Monday, January 31, 2011

Beta results

We got the call at the end of lunch.

"Bad news." 

HCG < 1. I can continue to the meds and test again Wed or stop meds and do a HPT just to confirm. But basically both options are just to confirm my BFN.


Fuck.


I'm teary, but numb. I don't want to do this anymore. My heart is breaking.
Oh, please don't say, "I'm sorry" if you comment - instead please share with me:
  • One thing you are grateful for in your life and/or 
  • One BFN indulgence I think should partake in (coffee/chocolate/whatever).
Thanks, Jem

63 comments:

Melissa G said...

What a lovely idea for comments in lieu of.

Well since I'm not going to say "I'm sorry", I am going to shout "SONOFABITCH!!!", whilst shaking my fists at the universe.

I am grateful for 60+ degree weather in January.

An indulgence to partake in; Gotta be wine for me. Go pick up a bottle of Silver Oak (kinda pricey, but screw it) and a box of Godiva, and enjoy friend. You've been through a lot.

Thinking of you.

P.S. If you want to grab some coffee this weekend or need someone to talk to - you know how to find me. But no pressure.

Jessica said...

Shit...fuck...dammit!

Well, I am most grateful for my closest friends and family. They have helped me through my darkest days after we lost our boys.

My indulgences would be a massage, a mani-pedi, a great cup of coffee followed by a really great bottle of wine.

Treat yourself gently, kindly and well. Keeping you and the Mr. in my thoughts.

Sarah said...

Well that Fucking Sucks.

Wine. Lots and lots of wine. And Martini's. The Pixi stick ones are delicious.

A pretty nice little Saturday said...

I'm going to delurk to say that I'm really thankful for your blog, and for all the blogs of people going through this bullshit! I'm newer to fertility treatments and I've learned a lot from you! Thank you for sharing!!

One of my favorite indulgences is busting shit up! We are remodeling our house one small project at a time, but there are certain things I don't do when I think I could be pregnant. But that first weekend after I get my period I like to do demo, or paint, or strip something. Demo is the best, but we don't have enough walls for me to bust through every period. ;)

Stacie said...

Fuck is right. Ugh.

Might I suggest a nice long bubble bath with a chocolate donut chaser?

Hugs.

T Lee said...

Well, shit.

When it's me, I go Margaritas, all the way...

Meg. said...

Shit fuck damn it! =(

SO wishing this news would have been different for you. There's just no rhyme or reason to this madness.

Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. And dark chocolate. And hugs from Mr. Jem.

Katie said...

FUCK.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Alcohol. Chocolate. Preferably together. Chocolate beer? Maybe chocolate and wine is better...

This shit sucks.

Allison said...

Fuckity fuck FUCK.

I'm grateful for the entire ALI community.

And for indulgence, hit 'em all - I don't think I can choose... latte, sushi, wine, some amazing dark chocoloate and a big ol' tub of ice cream.

And lots of cursing. Damnit.

Brandy said...

Fuck! I had so much hope for you this cycle!

I agree with everyone else about the alcohol. Sushi and wine for dinner!

And I'm grateful for xanax for when my anxiety is sky high. It's my best friend.

www.brandysheaif.blogspot.com

Mad Hatter said...

(1) I am grateful for my dog, who is always happy to see me and cuddle with me.

(2) BFN indulgence I think you should partake in: a weekend to a cozy inn in a small town where you can sit by the fire and drink Bailey's and hot chocolate and get spa treatments and eat rich, comfort food. Maybe go dogsledding or snowshoeing, and read page-turning books.

((sending hugs to you and Mr. Jem))

Love,
Maddy

Scottie Mom said...

Lord love a duck! That really sucks!

It is all about indulgences. I plan mine in advance of beta day. My RE used low carb/sugar diet too, so sometimes it is a box of Dukin Donuts or pasta. It always includes alcohol. Here are my top 3 for you (& what I will probably use):
1.Hot tub with cocktail, box of chocolates & Hubby.
2. Professional massage, pedicure & a great seafood (raw oysters!) dinner.
3.French cheeses!

Kakunaa said...

Bollocks, fuckity goddammit.

I am grateful for YOU and everyone in this buggered community.

And I am thinking a combo of all! Hot cocoa with amaretto before bed :) And then tomorrow, get BLITZED with your hubs, throw some shit, jump up and down, stomp your feet, and roll around on the floor screaming. Basically, throw a toddler tantrum. Seriously.

Love ya.

Mo and Will said...

Ah, shit. what to indulge in? depending on my mood, a nice glass of red wine is often on the post BFN list. And as for one thing I'm grateful for? My boxer puppy Moxie, who is like an antidepressant. Even when sad, she always coaxes a smile out of me.

thinking of you.

Mo

Rebecca said...

Fuck. Definitely.

Things to indulge in -- I definitely agree with the hot cocoa with amaretto.

Cherbear said...

I'm grateful for: BFN indulgences. Am I allowed to put those together?

I would suggest going to Sonic (if you have one) and get the hot fudge milkshake. YUM! Also, a big ole coke. Or icee.

And for dinner - haha -- do you have a Popeyes Chicken nearby? totally get greasy girl. You deserve it.

Krista said...

I also need to say "fuck!" Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo........ I think I'm gonna cry.....

Illanare said...

Frack.

BFN indulgence? Cocktails and chocolate cake. And a breakfast of poached eggs and smoked salmon on a cream-cheese smothered bagel.

I'm grateful for this ALI community because no-one gets it like we do.

ASP said...

Well, dammit. I've been stalking your blog all day waiting to hear results. Dammit.

One thing I'm thankful for IS all 5 of our failed IVF's. If it weren't for them, Olivia wouldn't be here with us right now and I'm a firm believer in everything will work out exactly how it's supposed to. Nobody said it would be easy or fun, and yes, failing 5 times sucked, but it's what makes us who we are and eventually leads you to where you're supposed to be. We were supposed to fail those times to be right where we're at right now. There's a bigger plan for you and you'll eventually figure it out. I can promise you that.

Have some wine, a bubble bath, treat yourself to a massage or an all day pamper package at a hotel near you. I know they do stuff like that here at the fancier places. You deserve it and probably need something like this. Loads of love to you, Jem. ♥

babyinterrupted said...

Well, shit.

I vote for big ol' glass of red wine. With chocolate. And also, perhaps, cupcakes.

Pie said...

Fuck a duck. Poop too.

1. I'm grateful for Mr. P ((my DH). He keeps me sane when I'm not so much so.
2. Booze. Jack Daniels and Coke, so you get my favorite stimulant-depressant drug combo. Add a lime to prevent scurvy.

Fuck.

Amber said...

My favorite BFN indulgence was a trip to a local hotel - the jacuzzi suite - for a night with hubby. Alcohol, HOT water with bubbles, and then a nice long slumber. Pretend you're on vacation.

*HUG*

One Who Understands said...

I wish I had a good BFN indulgence, but I don't. At the end of what happened last cycle I was so thankful for a great hubby and family who were there to lift me up. I know Mr. Jem is fabulous and I am so glad you have him. Hugs and love my friend.

Heather said...

Fuck, fuck fuck.

Chocolate... cadbury carmello bars worked best for me. And a bag of m&ms.

I'm grateful for the supportive blogging community we are members of. Especially at times like this.

Keeping you in my thoughts.

Poppet said...

F'ing hell!!! F F F F F F F..... MERDE!

One thing I am grateful for is you, babe! Nothing in the world like friends who love you just the way you are. (Cliche' but true).

Well, the best indulgence I can think of.. that doesn't matter. It's what *YOU* can think of that counts.

Poppet said...

Take it back, now that I've read a few of the comments:

Godiva, $50 wine, surf and turf and angry, non-baby making, not pretty, old fashion break-through-the-pain-sex.

Christina said...

I'm very grateful for my dog Oscar who's always there when I need him.

BFN indulgence would be to play hooky from work, do one of those spa packages where you get a massage/mani-pedi/facial followed by a quiet dinner out with Mr. Jem (preferably at a restaurant that serves homemade pasta).

Thinking of you.

EBC said...

suck suck suck suck suck.

lots of wine, cookie dough/ice cream/frosting (ok, all three really), hitting something (pillow, punching bag, not the cat) while yelling fuck, and snuggling with said cat while drinking said wine.

Lulu said...

FUCK!

I am grateful for my dogs. They make me smile even when all the humans in my life let me down.

My indulgence is booze all the way.

Emily How said...

Breakfast with your favorite cup of coffee, then sushi later.

I'm shaking my fist up at the sky for you right now

Jenni said...

Poop on a stick ( cause that's about axs useful as a poopy flavored lollipop).

An indulgence? Tannerite. Not only does it explode, but you have to/get to fired a high powered rifle to make it explode. Followed by a great big dirty martini.

LSH said...

Hugs and kisses. I am grateful for my gorgeous kitties Amelia and Mabel (a Sharky look-a-like). I suggest a tray of any slice made with sweetened condensed milk, my favourite is chocolate caramel slice.

Gurlee said...

What. The. Fuck.

I am grateful for you, others bloggers, my dog and husband.

Alcohol, Strong, dark coffee, baths and a joint.

You are loved, sister.

Rain Child said...

Well, that just SUCKS duck balls! Sucks! Sucks! Sucks!

I would highly recommend a night of dancing, sushi, and sake bombs.

TeeJay said...

Son of a mother monkey ass!!!
That said...I personally like downing a couple of jäger bombs to try and lift my spirits. It's a false sense of happiness but I'm very grateful for alcohol when I get a bfn. Sending you a big (hug).

K said...

Amen to the "no sorries" rule. Fcuk is what's coming out of this mouth for you. :(

One thing I'm thankful for is doing the 2nd IVF when I just couldn't imagine doing one more cycle. The reason why is sleeping peacefully a few feet away. It's worth the fight.

Drink some Asti...straight, as a bellini, maybe a mimosa, too. Fancy glass or straight out of the bottle.

runnyyolk said...

Triple. double, quadruple FUCK!

Cigars, champagne and porn. Enough said.

Jessica said...

FUCK BFN's!!

After my failed IVF DH went out and bought me my favorite cake and I pretended like it was my birthday and ate the shit out of that cake!!

Marissa said...

I thought I had commented before, but maybe I used the wrong code or something.

Anyway, I see my indulgences are common: red wine, hot, hot HOT bath, and sex.

And my gratitudes--the internet and my husband--are also common.

So this time, I'll be more creative. For an indulgence, I say burn something. Your protocol, your retrieval instructions, or a list of everything you think went wrong this cycle. Burn it and cry, then tell yourself all that shit is in the past, and yes it sucks, but god damn it, you WILL get the life you want, one way or a fucking other!

For gratitudes, washing machines. I'm so grateful I don't have to wash the snot-and-tear stains out by hand.

I know you don't want platitudes, but I don't know how to say "I'm here when and how you need me" without sounding cliche. It's true, though.

'Murgdan' said...

Joining in with the FUCK chorus. Drink yourself a big ol' martini, glass of wine, shot, or whatever your alch of choice is. I won't say it...but, just, 'every-curse-word-that-exists'. Dammit.

Breen said...

Well poop! I don't comment much but I was silently rootin for you.

My indulgence was a weekend getaway to visit my best friend, who I knew wouldn't be the "i'm sorry" girl. She was the lets drink a bottle of wine and cry together. Hang out with that friend.

MyTwoLines said...

Having been through five failed IVF cycles I know the pain--and so I will tell you that I always indulged in copious amounts of chocolate and bad TV when recovering from a BFFFFFFFFFFFFingN.

Pope said...

*shakes fist at the universe*

I am most grateful for the little black cat that runs to my door when I get home. He comes only at night for a few hours, just when I need him most and then he's off to his real home for sleeping.

Your indulgence should include some Haagen Das, a book you've been wanting to read and a pair of cashmere socks (and a hug from whomever you can get one).

Thinking of you..

Slackie O. said...

Fuck indeed.

My menu for indulgence is Valdeon Bleu Cheese, Brillat Savarin Affiné and baguette with ruby port, dried apricots and candied walnuts.

With a whiskey chaser.

Hangover remedy in the AM is poached egg and a great big coffee.

Save the sushi for the next day.

Michelle said...

Crap. Crap.

Sex, alcohol and lots of sleep afterward.

*hugs*

erika said...

Oh, nooooo:( that just plain sucks.
I vote for booze. Lot's of it.

Thinking of you.

H.C. Bishop said...

After every BFN I have gotten, especially after the miscarriage in December, I let myself get back to fun, silly things like drinking games on the weekends with friends. I know for someone going on 30 it's crazy, but it helped me. I quit smoking last April, but if I having a good time with friends I still have one here and there. (I had stopped drinking beer too)

Those are my indulgences.

Whatever yours my be, get back to a few, just have fun!

Lot's of love, hope to you my dear!

CS said...

Poop.

I am so grateful for my DH. Really, even though it sounds cheesy. :)

For your indulgence - do a walking tour of San Francisco by yourself (cool parts, not touristy parts), then hire a troop of firespinners to perform for you, THEN make yourself the best darn gin martini out there.

Jill said...

Once in college we were drinking beer but had a chocolate cake for a friend's birthday. We thought they would be awful together. Not at all! I vote chocolate cake WITH beer!!

Secret Sloper said...

FUUUUUUUUCK!

I am grateful for the joy I find in writing and reading. Even in the darkest times it sustains me and helps give me a purpose for living on this earth.

So many great indulgences mentioned already. I like to get a massage or facial after a BFN. Something extravagant and just for me.

But booze and sushi are always good, too. Or wild, impulsive international air travel.

Adele said...

Fuck.

Wine. Gallons of it. And a sauna, followed by a bath. As hot as I can stand it.

Sass said...

Well.

That's fucking shit.

Drink a bottle of rum, get your closest girlfriend to come round and eat a box of chocolates while watching all the Hugh Grant movies you can get your hands on.

Except 9 months.
Do not watch that.

xoxo

blessedin2010 said...

I am proud of you for recognizing the things you are grateful for - you're amazing.
I went through 4 rounds myself and my husband checked out (emotionally, not physically and not from our marriage, at round 3). I'm grategul I had the strneght to continue even though he did not as sometimes we have to give 95% when our partners only have 5% left in them.
I too am grateful for my sweet pug who just sensed when I needed him a bit more and made up for the support when my husband was just too heartbroken to do it himself. I'm also thankful that doctors continue to study improved methods and dedicate their entire practice to getting us pregnant. Mine has been at it for 30 years and faced criticism, and worse, for simply trying to make me (and other patients) mothers. Hooray for his courage. Hooray that the first doctor who performed IVF was awarded the nobel prize this year and hooray for the process. For those of us who have little-to-no chance without it, I am so grateful that it exists.
Thank you for sharing the steps along the way - its an inspiration.

gingerandlime said...

Well, shit.

I have been lurking along with you this cycle -- I never feel I have anything meaningful to say about IVF posts, but I have been "here."

I like your commenting idea and I hope all the suggestions have given you a lift.

I'm grateful to have a warm place to hide out during this awful storm we're getting.

And as for indulgences? Sushi. Lots and lots of delicious sushi, chased down with more sake than is good for you.

Mrs. Lemon said...

Well, that blows. Great idea for comments. I am greatful for my IF support group and the online community. Indulgences after BFN: Typically a really great expensive bottle of red wine or champagne served with some lusious illegal in pregnancy/IVF land, soft cheeses and salami. However, twice I have redecorated a room and purchased new furniture.

tishi said...

I am grateful for my family, my house and my hubby of course, but I am also grateful that there is a coffee shop next door that sells nutella latte's. Thats my BFN indulgence, also, there is a water spa in the city that i LOVE..I will do that if I was especially hopeful!

myinfertilitywoes said...

Big, big HUGE (((hugs))) to you!!

I'm grateful for getting back into travel, which WAS my passion before all this ttc...

So, I think you should indulge in a trip away! Even if it's a weekend/long weekend trip... and even if it's not for another month or two. Plan it, have it to look forward to, etc. Or just go this weekend to a B&B somewhere nearby. :)

Massive (((hugs)))

callmemama said...

Sending another big "EFF YOU" to the universe right now :(.
1. I am thankful for my husband and my marriage. Infertility can be killer on a marriage, and I am thankful ours is still strong and getting stronger.
2. I think you should indulge in the richest piece of gooey chocolate cake topped with ice cream and drizzled with chocolate sauce, while you're sipping an espresso or arabic coffee. And maybe top it all off with a shot of Kahlua.

I like the previous commenters suggestions of getting away for the weekend, too. Maybe somewhere warm and relaxing?

Thinking of you...

ventingvagina said...

fuuuuuuuck! gah!

i am most grateful for my husband. he reminds me to keep being me even when i get absorbed in other stuff.

and you should definitely indulge in wine. and maybe a super long spa day. oh, and lots of chocolate. splurge for the good stuff vosges or something. add in a cupcake while you're at it.

(hugs)

So-Called said...

I get a massive ice cream cone b/c it's my favorite. And drink a shitload of red wine. B/c I can :). Big hugs to you. xoxo

lowfatlady said...

I am so sorry. When I get a bfn I cry to get it all out and then snuggle with my husband and kitty. When I feel a little better I eat fattening food, go to one of my favorite restaurants and then do a little retail therapy :)

IF Optimist, then... said...

Heartbroken. Angry. HolyMotherOfWhatTheFuck!

Stupid Universe.

Get thee to Boulevard in SF. Or Ti Couz. Order much appetizers and beverages.

My BFN for my first IUI (I also turned 40 that same time, nice huh?) I went to London for a week.

My BFN for my first IVF I went to LA and hung out with family and friends and hit the beach. Bodysurfing in the warm ocean. Ahhhhhhhhh.

(((((((Hug)))))))))

linda said...

Oh fuck.

BFN Consolation? Drive yourself to Napa and do a weekend of wine tasting, hot tubs, acrobatic sex, and sushi.

Knock out all the "illegal stuff" in one fell swoop.