I must admit I ignored Mel's post about the What IF Project because I thought I wouldn't have anything to add. Then I saw this video by Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (go view it if you haven't yet. Go now! This blog will wait for you! I promise!) and was moved to write.
Here goes in true "ambivalent womb" style...
What if...
...I get pregnant (again) and actually have a baby? It will mean my entire life will change in ways I can't even imagine. This scares me. Not because I selfishly want to sleep in on weekends, or anything stoopid like that. The fact is I have no idea what my life will look like with a baby in it.
...If I'm like those reality show contestants on The_Bachelor who claim they are looking for true love, but just want to "win" the man/game. What if I just want a baby because I can't have one?
... I abandon my baby, like my own mom did when I was 3? She claims she left because she needed to "find herself" - whatever that means.
...we adopt and the child is the 'bad seed' - I have an adopted cousin who as a teenager set fire to a church. Years later he and his girlfriend ended up OD'ing and dying with their baby in the crib by their bed. Then there was the woman who put her adopted son back on a plane to Russia (click here for more).
...I'd actually be happier living "child-free"
...having a baby would destroy my marriage.
...I'm a bad mom.
...I can't afford / take care of the baby?
and...
What if...
...Our ART efforts fail and I never experience carrying a baby to term?
...I never get to feel the weight of a baby in my arms?
... a child never runs into my arms?
... a child's face never lights up when s/he seems me?
... no one ever calls me "Mom?"
... I never dance at my own child's wedding? or hold a grandchild?
... I die alone?
Oy vey, now I'm depressed....
Jem
Friday, April 30, 2010
More celebrity IVF babies
Work has been crazy, but crazy fun (for the most part). I do have time to keep up with some blogs, and some celebrity news. Just read that Mark McGrath of Sugar_Ray and his wife just had twins with IVF. Here's the article.
I also read that Sarah_Jessica_Parker said was considering more babies, despite having been criticised (?) for having used a surrogate. Criticized? Really?
I'm actually heartened to read about celebrities and their infertility. A couple of months ago People_Magazine had a cover story on Celine_Dion and her struggles to conceive. I think the more light is thrown on IF, the better. Hmmm. Let me amend that... The more (right) light is thrown on IF the better ... Octo_mom and Kate_G don't help the cause much.
On a more personal front, Mr. Jem had a chat with Dr. Johnson yesterday and they conferenced me in by phone so I could be in on the conversation. Dr. J was happy that Mr. Jem's count went up. He left it up to us to continue the Clo.mid, which we won't because of the lowered libido. Mr. Jem will start back up on testosterone gel again in a couple of months, after we do the next cycle, etc. This cycle we'll try on our own. next cycle, back to IVF. Yippee, fun!
That's all for now. Gotta get back to work!
I also read that Sarah_Jessica_Parker said was considering more babies, despite having been criticised (?) for having used a surrogate. Criticized? Really?
I'm actually heartened to read about celebrities and their infertility. A couple of months ago People_Magazine had a cover story on Celine_Dion and her struggles to conceive. I think the more light is thrown on IF, the better. Hmmm. Let me amend that... The more (right) light is thrown on IF the better ... Octo_mom and Kate_G don't help the cause much.
On a more personal front, Mr. Jem had a chat with Dr. Johnson yesterday and they conferenced me in by phone so I could be in on the conversation. Dr. J was happy that Mr. Jem's count went up. He left it up to us to continue the Clo.mid, which we won't because of the lowered libido. Mr. Jem will start back up on testosterone gel again in a couple of months, after we do the next cycle, etc. This cycle we'll try on our own. next cycle, back to IVF. Yippee, fun!
That's all for now. Gotta get back to work!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Domestic Weekend
Let's see....
Mr. Jem pulled his hamstring during a softball game today. I've been helping him ice his leg and feed him and give him TLC all day. Poor guy.
I spent the afternoon gardening. First I weeded the the raised beds, then I planted tomatoes, cukes (lemon cukes), lettuce, and strawberries. I also planted snap dragons and echinacea. Then I mulched and watered them in. I got totally covered in dirt and water - fixing the automatic watering system means me getting drenched - every time. I loved every minute!
I also worked a little this morning. Nothing too major.
How was your weekend? How did you distract yourself from IF issues?
Jem
Mr. Jem pulled his hamstring during a softball game today. I've been helping him ice his leg and feed him and give him TLC all day. Poor guy.
I spent the afternoon gardening. First I weeded the the raised beds, then I planted tomatoes, cukes (lemon cukes), lettuce, and strawberries. I also planted snap dragons and echinacea. Then I mulched and watered them in. I got totally covered in dirt and water - fixing the automatic watering system means me getting drenched - every time. I loved every minute!
I also worked a little this morning. Nothing too major.
How was your weekend? How did you distract yourself from IF issues?
Jem
Friday, April 23, 2010
SA results & planning for IVF #2
Finally got Mr. Jem's SA results. Dr. W called me personally. "The count is up to 250K [from zero] which was enough for us to freeze for the next cycle. No need for a testicular biopsy like last time."
Yippee! I've never been so happy about a crappy SA before! For those of you not blessed with MFIF, anything under 25 million is low. We're not even at the million mark.
Mr. Jem will talk to the urologist, Dr. Johnson (NOT his real name, BTW) about the results and whether he can/should stop taking Clom.id as it's dropped his already low libido down to almost zero.
Oh, and yesterday we dropped by the clinic. We set up our WTF/What's the plan appointment to May 26. As to day is my CD1 (it was only spotting the last two days), I should be starting my Cycle around May 22. He suggested I start with BCPs and get a baseline on CD2, BEFORE the appointment with him. I'm curious to know what change in protocol he might have for us.
While at the clinic we spoke to the on-site acupuncturist. She said they were starting a study that we we qualify for that would mean free acupuncture treatments and herbs during our cycle! Considering we spent over $1,500 in acupuncture alone last year, that's a very good deal.
Am a really gearing up for another cycle? Could it really be? Pinch me!!
Jem
Yippee! I've never been so happy about a crappy SA before! For those of you not blessed with MFIF, anything under 25 million is low. We're not even at the million mark.
Mr. Jem will talk to the urologist, Dr. Johnson (NOT his real name, BTW) about the results and whether he can/should stop taking Clom.id as it's dropped his already low libido down to almost zero.
Oh, and yesterday we dropped by the clinic. We set up our WTF/What's the plan appointment to May 26. As to day is my CD1 (it was only spotting the last two days), I should be starting my Cycle around May 22. He suggested I start with BCPs and get a baseline on CD2, BEFORE the appointment with him. I'm curious to know what change in protocol he might have for us.
While at the clinic we spoke to the on-site acupuncturist. She said they were starting a study that we we qualify for that would mean free acupuncture treatments and herbs during our cycle! Considering we spent over $1,500 in acupuncture alone last year, that's a very good deal.
Am a really gearing up for another cycle? Could it really be? Pinch me!!
Jem
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Happy ICLW
Welcome ICLW'ers,
I'm Jem. I'm 2 weeks away from my 40th birthday. Yes, that freaks me out. I've always planned on being pregnant before 40... hmmm. I did get pregnant (see below)... I guess I should have been specific in my goal-setting -- "I want to be carrying a viable baby by 40." In any case, that dream is dead.
You can see my full IF journey to the right, but, in a nutshell, been TTC for a few years, but only with medical intervention since mid-2009. As we're Male Factor, we jumped directly to IVF, with a fresh cycle in November and frozen cycle in January. Both resulted in a BFP, but one chemical pregnancy, and the other ectopic with a good 6 weeks of drama to "resolve" it. No fun.
Right now we're on a break as my work is super demanding until our sales conference mid-May. I'm finally starting to imagine starting another cycle... in June. I haven't had as much to post about while on a break (sorry, dear readers).
In the meantime, today is CD1, for whatever that's worth. Mr. Jem had a SA yesterday, after being on Clo.mid for 2.5 months. Clom.id has lowered his libido to zero, so we're both anxious to hear how the SA went. Mr. Jem meets with Dr. Johnson, his urologist tomorrow. I'll be sure to update you all.
One last word: I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all the love and support out here in the bloggy world. I love your comments and love your blogs. Thank you!
Jem
I'm Jem. I'm 2 weeks away from my 40th birthday. Yes, that freaks me out. I've always planned on being pregnant before 40... hmmm. I did get pregnant (see below)... I guess I should have been specific in my goal-setting -- "I want to be carrying a viable baby by 40." In any case, that dream is dead.
You can see my full IF journey to the right, but, in a nutshell, been TTC for a few years, but only with medical intervention since mid-2009. As we're Male Factor, we jumped directly to IVF, with a fresh cycle in November and frozen cycle in January. Both resulted in a BFP, but one chemical pregnancy, and the other ectopic with a good 6 weeks of drama to "resolve" it. No fun.
Right now we're on a break as my work is super demanding until our sales conference mid-May. I'm finally starting to imagine starting another cycle... in June. I haven't had as much to post about while on a break (sorry, dear readers).
In the meantime, today is CD1, for whatever that's worth. Mr. Jem had a SA yesterday, after being on Clo.mid for 2.5 months. Clom.id has lowered his libido to zero, so we're both anxious to hear how the SA went. Mr. Jem meets with Dr. Johnson, his urologist tomorrow. I'll be sure to update you all.
One last word: I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all the love and support out here in the bloggy world. I love your comments and love your blogs. Thank you!
Jem
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Poetry
An IRL IF friend shared this poem with me, and I wanted to share it with you. It comes from the "Writer's_Almanac" and is perfect.
Here's the first part of the poem.
... to read more, go here
Got any favorite IF poems to share?
Here's the first part of the poem.
Useful Advice
You're 37? Don't you think that maybe
It's time you settled down and had a baby?
No wine? Does this mean happy news? I knew it!
Hey, are you sure you two know how to do it?
All Dennis has to do is look at me
And I'm knocked up.
Some things aren't meant to be.
It's sad, but try to see this as God's will.
I've heard that sometimes when you take the Pill—
It's time you settled down and had a baby?
No wine? Does this mean happy news? I knew it!
Hey, are you sure you two know how to do it?
All Dennis has to do is look at me
And I'm knocked up.
Some things aren't meant to be.
It's sad, but try to see this as God's will.
I've heard that sometimes when you take the Pill—
... to read more, go here
Got any favorite IF poems to share?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Happy Announcement: New IVF baby
In contrast to my last post, I got very happy news of an IRL friend who just had a baby boy after years of IF (PCOS + MF), including multiple IUIs and 1 IVF.
She's been a real source of support (and commiseration) and I am so happy for her.
And, yes, she already named the boy!
Jem
She's been a real source of support (and commiseration) and I am so happy for her.
And, yes, she already named the boy!
Jem
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Reluctant mother
Back in August 2009 one of my friends reluctantly announced her pregnancy (read this post). Her baby shower ended up being at my house (see this post). Well, on March 21 she had the baby, a little girl. This friend has been in an on-again, off-again relationship with her much older boyfriend - she's 41 and he's 50-something. They are currently living in a loft condo that she owns - we're talking one room with a open bedroom upstairs. During the pregnancy she kept talking about moving, but passively saying, "D (her boyfriend) will figure it out. One day he'll come home and say, 'we're moving to Xxx.'" But that never happened.
To make matters worse, she went into labor 2 weeks early, and didn't have a suitcase packed, or even a car seat to take the little one home. A friend had to go pick one up and bring it to the hospital.
Three weeks have passed and they still have not picked a name for their baby.
This whole scenario blows my mind. I can't imagine being so unprepared. I can't imagine not having a home big enough for a child and creating a space for him and her. I can't imagine not having a name for my baby. It's like if they don't name her, she's not real or not there? W-T-F?!!
On the phone with her yesterday I wanted to say, "Listen, if you don't want this baby, I'll take her!" Of course, I didn't. I just teased her about being sure they'd figure a name out before the kid was enrolled in first grade. But inside my heart was breaking.
Mr. Jem and I already have names picked out. It just makes me cry.
Reactions?
Jem
To make matters worse, she went into labor 2 weeks early, and didn't have a suitcase packed, or even a car seat to take the little one home. A friend had to go pick one up and bring it to the hospital.
Three weeks have passed and they still have not picked a name for their baby.
This whole scenario blows my mind. I can't imagine being so unprepared. I can't imagine not having a home big enough for a child and creating a space for him and her. I can't imagine not having a name for my baby. It's like if they don't name her, she's not real or not there? W-T-F?!!
On the phone with her yesterday I wanted to say, "Listen, if you don't want this baby, I'll take her!" Of course, I didn't. I just teased her about being sure they'd figure a name out before the kid was enrolled in first grade. But inside my heart was breaking.
Mr. Jem and I already have names picked out. It just makes me cry.
Reactions?
Jem
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Mr. Jem is home!
He left last Thursday and it took until about Tuesday for me to start missing him. I was enjoying myself too much with going out, visiting friends, sleeping in, watching what I wanted on TV (no sports on TV for 9 days, except the Red_Sox/Yankee opener on Sunday).
It's nice to have him home. Lot's of cuddling this morning with the two cats.
Jem
It's nice to have him home. Lot's of cuddling this morning with the two cats.
Jem
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
White tiger update
I sent an email to the event guru and she said she'd take my concerns under advisement.
Here is the video clip for magic show entertainment (with white tiger) they are considering:
Tiger
To me it seems very cheesey 80's Vegas.
Jem
Here is the video clip for magic show entertainment (with white tiger) they are considering:
Tiger
To me it seems very cheesey 80's Vegas.
Jem
Monday, April 5, 2010
A white tiger?
Okay, here's a hypothetical sitatuation: Imagine you worked for a fortune 15 company and were on the periphery of the team arranging the annual sales conference. The conference is going to be in Las Vegas this year. The events guru just came up with entertainment for the Awards Banquet: a white tiger! A real one.
How many of you find this objectionable?
Jem
Friday, April 2, 2010
My first Deva_Cut
It's rainy and gloomy here in San Francisco. But my spirits are high because I got my first Deva_Cut at a local salon.
I went from frizzy and no shape...
to this:
It's a bit hard to see, but my curls are all well-defined and pretty and the shape is much better. I love it!
Wanna know more about curly girl cuts? Check out this site: Deva Curl and this one: NaturallyCurly.com - check out their great forum of curlies talking waves and curls.
Jem
I went from frizzy and no shape...
to this:
It's a bit hard to see, but my curls are all well-defined and pretty and the shape is much better. I love it!
Wanna know more about curly girl cuts? Check out this site: Deva Curl and this one: NaturallyCurly.com - check out their great forum of curlies talking waves and curls.
Jem
Thursday, April 1, 2010
All the Single_Ladies...
Mr. Jem is off to Boston to see his family - dad is coming back home after a long stay in the hospital after a heart attack. Mr. Jem will be back home on the 9th, so I'm on my own until then. I'll miss him, and will enjoy the alone time. Just me and the cats!
Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from a country western song, "how can I miss you if you never go away?"
Jem
Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from a country western song, "how can I miss you if you never go away?"
Jem
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