I must admit I ignored Mel's post about the What IF Project because I thought I wouldn't have anything to add. Then I saw this video by Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (go view it if you haven't yet. Go now! This blog will wait for you! I promise!) and was moved to write.
Here goes in true "ambivalent womb" style...
...I get pregnant (again) and actually have a baby? It will mean my entire life will change in ways I can't even imagine. This scares me. Not because I selfishly want to sleep in on weekends, or anything stoopid like that. The fact is I have no idea what my life will look like with a baby in it.
...If I'm like those reality show contestants on The_Bachelor who claim they are looking for true love, but just want to "win" the man/game. What if I just want a baby because I can't have one?
... I abandon my baby, like my own mom did when I was 3? She claims she left because she needed to "find herself" - whatever that means.
...we adopt and the child is the 'bad seed' - I have an adopted cousin who as a teenager set fire to a church. Years later he and his girlfriend ended up OD'ing and dying with their baby in the crib by their bed. Then there was the woman who put her adopted son back on a plane to Russia (click here for more).
...I'd actually be happier living "child-free"
...having a baby would destroy my marriage.
...I'm a bad mom.
...I can't afford / take care of the baby?
...Our ART efforts fail and I never experience carrying a baby to term?
...I never get to feel the weight of a baby in my arms?
... a child never runs into my arms?
... a child's face never lights up when s/he seems me?
... no one ever calls me "Mom?"
... I never dance at my own child's wedding? or hold a grandchild?
... I die alone?
Oy vey, now I'm depressed....