"Rub dirt on it"

My dear friend H lost her miracle twins a week ago (not her first loss). Please visit her blog and give her a hug. She's feeling very alone right now.

H and I email often. She was there for me earlier this year when my world fell apart. She's a strong, wonderful woman. In our recent emails we have been discussing how we deal with loss, with emotional pain. We both are of the "don't show weakness, bottle things up, emotionally 'rub dirt on it' and move on because that's what is need to survive (until we fall apart later under the strain)" camp.

Only lately have I tried to do things differently, want to do things differently. For example, since I got pregnant my mom has been talking to me about how she's going to move down to California from Oregon to retire so she can be a part of her granddaughter's life, even watch her one day a week. She talked about having Friday or Sunday dinner together as a family, along with her sister, my dear aunt, who also lives in my area. It made me so happy to imagine us being physically and emotionally close. She told me that before my grandma died last year she asked her, "Mamma, what is your one regret in life?" and my dear grandma answered, "The only thing I would do differently would have been to live closer to my granddaughter Jem and watch her grow up." We both cried together about this. My heart was filled with hope and love.

Sunday my mom called and told me she "just couldn't afford to move." Now, this is pure rubbish (I'm being polite). She could if she really wanted to. The truth is my mother has always put herself first. Her international travel, her seminars, her expensive hobbies are all more important. 

When I was three my mother decided to leave my dad, for various and valid reasons, including infidelity, and drug use. Unfortunately, this also meant leaving ME with my dad (who was a good father, as good as a stoned hippie in a Berkeley commune can be) to "find herself," which she did in the arms of another guy. 

A year later she wanted me back, but it meant exposing me to abuse and neglect by her crazy, Vietnam-vet-turned-hippie boyfriend (this was the early 70's). I could go into details, but won't. Let's just say it was bad. Not as bad as it could have been, but still bad. I was often sick, hungry, and punished disproportionally to whatever the little three-year-old me might have done (played with matches, for example).

After a year of that insanity, I went back to live with my dad for two years, but only once she actually saw what a horrible physical threat the boyfriend was and got her life together. 

She then started making better choices, but it was always her world and I just lived in it. The minute I could, I moved away (to college) across the country and then afterwards, across the globe. After many years living abroad I was sick of being a foreigner and moved back to the U.S. in 1998. Since then I've done years of therapy to gain my emotional autonomy, gotten married, etc.

So, on Sunday I just sat there on the phone and listened to her whine about how she wanted to but she really couldn't swing it. All I could say was, "I have to go. Bye!" hung up and then went and cried my eyes out on Mr Jem's shoulder. 

I was holding on to naive hope that my mother would actually really be there for me, for her granddaughter, be able to be with her and take care of her on a regular basis. Well, she's not. And will never really be. She's a good woman in so many ways and has changed quite a bit over the years, but not enough. And I have to accept her the way she is.

But it hurts. 

So, do I just 'rub dirt' on this wound, stay silent and "just move on?" How do I do this differently?

How do you deal with loss? Disappointment? Those emotional boo-boos?

 ~Jem

Enemy territory + Happy Hanukkah!

I actually ventured into one of those baby stores (Buy.Buy.Baby) this weekend. Yes, talk about enemy territory! Actually, it was a pleasant experience. Started a registry. Mostly went to get educated about infant car seats and strollers, and check out the cribs and co-sleepers. I asked for a personal shopper who walked me around the store. She was super helpful. While it was clearly enemy territory, maybe I'm experiencing Stockholm.Syndrome, because I started to feel affection and true affiliation with my kidnappers (the non-IF population and those who cater to them).

 

My mother-in-law is here from Boston and we are taking her to a party tonight for the first night of Hanukkah. I made apple sauce the last two nights. Why two nights? Because I didn't feel I made enough the first time, and in typical obsessive fashion, had to make another batch for a total of 8 lbs of apples! I saved some for us for other nights. The apple sauce came out nice. I love just chopping  up apples (seeds, core, and all), and having them bubble on the stove. I recently bought a food mill, which quickly did the job. I hope to be using the food mill soon to make baby food with (we'll see how long that lasts).
 

~Jem

20w2d: pregnancy update

(Today's post will be all about pregnancy. If you don't feel like reading about that right now, I completely understand. Hope to see you again soon.)

"Something in the water"

Oh, dear G-d, if I hear "there must be something in the water around here" on more time, I'll scream! There are three of us in the office "in a family way" and now all of us are showing and I keep hearing that stupid phrase. I even told one woman who said that, "Um, it doesn't quite work that way... do we need to talk about the birds and the bees?" She had the good grace to blush.

On a much happier note, I spoke yesterday to my HR department and it looks like I can take WAAAYYYY more maternity leave than I originally thought - AND get paid almost the whole time (I've been saving up my vacation days - they should do an episode of hoards on me and my PTO)! We're talking 2 weeks before my due date, and then 18 weeks afterwards for a total of 20 weeks. That's 5 whole months! So, with my April 30th due date, I would go on leave starting April 16 and I won't have to go back to work until after Labor Day, on Sept 4! I'm beyond thrilled! Told my boss today and he seemed supportive.

Mr. Jem is away this weekend for work. In typical Jem fashion I overbooked myself and have had to cancel the sleep-over at my aunt's house for tonight and lunch in a different part of the Bay Area with a friend for tomorrow. I'm going to go home and curl up and watch a movie with my lovely cat Sharky tonight. Still going to a colleague's Holiday party Saturday night, then a brunch with the other now pregnant women from my local resolve group (all 8 of us!!). Then dinner on Sunday with other friends. Busy enough.

Ohhh, Baby is moving around (she must have liked the eclair I ate for dessert!).

~Jem

19w1d: Pregnancy update + new bump pic

(Today's post will be all about pregnancy. If you don't feel like reading about that right now, I completely understand. Hope to see you again soon.)

Mr. Ed?

If I thought the hemorrhoid and heartburn were bad, last night I experienced a whole new level of pain...

At 2 a.m. I was awakened to the worse Charlie Horse I've ever experience. I went from horizontal to vertical with a piercing scream in 2.8 seconds. If I expected a calf rub from Mr. Jem, I was sh*t out of luck. Allegedly I have begun snoring so loud that he couldn't sleep and he wasn't feeling generous. At all. (Ha! Payback for the months of putting up with HIS snoring.)

I was able to massage my leg and fall back asleep, but my calf still hurts this morning. I've left a message with my favorite massage therapist to see if she can help me. Someone suggested upping my magnesium intake. Any other ideas?

~Jem

Hello heartburn!

Not only can I only eat 60% of what I could previously, but now each of my feedings is followed by what feels like a heart attack, painful sensation above my heart, or heartburn.

First hemorrhoids, now this! Oh, fun! (not that I'm complaining!!)

~Jem

18w1d: 1st Baby Bump pic + U/S

As promised, below is my first baby bump picture from week 17, along with a very fuzzy u/s pic. 

18w0d

(Today's post will be all about pregnancy. If you don't feel like reading about that right now, I completely understand. Hope to see you again soon.)

17w0d: Happy ICLW

If this is your first time here, welcome to my humble blog! 

I've been blogging for over two years, and have been TTC for as long with the help of medical science. We were lucky enough to get pregnant with our Hail Mary donor sperm IUI, after 3 fresh IVFs, and 1 FET, using Mr. Jem's. 

I'm 17 weeks pregnant today and am LOVING the second trimester. It's amazing and wonderful in so many ways. Gone is the nausea and fatigue. Gone is a lot of the paranoia and fear that this pregnancy will fail. Okay, gone for today. It helps that I finally broke down and bought a prenatal doppler so I can hear our little baby girl's heart beat. Yes, we did CVS testing in the first trimester (as I'm of advanced maternal age) and wanted to know the baby's gender. 

So, I'm just happy to be pregnant. My skin is amazing. My hair is growing like crazy and is curly and so healthy. Emotionally I'm great too, if not a little reactive. Overall I feel like a million bucks. My pregnancy is going very smoothly and for that I'm very, very grateful.

That's my update. I'll share a baby bump picture next time.

~Jem

16w2d: butterfly kiss?

This morning I felt a pulsing in my lower abdomen, like a heartbeat... hmmm... could this be the "butterfly kiss" of first movement that my OB said to look for?

Suddenly a ray of hope!

Question: for those of you fortunate enough to get this far, what did your baby's first movement feel like?

~Jem

P.S. I didn't find a good picture of butterfly kisses, so I thought I'd leave you with cute bunnies.

16w1d: Paranoia

Good morning. The past week I've been feeling like a million bucks, but today worry set in. I don't have my next OB scan until Wed of next week and I'm feeling paranoid. My belly has popped out in the last week (my hairdresser said I look like I've just had a big meal, but I think it's more than that), but my mind keeps going to a bad place - "What if she's not growing anymore? What if something has gone wrong?"

I started on new prenatals and since then my digestive system has slowed way down. And I've lost my appetite (which is NOT normal for me). I'm having to force myself to eat lunch. I'm just not that hungry. I'm hoping it's because the baby is taking up real estate where my stomach used to be.

I never did buy that doppler... might go buy one today. I need some reassurance.

~Jem.

15w2d: post vacation motivation

Hi,

Wow, it's been quite a long time since I last posted. Since then I have been on a short holiday with my mother and aunt - road trip from the SF Bay Area down to Palm Springs. We stayed at this lovely spa. The weather turned quite cold and stormy one day, but we snuggled up, read, laughed and just enjoyed the company. The trip in the car was a bit long; had to stop every hour for me to get out and walk around and keep the blood flowing. Had some serious round ligament pain when I got back. Luckily I took an extra day off and rested on Monday.

Only pregnancy news: I'm busting out of my pants. Literally. I lost a button yesterday and broke down and bough maternity pants. Very exciting. Makes it very real.

~Jem

13w5d: Annual checkup and scan

Today's scan went well. I didn't get a picture to take home, but I got a good, but brief peak at our little girl. Got to hear her heartbeat (LOVE THAT!) and see her squirming in there. Most prominent feature: her backbone!

Had my pap test and breast exam, too. All my blood work came back normal. 

Next OB scan is scheduled for 4 weeks, Thanksgiving week (that will be 17 weeks). I have already scheduled our 20 week scan at the parinatologist (better u/s machine). I'm looking forward to a more leisurely, detailed view, with measurements.

***

This woman at the office yesterday overheard someone I'm close to say, "Congratulations!" The woman then yelled, "What are you being congratulated for, Jem?" I answered, "I won the lottery." and then distracted her with a question. I didn't feel like spilling the bean, as she's a major gossip. I'll tell her eventually, but not now.

Question: How have you handled indelicate questions?

~Jem

13 weeks - status

(Today's post will be all about pregnancy. If you don't feel like reading about that right now, I completely understand. Hope to see you again soon.)

October IComLeavWe

Welcome new and returner readers!

It's still quite amazing to type: I'm pregnant. 

I'm just 13 weeks and have started telling people at work, and my friends that we are expecting. I'm still a bit in shock and have moments of complete denial about this whole thing. It's joyous and scary all at the same time.

I have a long bullet list explaining our journey (see link above) to walk you through our 3 IVFs and 1 FET. It was only when we resorted to donor sperm and medicated IUI that we find ourselves pregnant. 

When I was in my 20s I used to be very irritated by the "We're pregnant!" thing, but now I totally get it. Only our "we" encompasses a whole bunch of people: me, my husband, the sperm donor, our RE, the IUI coordinator, the on-call RE, the IVF lab, various people who have drawn my blood, then finally our OB and his crew, and a perinatal clinic. So, "We're pregnant!" says it all!

I want to leave you with what I did yesterday with my husband and a dear friend (no, not that! Get your mind out of the gutter!)

We went here and got to see these guys up close:

Did you know a group of giraffes are called a "Tower of Giraffes?"

Question: What have you done or seen lately that took your breath away?

~Jem

12w2d: CVS test results

Waited all day Monday for the preliminary results. Nada. Called up the perinatal clinic: they hadn't gotten them yet.

Tuesday: waited all day for the call. 4:30 rolls around. I'm in the middle of a presentation at work and my phone vibrates - I hand the flip chart pen over to my colleague and dash out of the room.

First thing out of the genetic counselor's mouth: "It's good news! Tests for Trisomy 13, 18, and 21 are all normal. Gender chromosomes are normal, too. Do you want to know what they are?"

Me: "Yes!"

Her: "You have 2 sets of X chromosomes and no Y chromosomes. You are having a girl. Congratulations!"

Me: "Thank you soooooooo much."

Trisomy 13 is a congenital disorder characterized by profound mental retardation, cardiac problems, and multiple deformities. In Trisomy 18 (Edwards syndrome), there is an extra chromosome with the 18th pair.
Trisomy 18 affects all systems of the body and causes distinct facial features. Trisomy 18 occurs in 1 in 3,000 live births. Unfortunately, most babies with Trisomy 18 die before birth, so the actual incidence of the disorder may be higher. Trisomy 18 affects individuals of all ethnic backgrounds.

Trisomy 21:The presence of an extra number 21 chromosome causes the distinctive facial features, physical characteristics and the cognitive impairments seen in people with Down syndrome. While people with Down syndrome have some characteristics in common, it is very important to remember that each person with Down syndrome is an individual with strengths and weaknesses. Never make assumptions about a person’s abilities based on their diagnosis.

 

So, interweb friends, Mr. Jem and I are having a chromosomally healthy girl! 

You know before Mr. Jem. I won't tell him until I get home from work. Off I go!

~Jem

Busy bee!

I have another busy week at work, another group of new hires here for training.  I do promise to post the results of my CVS test, which I should have on Monday. Promise!

~Jem

African fertility statue

I just realized that I promised to tell you the story of the African fertility statue.

My colleague, JB, is younger than me, with two daughters. The other day this statue was on his desk.

It's from Africa and clearly shows a woman with a huge head, earrings, outstretched arms, a necklace, breasts and then an abstract design for her hoo-ha (I think).

He explained that it was given to him when he had his wife were trying to conceive their first child, and it had helped him with their second child, too. He'd given it to a friend (who had a daughter) who was only returning it now.

I just stood there, holding the statue in my hands when he said, "Better be careful, this is pretty strong juju!"

I pretended to be startled, and laughed and set it down (reluctantly). Oh, how I wanted to tell him that it must have already worked on me!

Question: Have you been give or do you have any fertility statues, totems, or other symbols to help you conceive?

~Jem

11w4d: CVS test

We went in to the Perinatologist for genetic counseling (third time is a charm!), followed by a CVS test.

(Warning! U/S pictures below...)

10w6d: to CVS or not to CVS?

I've made an appoint for next Friday to have the CVS test done. Mr. Jem and I are very interested in finding out 100% (okay, closer to 98-99%) if our baby is healthy and viable, not just to test for Down syndrome, but the other Trisomies, too.

We know there's some risk involved with doing CVS and amnio, for that matter. But I'm 41 and really, want to know. For our peace of mind and sanity. We have an appointment at a perinatal lab that does a lot of these procedures, and we're in the SF Bay Area, a major metro area, which makes the chance of something going terribly wrong much lower. But still. 

I'm not really asking for advice, just letting you know where our thoughts are... could evolve before Friday, but it doesn't seem likely.

Oh, and Mr. Jem and I would really like to know baby's gender!

~Jem

P.S. Went into an actual maternity/baby store yesterday, with another pregnant IF friend. It was weird and felt good at the same time. Bought new bras, as I'm literally busting out of mine.

10w5d: Questions for OB (updated)

I have my first OB visit today at 11:30 (Pacific). I already have a list of questions for Dr. L, but want and need your input.

Testing: what's next? CVS test?

Fetal Doppler: okay to buy one?

Vitamins: I'm bringing a bag in with everything I'm taking. Do I need to add back in Vitamin D?

Sinus headaches: anything else I can do?

Sex: is it really OK?

Am I missing any important question to ask? Please help me with anything I might have forgotten!!

~Jem  

10w1d: sinus headache

Wow, it's been over a week since I last posted ... work has been very busy. I had another major training workshop that I led last week. It went really well and I actually got a compliment from the boss. "Jem, you did a great job this week. You deserve some time off." Nice, huh? 

Note: Pregnancy symptoms ahead, so you don't have read unless you want to. I won't be offended.

On the not so fun side, I threw my back out last Sunday (2 trips to the Chiro and I feel better). I actually started reading a pregnancy book - What to Expect - and they said lower back pain is normal post-orgasm, especially in the first trimester. I hope I didn't jinx this pregnancy by reading a pregnancy book.

Plus I've been getting wicked sinus headaches lately - two in the last 4 weeks. These are "I want to stab myself in the head" type headaches. Really bad. I have taken Tyl.enol because the pain was so bad. I bought a humidifier today after work. I plan on using my Neti.pot to clean out my sinus naturally with saline. I also have a really sore throat so much so that I left work early and came home and took a nap. I plan on working from home tomorrow. I have been a bit dizzy and tired.

Not that I'm complaining! Au contraire! I couldn't be happier to be nauseated, tired and dizzy. The sinus thing is less cool. Still not complaining, tho!!!

Can't wait until Thursday - first official OB scan. Yippee! Hopefully we'll have a clear plan of what's next, further testing - CVS, perhaps?

Question: I'm thinking of purchasing a prenatal doppler and need advice. Are there certain brands that you in cyberland can recommend? What have you used and liked?

~Jem

8w4d: happiest day of my life (so far)

As you can tell from the title of this post, our ultrasound this morning went well. The baby measured between 8w3d and 8w5d (exactly where we are). The heartbeat was going strong at 164 beats per minute. I tried to record the sound, but my i.Pod didn't work. The nurse said we'll get a DVD of when the OB sono in 2 weeks.

I've officially graduated from the clinic. (Pinch me, is this really happening???)

Both Mr. Jem and I are over the moon. Excited and a bit stunned that this pregnancy appears to be viable and progressing. I keep bursting in to tears. When the checker at the grocery store asked me how my day was going I said, "Best day ever." And then I had to tell him why. I couldn't keep it in. I know it's too soon to tell people, but I couldn't NOT! Can you blame me!

ICLWelcome!

Is it that time again? Really? Time flies when you don't have a little one to watch grow up and to mark the time. I remember when I was a little girl my grandma said, "When you get older time accelerates until it seems you're having breakfast every 15 minutes." I'm not quite there, but I understand what she said.

I've been at this TTC thing since 2006, but only got doctors involved a couple of years ago. For my full, detailed timeline, check out the tab above titled "The Journey so far" - sorry to be lazy, but to retype the whole thing would take pages!

Tomorrow I have my next ultrasound (at 8 weeks, 4 days). I'm super nervous, as we've never been this far in the process. Plus things are very busy at work. I'm trying so hard (hate that word "try") to keep my stress level down.

Oh, and an update on Mr. Jem's job interview from yesterday. They offered him the position. Now to decide if it's the best thing for our family. The pluses: it's in an industry that Mr. Jem is very passionate about (sports), it's a sales job, which means he can make money. The minuses: it's a start-up, 100% commission and initially no benefits. Does this make sense for him to take? Could he work there for three months and still apply for bigger places with health insurance and other benefits, but from the better position of actually having a job?

I'm really proud of him for getting this offer and I know he feels really good. But is this job the best thing for our (growing) family?

Is a bird in the hand really worth two in the bush?

~Jem

8w2d: brutal wait

I'm feeling all my 41 years today. I'm nauseated and dragging. I wake up at 3:00 am every day and have a hard time falling back to sleep. I just ordered one of those side-sleeper pillows on woot-dot-com - maybe it will help me sleep better.

Thursday can't come fast enough.

Oh, and I had a rough meeting today with my boss. He gave feedback on last week's training boot camp that I set up. I thought it went really well, with some things that could have gone better. Him? He gave zero praise, just what didn't work. Brutal. A couple of weeks ago our department did one of those emotional intelligence self-assessment and my boss's lowest score was empathy - no surprise there. As someone who likes to get praise along side honest, constructive criticism, this is hard. I need that pat on the back. To his credit, my boss has been super understanding with all the IF stuff over the past few years, so I shouldn't complain (but I am!).

Thanks for letting me vent.

Now, on the good news side: Mr. Jem has a job interview today! I'm super proud of him. Plus, I really want to be a SAHM, at least initially. I mostly do not want to feel the full burden of supporting our family on my shoulders.

Along that same theme, Mr. Jem cooked the most wonderful meal last night - steak, baked potato and broccoli. I know this sounds simple, but it's important to know that his mother did EVERYTHING for him growing up and his dad was an amazing cook, but super critical, so this is a huge accomplishment. He even agreed to take cooking classes with my aunt so he can make more than steak, boil pasta and make tuna sandwiches.

Progress, not perfection!

Question: How has your significant other (if you have one, or your main source of support) taken on more as you are doing treatment or (hopefully) gotten pregnant, become a mother?

~Jem

Psychedelic Sock It To Me!

A HUGE thank you to the one who sent me these awesome socks:

Aren't they gorgeous?! They definitely lifted my day!

I don't know who the person was who sent them, but THANK YOU!!

What is "Sock It To Me"? It's the brainchild of Roxy Saucebox over at The Smartness. She's done this before. The idea is to send fun socks (or office supplies) to someone and receive a fun package of the same from someone else! I never buy fun socks for myself, so this was a treat.

The theme for this year was:  
It has been roughly a year and a half since the last SITM Exchange. Reflect on the past 18 or so months – how has support from others, either in the blogosphere or otherwise, helped you? 


Here's what I've been up to:

• Feb 2010: recovered from 2nd ectopic pregnancy (Methotrexate anyone?) from my FET and the passing of my dear grandma and my lovely cat Fluffy (three losses in a row, splendid!)
• Spring and Summer 2010: time off of treatment
• Fall 2010: prepare for IVF #3 with Dr. Z
• Jan 2011: IVF #3 = BFN, no frosties. Total heartbreak. Stop treatment
• Spring 2011: no treatment
• Summer 2011: marriage crisis and begin marriage counseling and rebuilding my marriage
• Aug 2011: Hail Mary donor sperm IUI = BFP! High betas (twins?)
• Sept 2011: First U/S: singleton sighted!! 2nd U/S: heartbeat
• Current: 8w1d pregnant. Next U/S on Thursday. Hoping the little one is sticking around.

It's been a real roller-coaster of a couple of years. I have to thank my Resolve leader for encouraging me (over and over) to go for donor sperm IUI. She helped give me hope when I had given up entirely.

~Jem

7w3d: limbo (again)

Seeing that heartbeat last week lifted a huge weight off me, lifted me out of a

fog I've been in for years now. A fog of longing and frustration. I
just don't want this to end. I'm constantly moving myself back to a
state of "I don't know" because otherwise my imagination takes me to
extremes: day-dreaming about who will be with me for the birth to
certainty that the heartbeat has stopped. Not good.

Otherwise only symptoms are very sore boobs. Very little nausea and
only occasionally. Tiny cramping. No more spotting since week 4/5 (I'm
now in week 7!). My next u/s is next Thur.

Doing well, busy week at work. Great distraction.

~Jem

6w4d: U/S and Heartbeat!!!

During today's ultrasound everything looked much clearer and Mr. Jem and I could see and hear the heartbeat (measured 117 beats per minute)!

I cried (tears of joy) the whole appointment. 

Here's a blurry scan of what we saw:

The nicest thing was the congratulations and hugs from the nurses, the u/s techs, and our favorite our acupuncturist after the appointment. 

So exciting!

Next appointment is in 2 weeks for our 8 week scan. Then we graduate to the OB. I've already made the appointment (I hope I didn't jinx things!!!).

~Jem

6w2d update

It's so bizarre typing those numbers and letters together: 6w2d = 6 weeks, 2 days pregnant.

Spotting has virtually stopped. B00bies still mega-sore. No real nausea yet. I am more tired, but that could just be all the stress. Over the long weekend I took a nap every day. Sunday I slept for 2 whole hours in the afternoon. 

The long weekend was great - it was lovely to see my parents, to eat amazing food - we picked blueberries and then made blueberry pie. We picked fresh corn and had it with dinner that night - THE BEST!

Oh, and we even made Padron Peppers, using a recipe from Rain. Yummy! Thanks again to Rain for this wonderful snack!

What did you do over the long weekend to pamper yourself?

~Jem

5w5d u/s

Good news!

For what the nurse could see, we have one clear yolk sac. No sign of pregnancy elsewhere (whew!).

Brown spotting is normal. All is well. Next u/s in 6 days.

Gotta run to the airport. Wanted to make sure you were updated.

~Jem

U/S tomorrow

The clinic called back. I didn't hear directly from Dr. W, but, given my spotting and cramps, he wants me to come in tomorrow morning for an ultrasound. 

An u/s 4 days early? An u/s so I don't spend the whole long weekend worrying? You bet I'll take it. Yippee!

I wasn't able to take the 11:00 a.m. appointment with Dr. W because Mr. Jem and are flying north to Oregon to visit my parental units at noon tomorrow. A nurse practitioner do the u/s at 8:30.

It will be a relief to know what's going on in there.

Still in "I don't know mode" and keeping zen(-ish)...

~Jem

Perfectly normal

Yesterday, Nurse J called me back right at 5:00 p.m., just as I was packing up to leave work. She said the light spotting is perfectly normal - I had a ton of follicles and the spotting might be from cysts, the fluid retained in the follicles. She also said was that each pregnancy is different and they often hear of spotting.

My regular nurse, the lovely Nurse S will call me back sometime to day to see how I'm doing. This morning the spotting is super light, lighter today than yesterday afternoon when it started. I am still experiencing cramping, tho, which I don't like. It feels more like period cramping, in the middle, as opposed to the twinges I've been feeling on the sides (ovaries?) up until now.

I can't help but worry. Plus work is super stressful, with a huge revision of our training program rolling out on Sept 12 - and it's all on me if it's a success or not. No pressure!

~Jem

Okay, bloggy friends: Please help me NOT freak out. 

This afternoon I noticed some spotting, more like rusty day-before-AF residue. This, accompanied by uterine cramping.

I've already left a message with the nurse at my clinic.

I'm trying to keep calm, not think catalysmic thoughts.

Help!!!

~Jem