The Dark Side of IVF (updated)

What is it, you ask? 

Money. Finances.

A couple of months ago as we were planning this cycle, which is 100% out of pocket, my parents said they would help out, as did Mr. Jem's parents.

I brought it up again at the beginning of the cycle and my step-dad said, "Just let us know how much it is, how much you want from us and we'll let you know what we can do."

My mom came to visit on Saturday and said, "Darn. I forgot the check. Call your step-dad on Monday (the day after my ER) to discuss this with him." When I called on Monday, I was really tired, in pain from the ER, from the constipation, and very emotional from worry about what's next, etc. You read that post; you know. That night he said, "Jem, don't worry about it. We want you to relax and concentrate on getting pregnant. Let's talk about this after your first pregnancy test." I reluctantly agreed. 

My nature is to just let things slide. This would have worked fine except yesterday I got a call from my mom. I was so upset by this call that it inspired me to write this email, which I have not yet sent. What to read it?  

Here goes:

Dear Step-dad,

For the sake of clarity, I want to put all of this in an email.

The total cost of our IVF cycle will be $17,360. Mr. Jem's parents have sent us a check for one-third the cost. We had to put the full amount on our Visa card which will be due Feb 1st.

On the weekend of your BIL's memorial service, you sat on our couch and told Mr. Jem and me that you were willing to help us. Months have passed and I have no idea what this means. Not knowing is creating stress and a wall between us. You say I can count on you, but then I get a call today at work from mom dramatically saying she will sell her car and about you not being able to retire if you help... While planning a two-month vacation to Mexico. 

It makes me want to run away and say, "Forget it -  I don't need your help." Please don't make offers you can't or won't or only reluctantly deliver. Don't make me come ask again and again, like for our wedding. It makes me feel like I'm not a priority. It's humiliating. If you want to help, then help. If you don't don't.

I don't want a wedge between us. I just want clarity and peace. I need you to tell me, "Jem, we can give $X." or "Sorry, I thought we could do it, but ..."

I don't want to talk on the phone about this, but I also don't wait until after my first pregnancy test for an answer. I need an answer asap so we can make appropriate financial arrangements. 

More importantly, I also want peace with you and peace of mind so I can concentrate on more important things, like creating a welcoming, healthy, stress-free womb for my babies.

Of course, no answer speaks volumes.

Love, Jem

So, what do you think? Should I send as is? Should I just let it drop and plan on them NOT sending any money, but if they do, that's great? I can dig into my retirement, my savings and make the full payment.

Mr. Jem is upset because they promised something and now it's getting all complicated and weird. He's mad at them for letting me down. They did the same thing seven years ago when we got married. 

It's also complicated by the fact that Mr. Jem is starting his own business right now and my parents are super critical of his not earning money right now.

Arrggggghhhhh!!!!!! I really don't need this shit right now. 

Help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

~Jem

Update: The clinic just called. My transfer will be at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow, Friday, Jan 21. I guess this means that at least one of our embies has made it this far. We're expecting a call from Dr. Z after 5:00 p.m. today with the results of our genetic testing.


I have to remember to keep taking deep breaths.