Wednesday, January 26, 2011

5dp5dt: I give up

As of yesterday I officially give up. I totally surrender. I'm waving the white flag. I don't have any symptoms except sore b00bs, but I've had those since even before stimming as I was on Estr.ace forever.

Last IVF cycle I was sure it was going to work and couldn't believe it was a straight forward BFN. This time I have had a positive outlook until yesterday. I just can't take it any more. I want my life back. I want my brain back, not this thing that has been entirely hijacked by IF, IVF, shots, hormones, you name it. I'm just so tired of it all. I have done all I can. Okay, I kinda messed up my meds (forgot to take my Fol.gard + dexa-whatever one day and then took too much the next - no big deal). Our PIO shots are going really well, which is different from the other times. I haven't used ice, just massage after the shot. My body is accepting this method much better. Oh, and I forgot to tell you all that I am also doing progesterone/estrodiole suppositories vaginally at night. Fun.

I just feel so tired and worn down by this process. As I was walking to my train last night I said to myself, "I give up. I can't even think of this anymore." Then what happened? Some homeless man starts yelling "Vagina!" at the top of his voice over and over. Perfect. I can't escape this, can I? (Actually it made me laugh, which helped.)

Monday is Beta day. I've requested the day off work. I'll draw the blood in the morning and then Mr. Jem and I want to go to the coast and take walks on the beach, maybe go to Golden.Gate park to a museum. In his words, "we need to celebrate the process no matter what the outcome."

I know I would be a basket-case if I tried to work that day.

Looking back at my previous cycles I see that this is the point where I "cry uncle." 

Why is this so g-d damn hard?

~Jem

28 comments:

runnyyolk said...

Aw honey, I'm so sorry. But it's NOT over yet--just because you don't feel symptoms, doesn't mean anything.

I think celebrating the process no matter what the outcome is a wonderful way to look at it. There is still hope, and I'm hoping for you.

-Elphaba

Jill said...

I'm sorry. The fact that it just consumes your life and your thoughts and your feelings and your marriage and your relationships and your plans... and and and... I'm sorry it has to be like that for those of us dealt IF. I so want to hear about a great beta! Go babies go! You can forget and we'll hope for you. BEST of luck!!

Emby said...

I know how you feel. But, don't give up yet! You don't have to think about it until the Beta, but don't give up. I don't know if that make sense. Sending hugs your way! Hoping this is it!

T Lee said...

Just because you don't have any symptoms (which, honestly, I think a lot of us IFers exaggerate the importance of, just to feed our psychosis, lol. Has your RE ever asked you about your brest tenderness? No? Ok then, haha.)- DOES NOT mean that this cycle is a bust!!! Those embies were gorgeous, and it's going to happen! Try not to think about it (good luck... VAGINA!), and enjoy your day. I'll be thinking of you...

Lulu said...

So sorry it's been so hard. I love the story about the homeless guy, though. lol. I hope this cycle surprises you with a BFP.

On a different note, Enjoy golden gate park! I was there last year (I'm from the Midwest). I loved it in CA!

TeeJay said...

VAGINA! Sorry, tried to make you laugh. I'm so sorry that you are feeling defeated. IF sucks the life right out of us. It's not fair to have to endure such things. However, don't let all of your hope go out the window just yet. I've read a couple of blogs where no symptoms were evident and the cycle was a success. Until you know for sure, please don't give up. If you feel you must, we will be here holding onto all the hope we can for you.

Melissa G said...

I'm so sorry Jem. It's been a long ass time since I've had a tww, but I do remember how brutal they are.

I have to say I kind of like what T Lee had to say about symptoms being over-rated and how our Dr's never ask about the status of our boobs, lol.

I think spending the day together is a great plan, and hopefully the weather should still be lovely. (I'm a big fan of the de Young Museum.)

Hugs.

Meg. said...

Keeping the faith for you over here, Jem!

The waiting really is the hardest part. It's exhausting.

I, too, have read many a blog where the woman was 100% positive that a BFN was just around the corner due to lack of symptoms......and then ended up getting their BFP!

Hold tight to Mr. Jem and enjoy your day at the beach!

Mad Hatter said...

HA! Vagina! Love. it.

My verification word says it all and gives me a whole lotta hope that this ain't over yet. Are you ready for it?

babis

Yep. Fingers triple-crossed here on your behalf, my friend.

Love,
Maddy

Marissa said...

You know, I'm right there with you. Just tired of the whole thing. Of course I'm sure I'll be devestated if it doesn't work, but right now I just am sick of taking this, injecting that, inserting this, fretting over that. I've got a cold and I'm worried about my embryos. I forget myself and run up the stairs and worry about the embryos. BLAH BLAH BLAH.

I think this process just wears us down. We can only have the dial at 11 for so long.

Then again, maybe apathy is a symptom???

Circus Princess said...

Sending lots and lots of big hugs!!!

Cherbear said...

awww..I love Mr. Jem' attitude!!

only a few more days, and you'll know. I hope you will be celebrating on Monday!

Sarah said...

The waiting sucks. I am so sorry. Keeping my fingers crossed for Mondays results. I love that you all will be celebrating the day together either way.

Kakunaa said...

I had to take off the day of the test as well. Either way, there was no way I was going to be of any use to anyone that day. The hormones make any and all symptoms useless, including lack of said symptoms. Hang in there, and remember to breathe. Go for walks with Hubby...you live in a great area for distraction :) HUGS.

Illanare said...

I'm so sorry. I know that the waiting is so hard it seems impossible. Thinking of you and sending positive vibes.

Poppet said...

How can you do anything else but cry uncle? It's out of your hands. You've done what you can, now it's out of your hands. The babes will stick and grow, or they won't.

Don't over-read into "symptoms". 99.9999% of people have no idea they are pregnant after a week or two. Some never feel any different. I didn't feel any different for many weeks. Sore boobs? Not for many weeks. Nausea? Not until almost 3 months. Tired - yes, but it was gradual. Certainly not the frist couple of weeks.

Enjoy the Golden Gate Bridge. I haven't seen it since 1989. At least you can walk around a park in sunny CA. Here on the East Coast your mind would be distracted: by the need to shovel the driveway... again!

egghunt said...

Jem, sending you hugs. Its so hard. Everything you've worked so hard for and sacrificed for is resting on this and it would be inhuman of you not to feel the pressure. You want this (and deserve it) so badly. I just read your previous post and have to say that the fact that you know these two little girls are chromosomally perfect is such a great start. You have everything in your favor this time Jem. Holding my breath and hoping for the best.
xx

Krista said...

Oh my goodness! How weird about the vagina man!? I had a good feeling that this cycle worked for you...so I am confident that you'll get your BFP on Monday. I just am. You and DH are going to be celebrating on Monday...so get ready!! Glad you took the day off!!

erika said...

This is one of the hardest procedure I have ever gone through. You are in the middle of the waiting weeks, that is exactly when madness would set in. I hated that day, the worst limbo ever.
I keep all my crossables crossed for you, Girl!
I think it's a great idea to take a day off, and celebrate. you have gone through a lot. In a way, you are a hero to be able to put up with all that. That has to be aknowledged. Hopefully, there will be plenty more to celebrate that day, too!;)
(((HUGS)))

Allison said...

Dearest Jem, Everything I VAGINA! have is VAGINA! crossed for you. I want this so VAGINA! bad for you, it hurts.

(((((HUVAGINA!GS))))))

ventingvagina said...

i didn't have any symptoms at all. and i still don't. hang in there and don't give up hope!

i also had to do the PIO and the supps. SO. MUCH. FUN. :)

and seriously, the guy yelling VAGINA! omg, hilarious.

taking monday off sounds like a good idea to me....so you can celebrate your good news! wishing you lots of luck!

Jessica said...

I like Mr. Jem's theory...celebrate process. Of course I am still keeping my fingers and toes crossed that there is good news to report on Tuesday after the celebrating is done.

One Who Understands said...

Ok the vagina yelling hobo just made my day! HAHAHAHA! Only in the bay!

Don't give up yet. This cycle is it! I can feel it. Those two little girls are in it for the long haul. Hugs and happy thoughts my friend.

lowfatlady said...

This process is hard. But don't give up hope yet. I was CONVINCED I was not pregnant. Barely had any symptoms and none were consistent yet I was.

IF Optimist, then... said...

Perhaps the crazy man was in fact rehearsing his part in the Vagina Monologues? ;-) I don't recall having any symptoms after IVF #2 and then we hit the jackpot. Maybe crying Uncle is OK and you just need to let yourself ease into a place where those little chickies can snuggle in. We would do this this silly thing each night where we would play a different song and dance and sing along before bedtime. Sending lots of hope and love for great results on Monday.

tishi said...

Hang in there sweetie.....I don't know why this process is so hard for us, Its COMPLETELY unfair and I wish it was not how you had to live. IF takes over and controls our lives, but right now concentrate on getting through the next 5 days only, concentrate on the positive beta.....I'm sending you all the hope I have!

b said...

i have a good feeling about this. sending you lots of positive vibes to get you through the next few days. x

Adele said...

I like the idea of celebrating the process, no matter what. I think those are wise words. But I do not think you should count yourself out. Really and truly. There are just too many stories of women who were convinced that they weren't (many of them women who had been here before, and who thought they had a basis for comparison) who end up pregnant. I know there's a chance that it won't work. But there's a chance that it will (and I'm crossing fingers for you).