Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Doing better...

...until I received an email from the Alumnae magazine from my prestigious, East Coast, liberal arts college asking alumnae news:

"Your classmates would love to hear about you, so please share your news. Photos are welcome too- just be sure to send a caption with everyone's name and class year (if applicable) listed."

Here you go, snooty college - here's my announcement:

"Jem and Mr. Jem have been unable to conceive a baby on their own and attempted IVF this quarter. She produced 26 eggs, and 5 excellent embryos (see picture above). Unfortunately, even though 2 implanted, neither were viable, leaving her and Mr. Jem completely crushed. She's been in contact with dear friends X, Y, and Z, who are all able to conceive (two with some extra medical help). She'd love to hear from other classmates whose hearts have been ripped out by infertility."

Fuck you, college!


On a happier note, I did make an appointment with my therapist, Rose, for Friday. It has helped to be able to vent here in this blog, but this woman has known me since Oct 1999. Rose has been there for me through a job lay-off, cancer (melanoma on my right shoulder), my marriage to Mr. Jem and all the doubts I had about that, Mr. Jem's job lay-offs, me supporting Mr. Jem through school, Mr. Jem's avoidance of TTC, my fears about being a good, deserving mother (see previous post), our TTC naturally, the stark reality of IF. The last time I saw her was right before embarking on TTC with ART.

I love Rose. She's absolutely wonderful. I had a fantasy that the next time I went to see her would be to talk about coping with PG. Yet another fantasy crushed by IF.

Fuck you, IF!



Anonymous said...

oh Jem, sorry this is such a crappy hard time. Its so unfair. I'm glad you've got Rose to talk to, a good therapist is an amazing leveller. I have the same feelings about my counsellor that I saw a while back, and I too thought the next time I saw her would be when I was pregnant. I hope you have a good session with her, look after yourself... please.

K said...

One of my pregnancy visions/hopes for reality is the day I get to sit on the couch and tell my therapist I'm pregnant.

Oh, we had that day alright. Only I sobbed it to her while inhaling my hair from crying so hard out of fear. Not exactly as hoped for.

At least we have them. It helps just knowing you have someone to dump it all on, judgment free.

tishi said...

ohhhh I need to find myself a Rosa! sounds like it would be so great
to have someone to talk to thorough all that you have been though!!!
love your post for the college, will you have to sit and read everyones
updates? that would make me crazy!!! facebook is just about all I can handle these days!

TeeJay said...

I'm glad you have someone you can talk to that has known you for so long. I think it really will help you deal with this. She knows your ins and your outs and that is priceless in a situation like this. Hope it goes well for you.

Melissa G said...

Fuck You IF, indeed.

I'm so glad you are going to see Rose. I am really grateful for therapy right now. This IF stuff kicks my ass, and I just can't deal with it alone. Good for your for recognizing you need help too.


Fertility Chick said...

Raising a great big middle finger salute to IF from here too. Thinking about you - glad that you have someone you can talk things through with.

Poppet said...

The GREATEST IRONY of reading this post is that when returning to the not-so-very recent reunion I felt like a leper (although no one in the above-mentioned PC prestigious, East Coast, liberal arts college would ever use that term) because instead of being a career woman extraordinaire, I was a stay-at-home Mom. I.e. lazy bum who is taking feminism back 25 years at least... the one place where parenting is a bad thing is our alma mater.

We all feel like we have failed in some ways, Jem.

You beat cancer - you can certainly take on IF! Rant away, sistah!

PS Just don't tell your alma mater when you're (ah, finally!) knocked up... they'll ask for their diploma back! Especially when you say you can't donate to the alum assn because you aren't working!) Sorry - my own rant. The message is don't worry about the stuffy alum mag. You're awesome!

Heather said...

I've been thinking about you all day. I'm glad you've got Rose...and your blog. Blogging has helped me immensely. Just knowing I have a place to vent (judgement free) to women who "get it" is huge. I'm glad it's providing you some comfort as well.

Both my alma maters and DH's private high school have been able to find us every. single. place we've lived. UGH! I hate those "look! my life is so great" sections. They are like mini-Christmas letters.

northern lights said...

Fuck you, college, indeed. I have had similar fantasies about writing to said college... in fact, when we decided to quit IF treatments and pursue adoption, I was told that I couldn't post any news until "adoption was finalized"- so I wanted to say that I'd love to hear from other alums who were on the adoption journey- but was told no, no, no. I have had similar fantasies of making up something really crazy & sending that in- so tired of people writing in to brag about "beautiful" child and "loving" husband and "exhausting but rewarding" job.

I started responding your yesterday's Poison post and I'm not sure it went thru- temperamental computer. Anyway, my advice is a little wallowing (un petit peu) didn't hurt anyone. I remember having fantasies about blowing up Babies R US (only if the stores were empty- no fantasies about human casualty, only fantasies about seeing baby Bjorns scorched to bits). I'm not saying that's entirely healthy, but denying that you have the feelings or suppressing them can be equally harmful.

lis said...

also glad for you that you have a rose, i so desperately need to find myself one. fuck college high school and IF...fuck fuck fuckity fuck them all

Anonymous said...

*Joins in waving both extended middle fingers in the general direction of IF*

I'm very glad you have a Rose to talk to.

Mad Hatter said...

Fuck you, IF. I think it's unanimous!
Sorry about the college newsletter - I hardly ever go on Facebook anymore because of all the bellies and baby cheeks!
I hope you have a great session with Rose - she sounds perfect!

Shelli said...

Thanks for visiting my blog. We have much in common... I get the same damn alumnae magazine, and everytime I open it, I feel like a failure. I'm new into therapy (honestly I should have started years ago), looking forward to attempting to focus on anything besides infertility in 2010.

The pictue of your cat made me laugh... looks exactly like one of mine (I have two as well).

Anonymous said...

That is one reason I have planned on staying away from all HS and college reunions. I don't want to show up with "nothing to show for my life". Which is ridiculous, because I have a fabulous husband and a fancy job (even though I hate it - they wouldn't have to know that). But, everyone I know has kids and that is all they want to talk about when they get around other people that have kids. I tend to just stand there and listen or go find the bar. Ugh.
Glad you are getting to see your therapist soon! She sounds fantastic, and I know it will feel good to have someone to pour out your heart too.

Anonymous said...

My college sends me those too. I hate them. And with the exception of my wedding announcement...I have steered clear of them!

I am glad that you are seeing your therapist. It's always good to talk to people who you love and trust when going through hard times.