Nurse just called. HCG is down to 102!!! It's bittersweet. Happy to see it down finally. Unhappy to be happy about a falling beta.
Jem
Update: Northern lights: I wish I could have a Pastis. With shot of doom I'm not allowed alcohol for 2-3 weeks. Talk about adding insult to injury! I'll just have to eat some French food and think of our time in Paris! Hey, "we'll always have Paris" won't we?
21 comments:
Am with you on this each step of the way, even if it's cross country and anon on your blog ... Since 'you hang in there' sounds so trite, make sure you treat yourself to a pastis at a cool bistro instead (and send me a picture over e-mail and we'll pretend we're together in Paris) xo
It is so very, very bittersweet. Thinking of you. You've been through far too much already this year.
Thinking of you, Sweetie!!!
I'm glad that it's falling (you've really been through so darned much that I'm glad the universe decided to be just with this, at least). But also very sorry that it has to fall.
Hate to be happy about such shitty news, but I am glad that you don't have an ectopic and this will soon be over. Wishing you good health and peace.
Sorry that we're having to cheer on a falling beta...but glad that soon this will be over for you and that it didn't end up ectopic after all.
Thinking of you!
I'm glad it's falling, but also sad you are still going through this. And it really is insult to injury - no alcohol! You are packing many karma beads in the bag, things have to look up soon.
I know this is so bittersweet for your, but I'm glad the numbers are finally coming down and that your body is starting to heal. I know it will be a long time before your heart heals, but this is a first step. Hopefully, things will even out very soon for you and you can move on from this step in the process. Hang in there, sweetie.
((HUGS))
Thinking of you.
Thinking of you, and hoping this all resolves as quickly as possible.
Also, I nominated you for a blog award.
came here via babyinterrupted. so sorry you're going through all of this on top of losing your grandmother. big hugs.
i hated the methotrextate. hated it. those painful shots. and yes, felt horrible to forcefully end something that you so wanted to work. so not fair.
i've been on a 3 month break. needed it. but yucky, yucky that your boss said those things to you. so not his business!!!!!
i'll keep checking back in to give virtual hugs.
I also hated the MTX. The fear, the worry, the constant triage of emotions. A loss on top of a loss, you've been through so much. Here's hoping that those suckers drop quickly and you are back at 0 with a real glass of wine in your hand.
Hi sweet Jem,
so sorry for all that is happening, a shit sandwich with a side of crapitude, but but, the falling beta is good news considering everything.
I'm leaving you an award on my blog later tonight if you're up for a diversion.
XOXO
Kate
Jem,
I feel for you! I also had what we first thought was a chemical, with a sudden rising HCG (had the same WTF reaction as you), followed by methotrexate. Followed by a stubborn HCG not going down quick enough and then more metho. And yes, I agree, that it insult to injury that no pastis can be used to drown the sorrows in. (Sober and not pregnant. So unfair.) As soon as you can have pastis, I suggest you immediately travel to Paris. :)
Hi Jem,
You left a comment on my blog about iron levels. Yes, I found research that low ferritin (iron stores) is correlated with infertility. Do you know your ferritin value? I was slightly anemic but with nearly no ferritin left. I had 5 Venofer (iron sucrose) infusions and back in the normal range again. I feel so much more energized now.
I am sorry to read about your recent losses (pregnancy and grandmother). It's a lot to have happen all at one time.
(hug)
I don't envy you the wait for hcg to get down to 0 after mtx. I've been there and it totally sucked. I am glad for you that they're decreasing, and I hope none of us ever has to go through it again!!! I am so sorry for your awful experiences.
Hi Jem-- I should be working instead of obsessively reading blogs and people's comments! Ah well, it is my second week of blogging and it makes me feel like I have SOMETHING, so whatever. My hcg got as high as 11,000. Scary, huh? It had gotten as high as 5000 (but not doubling properly), then went down to 2000, then I had a massive bleed-out and all the nurses were saying, yup, that was it-- a miscarriage, and at that point I was like, "woo-hoo! a miscarriage!" (the nurses were a little alarmed by my exuberance over this, but compared to an ectopic, a miscarriage sounds so RIGHT. So natural). They just wanted to monitor me on the way down. The next week I didn't even bother calling in for my results, I was so sure, and blissfully unburdened, that I had miscarried (don't get me wrong, I was still weeping daily, sometimes hourly, but at least it was OVER). When I did finally call in, I found out that it had gone up to 11,000 (I'm still wondering why no one thought to call me about this). My ob, could believe that my tube hadn't ruptured, and in fact I was experiencing no discomfort (the wait between hearing those words and getting the shot were unsettling-- but honestly I was too depressed to care if I bled to death in excruciating pain, so that was one thing). It was also weird, but a blessing, that MTX worked on the first shot, with hcg levels that high. Anyways, it was horrible. It IS horrible for you right now. Of course it gets better. But obviously I'm not completely back to psychological health!
I'm so sorry for your loss. Thanks so much for your comment on my blog today. Glad to see that I'm not the only c*unt! Hoping you get back to zero soon. How fucked up is that?
I'm sorry you're going through this. It really is devastating to go through a chemical...I was teased with a very slow rising beta once but it didn't drag on nearly as long...I can only imagine. Hopefully soon, you will have closure and peace.
Wanted to let you know that I featured your blog today on my blog. Maybe that will cheer you up a little! ;-) ~mymiracles77 (http://stressfreeinfertilityblog.com)
Hey -- I hope you are doing (tolerably) well, all things considered. And incidentally, I read your comment to Megan and don't think you are a bad person at all, just normal and filled with the same anger and sadness that we all wrestle with. And I'm right there, bitterly jealous with you.
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