Sunday, April 11, 2010

Reluctant mother

Back in August 2009 one of my friends reluctantly announced her pregnancy (read this post). Her baby shower ended up being at my house (see this post). Well, on March 21 she had the baby, a little girl. This friend has been in an on-again, off-again relationship with her much older boyfriend - she's 41 and he's 50-something. They are currently living in a loft condo that she owns - we're talking one room with a open bedroom upstairs. During the pregnancy she kept talking about moving, but passively saying, "D (her boyfriend) will figure it out. One day he'll come home and say, 'we're moving to Xxx.'" But that never happened.

To make matters worse, she went into labor 2 weeks early, and didn't have a suitcase packed, or even a car seat to take the little one home. A friend had to go pick one up and bring it to the hospital.

Three weeks have passed and they still have not picked a name for their baby.

This whole scenario blows my mind. I can't imagine being so unprepared. I can't imagine not having a home big enough for a child and creating a space for him and her. I can't imagine not having a name for my baby. It's like if they don't name her, she's not real or not there? W-T-F?!!

On the phone with her yesterday I wanted to say, "Listen, if you don't want this baby, I'll take her!" Of course, I didn't. I just teased her about being sure they'd figure a name out before the kid was enrolled in first grade. But inside my heart was breaking.

Mr. Jem and I already have names picked out. It just makes me cry.




Anonymous said...

That's just sad. How can you have a child and not have a name for it after 3 weeks? It makes me so sad. DH and I have names picked out too.

Anonymous said...

Sorry that you have to go through that. It sucks that you have to watch things like that. It takes all kinds though, I guess. Probably best to deal with it with humor like you did.

Heather said...

Hmm...that is strange. It almost sounds like she had PPD before giving birth. I imagine she's working pretty hard to deny something as obvious as a tiny crying, hungry, wet, tired, etc. baby though. She must be related to my MIL who can deny even the most obvious of things...

Pie said...

De-nial ain't just a river in Egypt. It's also about not naming your child you may or may not have regrets about, with a guy you're not too sure about either.

It is sad. I hope she begins to bond with her daughter, for her daughter's sake, at least. And I'm sorry you have to witness it, it again makes me question the rhyme and reason of the world. Some what it so badly, and get nothing, and other aren't so sure and get it before they are ready. Ugh.

Poppet said...

Hi Jem - I have a friend who waited until the Baptism to decide on a name (and only because the church said they couldn't baptize him until they figured it out).

I think this has more to do with her relationship to the Dad than her relationship to the baby!

I think it's more about insecurity than anything else. She isn't sure their Mom-Dad relationship is going to stick and she's afraid she'll pick the wrong name. Picking a name is a lot of responsibility! WE COULDN'T AGREE on names - had C been a boy we were in big trouble because we didn't have a single name we BOTH liked enough to give our baby!

And - not enough space is all very relative - many people live in extraordinarily small spaces with large families.

C said...

Sounds like a very sad situation, particularly for the baby, whose parents clearly aren't ready to parent her. I'm so very sorry that you have to watch all of this. I completely understand your desire to take her. I'd feel the same way.


Trinity said...

In my heart I know and understand that some folks find themselves in situations with babies that, for whatever reason, they're less than enthused to be in.

But then there's me this parallel universe (along with you and your other readers) where NOT being happy with a baby feels like a totally foreign concept.

Life is so crazy!

TeeJay said...

That's just not something I can't fathom. How do you not pick a name for your child? How do you not buy a car seat? How do you still reside in a tiny little condo with no room for a baby? I can't imagine taking things so lightly. Unreal.

northern lights said...

Heartbreaking. Also tore at my heart to read about the US adoptive mom who put her 7 yo adopted son back on the plane to Russia to "send him back." It takes more paperwork to own a pet... sometimes it doesn't seem right to me that those who most deserve kids have the hardest time having them. Maybe slightly off-topic, but I still remember sticking by the saying of one of the Dixie Chicks-"a child is not a given, it's a gift" (she said this after several years of infertility treatments).

You are a good friend- to us all and to "WTF" mom and dad. I hope the cosmos sees fit to bless you soon.

Anonymous said...

I can understand the condo thing - really, babies don't need that much space at first...but the rest of it? Poor baby with no name. Doesn't she talk to her baby? Doesn't she want to whisper her name when she's trying to comfort her? That to me is very, very strange. And sad.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Just came across your blog... Wow this would be tough for me to handle. Especially when people like us have had names picked out forever. It's always hardest for us with these accidental pregnancies...


WiseGuy said...

This is what exactly makes all this so unfair.

I have a spare bedroom, and the names all picked out.

I even think of what school I will enroll them in.

I am sorry that your friend has no idea about what to do with her blessing.