Wednesday, July 14, 2010

I'm a mom...

Yes, folks, I'm a mom. They just haven't given me my baby yet! 

Small distinction, but one I came to at my therapist on Monday afternoon. Yes, I went back to see my therapist, who I have been seeing since 2000. I haven't seen her too often in the past year, just a couple of times when I need a "tune up" and to "recalibrate" my thinking. She has helped me tremendously over the years.

So, back to this earth-shattering conclusion. I realized I was more upset by my BFN than I had suspected earlier, mostly because of this fact that I feel like I AM a mom, dammit, and someone has stolen my baby from me. IF, specifically. 

I keep asking myself, "WHY!!!!" (sound familiar?) and my old, preconceived notions are no longer right. I used to think I didn't deserve to be a mother because I has so many issues with my own mom (abandonment, neglect, etc. at an early age). Wrong. I am not my mother and I would NEVER abandon my baby to run off to "find myself" (that's code for run off with another man), and I'd definitely never put him/her on a Grey.hound bus to see a divorced parent.

Then I realized my mental block about motherhood had to do with the fact that I thought bringing a baby into the world would mean the end of my marriage. "Babies break up marriages." was the thinking that I unburied from my subconscious. This was a myth I deeply believed because it was what I experienced as a kid. Again, NOT my current experience. My marriage with Mr. Jem is stronger than that. In fact, a baby would be a blessing and something we BOTH want very strongly. We both want to show this incredible world to a little person. We both have so much love and nurturing to give.

Most recently I uncovered the fact that in my head I felt "I don't have enough money and can't "afford" a baby." What? Where did that come from? Perhaps because I grew up with a mother who had a negative relationship with money and was always panicking about it. My reality is that I hold a wonderful, well-paying job that I love. Mr. Jem is starting up his own business and I have supported him through grad school and then a couple of jobs that left him stressed and very unhappy. He is struggling with the business and it is hard. That said, it doesn't mean we can't "afford" a baby. It will just be trickier. He may need to stay home with the baby, which is not the model that I would prefer, but it is what it is.

So, now that I figured out I am a Mom I am supremely depressed. How could IF be doing this to us? Why the hell can't I get and stay pregnant? I'm not just sad, I'm effing mad. Mad, mad, mad.

This is so damn unfair I could spit. We've all ranted and raved on this subject and I'm sure all thought the same thing... crack whores can get knocked up, why not ME?!! Blah, blah, bah. 

Anyways, that's where I am.



Adventures in Baby Waiting said...

I understand Jem. I am sorry because is isn't all. I am also in the process of dealing with my mother and wrote about my first therapy session which was last night. I am glad you have found some answers and some peace regarding your Mom. It's hard, I know.

mekate said...

yes, it sucks ass but such great insight and self-truth-telling and unravelling, and oh man you did a lot of work there- holy crap.
So first-- wow. I am awed.

Most important is a big fat Yes- YES you are a mother waiting for a child. And that self definition is a really powerful one.
So damned IF, making it so hard.
And good for you for being mad-- mad is a different power than sad alone.

sending love and awe,
hot damn,

One Who Understands said...

Oh my gosh Jem! I just had a light bulb moment while reading this post. That totally makes sense. That is why we are so angry. I love this post. We are moms, now give us our babies!

callmemama said...

We've gotten the unwelcome advice for years that "if you plan for the perfect time to have kids, you'll never have kids". Obviously from people who have no idea we've been struggling for most of our married life to get pregnant...
There is no such thing as everything being perfectly in line and being absolutely ready financially, emotionally, but I can definitely identify with your fears, having a similar background myself in some ways (parents' unstable marriage, not have enough money for food in childhood). But, you're right - our marriages are different. They are strong and our husbands are wonderful and caring and will make great fathers.
And yes, you are already a mother...and I'm hoping you get your baby soon.

吳婷婷 said...


Poppet said...

Just to be clear - finances do not a mother make or break. I had dinner tonight with a woman who makes in the ballpark of $35K per year (i.e. what many people spend on a car). She is also the proud mother of 5 children (4 of whom live with her). Without knowing your salary, I am assuming you are in a much higher income bracket. She is providing everything her kids need. So, you have to lose that excuse.

I know 2 stay-at-home Dads. Most women are very jealous of their wives. The women bring home the bacon and the men attend PTO meetings and cart children all over the place. The women don't know the names of the other mothers, but the Dads do. It may not seem ideal, but it turns out it is for these families. Boys get a stronger role model. Daddy is not some aloof businessman, but is checking their homework while me makes dinner and calls other Moms about play dates.

Your time is coming, Jem. Keep the faith! Don't let society (or your own fears - albeit apparently legitimate) define your situation or your path.

mommyinwaiting said...

I'm sure you've read all about the stages of grief and anger I always find the best one, it makes me feel like I am a little in control again and can get the emotions out. You are grieving, grieving the loss and loss of hope for this cycle. Allow yourself that grief and all the emotions that go along with it.

I am sending you strength to turn it into a reality - a Mom with a baby in your arms!

Lavender Luz said...

I get the anger. I'm sorry you're in it, but I'm pretty confident you won't stay there.

I'm really proud of you for your breakthrough, for examining underlying beliefs you have, and consciously choosing to release them.

This is why I have the confidence that things can move for you.

It happened to me.

I am abiding with you, Jem.

bunny said...

Wow, sounds like a bunch of really helpful realizations. I hope they bring you some peace as you work through all this.