Saturday, February 13, 2010

Metho.trexate #2

After waiting for 30 minutes to be called back to the u/s room, I had my Metho.trexate shot #2 administered. Damn, those shots hurt. I'll never complain about PIO again - okay, maybe I will.

I had to wait in the room for 15 minutes after the injections (yes, there are two, one in each cheek) to make sure I was okay. I just lay on the table and cried. Cried because I should be carrying a regular, healthy fetus by now, not getting ANOTHER shot of toxic medication meant to stop embryonic tissue from growing. It's so counter-intuitive, so wrong!

I WANT a baby to grow in me.

Clearly my body wants to be pregnant and is holding on. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not my baby, that my baby will come.

I had to tell my boss what was going on, as I missed half a day of work on Friday. He was just relieved that there was nothing life-threatening going on with me, plus, he made me smile as we were leaving the conference room where we were talking - he said, "Jem, I'm so excited for you!" It made me remember the hope and longing I do have to become a mother. Hope I've had to push and cram into a small part of my heart as I'm dealing with this pregnancy that was not meant to be.

What did annoy me was that he went on a bit about how basically I need to take a break from treatment because we're starting the really busy time of the year at work - I am in the training department of a very large company and we are preparing for our annual sales conference, preparing 12 hours of training for our sales force. I know I need to have my head in the game and all, but didn't need to hear it from him.

Needless to say, Mr. Jem and I had already decided to wait a while until we start treatment again. First to see if we can get Mr. Jem's sperm count up and see if we can conceive "naturally" and second, so we can both concentrate on work for a while.

So, now I'm just taking it easy, taking care of Mr. Jem who has the flu. Hoping I don't feel sick from the Metho.trexate (diarrhea, headache, stomach cramps, dizziness, and nausea - fun!).

Other than all that crap, as well as mourning my grandma's passing, I'm actually doing fine. I've decided to wear my hear curly these days - It's fun to play with maximizing my natural curls, rather than straightening them everyday.

8 comments:

Poppet said...

My hope that you and Jem just enjoy a nice Valentines Day together. Quiet. Read the Sunday paper. Watch a nice movie.

Ain't nuttin' wrong with curls! :-)

jenicini said...

{hugs}

Priscilla said...

You are such a trooper. I'm so sorry this winter has been so tough on you. You are in my thoughts often! xx

Nicole said...

What a nightmare this is. I'm so sorry Jem, I would have cried on that table too, you better believe it!! I truly can't even imagine. M/C is hard enough, I know personally, but this?? This is way worse than a natural passing. I hope it ends very very soon.
Sorry to hear your boss is trying to tell you when you can/can't TTC, ergh!
On a completely different note... I used to have the perfect in-between hair= easy to scrunch curl and easy to straighten. It was seriously awesome!! After my first IVF though... GONE! I'm pretty sure the meds robbed me of it :( I was kind of hoping that another cycle or getting pregnant or something someday would restore my awesome hair status, but no. Glad to hear you've found an easy change to brighten you up a bit!

IF Optimist, then... said...

I hate that you are going through this. I hope that this awful time will be over soon and you can begin to get back to normal life and love with your husband. Sending a big hug.

Jendeis said...

I'm sorry that you are going through this. Here with you.

My mom always said that the most loving thing a woman can do for herself is to love her natural hairstyle. :)

egghunt said...

Oh Jem, I'm sorry it is all getting more and more difficult, you have a lot on your plate at the moment, I hope you are Ok.
Why did your boss need to say such a thing? Its your decision and if things are so crazily busy at your work then maybe he needs to think about what he can do to make it easier on you and everyone else. Why should you have to be prepared to get stressed out at work when you've already got so much going on.
Thinking of you and hope you get some closure to this really soon.

Brooke said...

How are you doing? Thinking of you!