Monday, February 22, 2010

Lowering Betas

I realized I never posted my Saturday beta... but that's understandable as we had Grandma's memorial on Saturday and I was busy with family all weekend.

HCG was down to 61. I have one more beta on Thursday morning. Hopefully it will be back to zero. Started spotting today. My goodness, the end is actually here. Can you believe it? I had my first beta on January 16, over a month ago.

Yesterday I cried like a baby... uh, no, that's the wrong image. I'd LOVE a crying baby around. I cried. Period. Cried for my lost embies, lost opportunities. Cried for my grandma, cried for myself - I will miss her so much. I saw her every week. I would have dinner with her and her dear friend, Rose, a 104-y-o woman in a wheel chair. I cried because I was afraid my mom wouldn't come down to visit me anymore (she came often to see her mother). I cried and cried.

No surprise when the spotting came early this morning. I was so pre-menstrual last night. Actually, I spent the past month in a state of premenstrual cramping and moodiness. Waiting for my beta to go down. Waiting. And waiting. Yes, it's a relief it's over, a relief and sucky. I actually went online to one of those beta tracking sites to check if Dr. W was right and the PG wasn't viable (it wasn't; Dr. W was right).

The memorial for grandma was beautiful. Started with a clarinetist from the SF Symphony playing Bach. Then my aunt did a slide show of pictures and narrative of my grandma's life, from her father's flight from czarist Russia to Argentina, his attempt to walk to America from South America, how he met Great-grandma... to grandma's birth in NYC, her marriages, the birth of my mother and aunt, move to California, jobs, divorce, political activism, friends, music (she played piano), grandchildren. Then people got up to speak about her. The entire room was filled with laughter and love for this 96-year-old woman who was so happy, filled with life and vitality. Yes, her light was fading at the end, before her fall. But she was so much fun. Until last year, she regularly beat me at Scrab.ble. She loved doing crossword puzzles with Mr. Jem, who she loved (and teased) like a grandchild. It makes me smile to type these words.

You all are now updated on my life. I have been quiet lately, reading lots of blogs, commenting when I could. I'm true to my blog name - ambivalent feelings about all the BFP announcements online. I'm genuinely happy for the women who have been through so much and are finally seeing results. AND it makes me sad, jealous, cranky, like a total beatch for being jealous. Such is life.

Thank you all for all the support and kind words. I am truly appreciative(no ambivalence there).

17 comments:

Stacie said...

Oh, Jem. I wish I could reach through and give you a great big hug. I am so sorry for the passing of your grandmother. She really sounds like a wonderful woman.

Sometimes you just need to open the flood gates and just be sad. Tears can be so healing. Much love to you...

Melissa G said...

Jem, it sounds like the crying was very effective. You've had so much going on lately, you poor thing I really think it was the best thing for you. It's gotta come out sometime, right?

Anyway, I hope you're able to take a little time to yourself so you can continue to heal.

Hugs.

egghunt said...

i have been wondering how you are doing. Your grandmas memorial sounded so special. If you believe in heaven then you could say she's up there looking after your angels now.
Continue being you and looking after you and everything else will fall into place somehow. big hugs. xxx

Circus Princess said...

I'm relieved to hear your beta is finally getting down there.
Sounds like you had a wonderful ceremony for your grandma. My grandma's funeral is on the 3rd and I know it will be very emotional :(
Lots of hugs to you!

womb for improvement said...

I'm not surprised you feel overwhelmed and emotional. You've been through so much, will need time. So don't push yourself.

Heather said...

Jem,
I've been thinking about you. Your tribute to your grandma sounds very fitting of her. I'm glad your beta is finally getting closer to zero. What a month though. I think you need a vacation!

Take care!

myinfertilitywoes said...

Just big hugs to you. I enjoy reading you - your honesty and just putting it out there. We've all felt that jealousy and feeling bad about it - and we shouldn't. It's just a part of what we're going through but thank you for expressing it. It helps to know we're not crazy :)

Adventures in Baby Waiting said...

Jem, you deserve a big fat hug! I'm sorry you have had it rough the last few weeks. It's really rotten. I really loved reading about your Grandmother. If there is anything I might add to make you feel better...know that you are lucky to have had her, I know you know this, but sometimes those that are so lucky don't realize just how lucky they are. I have never had an active Grandparent. My Grandparents live in Texas and I live in Missouri. I never hear from them and it's been this way my entire life. I didn't know there was a different type of Grandparent until I met my Husband's Grandmother who is actively involved with all of her Grandchildren. You are so fortunate for every game of scrabble, every time she teased and all of the other wonderful memories you have. I don't even have the memories. In fact if one of my two remaining Grandparents passed away I don't even know that I would go to the funeral. You are so fortunate to have shared such a special bond with your dear Grandmother. Cherish that. I know you do.

I really feel for you and your struggles right now. I will keep checking in on you. Hang in there chica! :)

Pie said...

Oh Jem, what tough time you've had. I'm so sorry and wish I could give you a giant hug. I hope things begin to normalize for you soon, you deserve a break.

irrationalexuberance said...

Your grandmother sounds wonderful, and while you will miss her, it sounds as if you had lots of good times together -- treasure those and try to have those sustain you during this hard time.
I'm glad to hear beta numbers are dropping; we've been watching from the other coast (the Boy is now an avid follower as well) and hoping that this trial will be over soon. One last thing: you don't need to apologize for anything you feel: it's your life and no one knows what it's like to live it except you.

pcostory said...

Hugs. Your jealosy makes you human, not a bi#%*.

Jendeis said...

I'm so sorry, sweetie. You're dealing with some really tough losses right now. I don't think you're a beeyotch at all, you have every right to feel all your feelings.

Leslie said...

Congratulations on 61. That sounds really good, and it IS a relief to get your period again. Let the healing process begin!
It sounds so tough to go through this at the same time as losing your grandmother. The only good thing I can see about it is that it gives you an excuse to be sad... and that is so awful! But the fact is that grieving miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies isn't really publicly condoned, and hiding the grief can be awfully hard. But, it is a LOT going on for you and I'm really really sorry.

C said...

It sounds like your grandmother had a very full and interesting life. I'm so sorry for your loss.

You have a lot going on right now. Please know that I'm thinking of you.

((HUGS))

Priscilla said...

You are amazingly tough to survive all that you have been through recently. I don't blame you at all for feeling jealousy...I know we have all been there and its OK.

((HUGS))

takingbabysteps said...

I am so sorry for what you are going through. Having had an ectopic, a tube removed because of it, I know how traumatic it can be. Not only do you lose a baby but almost yourself. Crying is cathartic. Some quiet time is cathartic. And venting is cathartic. I do not blame you for being jealous. When I hear success stories, I say: can that ever be me? Others succeed after failure - what if I never can? I know the feeling.

One Who Understands said...

Good news about your lowering numbers. Praying that Thursdays is close to 0. Glad the spotting is coming too. You cry all that you need to. Let out all that pain and frustration. Sorry about your grandma too. What a month you have had. You deserve more than a good cry!