to visit me anymore (she came often to see her mother). I cried and cried.

No surprise when the spotting came early this morning. I was so pre-menstrual last night. Actually, I spent the past month in a state of premenstrual cramping and moodiness. Waiting for my beta to go down. Waiting. And waiting. Yes, it's a relief it's over, a relief and sucky. I actually went online to one of those beta tracking sites to check if Dr. W was right and the PG wasn't viable (it wasn't; Dr. W was right).

The memorial for grandma was beautiful. Started with a clarinetist from the SF Symphony playing Bach. Then my aunt did a slide show of pictures and narrative of my grandma's life, from her father's flight from czarist Russia to Argentina, his attempt to walk to America from South America, how he met Great-grandma... to grandma's birth in NYC, her marriages, the birth of my mother and aunt, move to California, jobs, divorce, political activism, friends, music (she played piano), grandchildren. Then people got up to speak about her. The entire room was filled with laughter and love for this 96-year-old woman who was so happy, filled with life and vitality. Yes, her light was fading at the end, before her fall. But she was so much fun. Until last year, she regularly beat me at Scrab.ble. She loved doing crossword puzzles with Mr. Jem, who she loved (and teased) like a grandchild. It makes me smile to type these words.

You all are now updated on my life. I have been quiet lately, reading lots of blogs, commenting when I could. I'm true to my blog name - ambivalent feelings about all the BFP announcements online. I'm genuinely happy for the women who have been through so much and are finally seeing results. AND it makes me sad, jealous, cranky, like a total beatch for being jealous. Such is life.

Thank you all for all the support and kind words. I am truly appreciative(no ambivalence there).

Next beta = what?

HCG plateaued at 338. Ugghh. I have to go back into the clinic on Friday for another u/s and possibly shot of doom (?). Gotta love the ectopic.

Uggh.

Grandma's liver is failing. I feel so bad because I am down in SoCal for work and can't be there. I know it's okay, but I feel terrible.

I arrived here yesterday (Sunday) and spent the day with my college roommate. We had lunch by the beach, a walk on the strand. Then mani/pedis (first in MONTHS!). I called it "Operation Xan.ax" because I felt so much better by the end of the day.

Jem

Next Beta...

Results are in: 358 - coming down (finally!)

Take that, ectopic pregnancy!

Next beta scheduled for Saturday. Hopefully we'll have it come WAY down.

***

Other news: my 96-year-old grandma fell yesterday and fractured her clavicle and her hip. She's in tremendous pain. Please send good, healing thoughts her way.

Jem

Pop_Rocks gone

Monday morning: symptoms have died down to almost zero. Yes, on Friday it felt like I had Pop_Rocks (yes, I'm a child of the 70s!) going crazy underneath my lower abs! Now, almost nothing - the occasional twinge on the right side.

I'm back to work, after almost three weeks off. I'm actually happy to be back in the office, back to my routine. I woke early this morning before my alarm clock, spent 20 minutes doing meditation/relaxation. What a great way to start the day!

Saturday's beta seems like ages from now. As much as I want to know what's really going on, there's NO WAY I will be POAS! I don't want to relive last month's fiasco.

Jem

Beta

Rather than doing yet another update to the last post, thought I'd start fresh.

Went to my 10:30 a.m. appointment at the clinic. There I was, legs up in the stirrups, when this woman comes in who I've never met before. "Where's Dr. W?" I asked.

"Your mock transfer was moved onto my schedule." She answered.

Oh, okay.

I then explain about the craziness with the HPT. Her response, "Do you want to do an HCG test? I don't want to go in there with a catheter if there's something going on." (Her exact words).

I look at Mr. Jem, shrug and say, "Um I guess." Now, the probability of us getting PG without IVF is very, very low, as Mr. Jem's sperm count was 8 last time. Not 8 million. Eight. Period.

All the same, I got dressed and went to draw blood. I should know early this afternoon. If it's negative, we'll reschedule the topography session (mapping how to get the catheter comfortably up me) for next week.

Had a "very interesting" chat with our IVF nurse. After looking at the calendar, we wouldn't be doing the FET the week of Dec 28th after all. The absolute earliest it would be is Jan 4. Looks like all that deliberation we did (read this post) was for naught. The good news is that Dr. W is available that week to do the transfer. But who's to say who will actually show up. These clinics run to best serve their own schedules, never mind what WE want.

In any case, fingers crossed for the beta results. I hate to hope too much... I do feel much better after having taken the beta.

Oh, and one more thing:
Cost of the two types of HPTs: $32.60
Cost of the beta at the clinic: $55 minus what's covered by my insurance = $1.78
Peace of mind: priceless.
If only I could add: "BFP: priceless."

Someday...

*sigh*

BFN: the aftermath

“It’s okay. We always have our three beautiful frozen embryos. It’s okay,” Mr. Jem said when hearing the news, trying to make me feel better.

“No, it’s NOT okay.” I respond with passion. “It’s distinctly not okay. Today it has to be okay for it not to be okay. Right now it just sucks. Period.”

This is/was our first IVF cycle. I kept secretly hoping we’d be the lucky few that made it on the first try. It was bad enough going though two years of TTC before this. I had NO idea of the pain of a negative beta. I follow and comment on a lot of other blogs and have read other people’s anguish at a negative beta. I felt sympathy and compassion but nothing prepared me for how I would feel today. Nothing. I can’t believe I actually told myself, that I said to Mr. Jem, “I won’t be devastated if it’s negative.” Ha! Big, fucking ha!

All week I didn’t think I was pregnant. Of course, this doesn’t make the sorrow any less. Boy, do I wish it did. Instead, all I want to do is curl up in a little ball and cry. Drown my sorrow in a BFN diet. Let me tell you about it.

After hearing the news I went to McDonald’s and ordered a Quarter Pounder with cheese, fries and chocolate milkshake. Much to my chagrin I cried all the way to McDonalds. I placed my order, sunglasses on to hide my bloodshot eyes. Then I cried my way back to the office.

Back at my desk and wolfed the fast food down, barely tasted anything.

I then chugged half a coke in the kitchenette. “So there! I’m drinking caffeine! Ha! So there, fertility gods! I defy you! I drink caffeine! And I’m going to drink a butt-load of wine on Saturday night when I go out with my friend to a free dinner event at Chez Panisse, one of the best restaurants in America. Take that!”

I tried to stay at work, but I had to leave because I couldn’t stop crying. I tried to hide it, to avoid others. No luck. At one point one of my closest colleagues asked, “Jem, are you okay? Are you mad at me?”

I mumbled, “Of course I’m not mad. I’ll be okay. I’m not feeling well and am going home.” Zero eye contact. Not exactly the swift, low impact exit I wanted to make.

Shit. Am I going to have explain? What can I say? “I got some bad news.” Lie and say, “I had a really bad headache”? Fuck. I don’t want to talk to people about this. During the whole IVF cycle I simply explained that I was having “female issues” while making vague gestures in the vicinity of my tummy. I work with all men and this was enough. I don’t want to be the subject of office gossip, or discussion, no matter how well-meaning.

OMG, I just looked down and there are strings of snot on my sweater ask I’m typing this. I’ve been crying THAT hard and wiping my nose with a napkin I stole on my way down to my train. I’m on my back to my little suburb, to curl up on the couch with my sweet kitties Sharkey and Fluffy and of course with Mr. Jem. Maybe I’ll be up to watching something light and humorous on TV to get me out of this funk, but right now I’m just being sad.

Sad, but also mad, angry as all get-out and with more sad under that.

Beta day: waiting

Thought I saw some spotting first thing this morning, but nothing more.

Blood drawn for HCG test at 7:00 a.m.

Waiting. Phone call from center expected around 1 p.m.

Ready for either outcome. No energy to write more. Holding it all in.

I'll update when I have news.

Jem

Update: No, I have not POAS. Too chicken. Couldn't take a false positive.