I must admit I ignored Mel's post about the What IF Project because I thought I wouldn't have anything to add. Then I saw this video by Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (go view it if you haven't yet. Go now! This blog will wait for you! I promise!) and was moved to write.
Here goes in true "ambivalent womb" style...
What if...
...I get pregnant (again) and actually have a baby? It will mean my entire life will change in ways I can't even imagine. This scares me. Not because I selfishly want to sleep in on weekends, or anything stoopid like that. The fact is I have no idea what my life will look like with a baby in it.
...If I'm like those reality show contestants on The_Bachelor who claim they are looking for true love, but just want to "win" the man/game. What if I just want a baby because I can't have one?
... I abandon my baby, like my own mom did when I was 3? She claims she left because she needed to "find herself" - whatever that means.
...we adopt and the child is the 'bad seed' - I have an adopted cousin who as a teenager set fire to a church. Years later he and his girlfriend ended up OD'ing and dying with their baby in the crib by their bed. Then there was the woman who put her adopted son back on a plane to Russia (click here for more).
...I'd actually be happier living "child-free"
...having a baby would destroy my marriage.
...I'm a bad mom.
...I can't afford / take care of the baby?
and...
What if...
...Our ART efforts fail and I never experience carrying a baby to term?
...I never get to feel the weight of a baby in my arms?
... a child never runs into my arms?
... a child's face never lights up when s/he seems me?
... no one ever calls me "Mom?"
... I never dance at my own child's wedding? or hold a grandchild?
... I die alone?
Oy vey, now I'm depressed....
Jem
6 comments:
jem - you're supposed to turn the end into a positive so that you don't feel depressed at the end :)
very well put, all of it. i feel this way about many of the things you wrote...
how about you end it with what if...
... i'm ecstatic with a baby
... our baby becomes the love of our lives
... etc
Now I can't stop crying. I feel all these things. I worry so much about treatment not working, but I also worry about it working. Thank you for posting. Thank you so much.
Jem, thanks so much for sharing this one with us. It sounds a lot like my crazy brain on some days. The one I relate to the most is the "what IF I only want a baby because I can't have one" that scares the living daylights out of me. And in fact I am now inspired to get on the What IF bandwagon too.
This whole IF things sucks and I just wish I could turn all our crazy brains off (I'll leave the good stuff running) so we stop obsessing over what 'terrible' parents we think we might become. I firmly believe that when you worry that much about being a good parent you will almost certainly make an excellent one! Hang in there and hope for better days.
Someone left this on my blog, but meant it for your blog. It was sent anonymously. I don't know this person... but I feel as though I do.
Dear Jem,
My heart aches for you and Mr. Jem.
We battled IF for 6 yrs (4 w medical help) before conceiving our 1st child. Almost 7 years later, after more meds, a miscarriage, and a different quest, we adopted (domestically) our 2nd child. For us, it was worth it. Other friends are happily childless.
You do have choices and they aren't easy. Only you and your spouse know what is best for you.
Sometimes taking a break is helpful. After our miss, we found the 1st section of "Adopting After Infertility" helpful in reflecting on and discussing our desire to be parents and our loss w IF. Prayer was an important part of our choices, too.
So I said a prayer for you. My best wishes go with you in your journey.
Peace,
a BridgewaterNJ IF Mom
Thanks so much for posting this and voicing your fears - I'd never heard anyone else actually state their fear that maybe the only reason they really want a baby so badly is because they can't have one. I have wondered that myself, on occasion, so it's nice to hear that others have those thoughts. Sometimes I wonder if it's become more about wanting to "win the game" than actually about really wanting to have a child. But, then like you, I have all those other worries, too, about how my life is going to be if I never do have a child.
These were so on target for me. I wonder all these things myself quite often, even down to the abandonment, (my grandmother walked out on her kids), and I don't vocalize them. I believe sometimes we get so caught up in the fight for infertility, there's a point of no return where you don't want people to know that you may NOT be the might infertile badass. Thanks for this, honestly.
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