Thursday, December 10, 2009

Friend's baby bump

Tuesday night we celebrated my friend's birthday at a restaurant. My friend L is 4 or 5 months pregnant. There's the post that describes how she announced here pregnancy.

What was sad was that she didn't want to show her baby bump or talk about her pregnancy. Every time the subject came up she would look down at her lap as she answered the question. And then change the subject.

She's 41 and it was an "oops" pregnancy with a man she's been on again off again with.

How unfair is this situation. L sat on the other side of the table, clearly tired, uncomfortable (physically and emotionally). Mr. Jem and I sat at the other side of the table. She clearly didn't want to be pregnant. I would give my right eye to be (not literally).

If I had been in her shoes (or better yet, me and PG), I would be beaming with joy. I'd be one of those obnoxious PG women who let friends (only) touch their bellies. I'd be showing off the baby bump with cute maternity wear (never mind that I look like I have a tiny baby bump with my IVF fat).

None of our local friends know we did IVF or that we're preparing for our FET. We plan on keeping it that way until we can announce some happy news.



freshfreerange said...

Wow, that's really sad for her. But maybe once she has the baby she'll fall in love with it and be happy she had it. It's really hard to see people getting pregnant "by mistake" isn't it?! I mean, really! Anyway, you can't control others' feelings, only your own. I had a hard time getting over how friends - who knew we were doing IVF - announced their pregnancies. And the timing too... when they waited 3 months I felt cheated in a way. The really great thing is that you have made a decision on going forward, and you have a good chance it will work, so stay positive for yourself and think happy pregnant thoughts for the rest of the month!

babyhopes said...

My husband and I have a few friends who are pregnant, and they all seem to want to hide their bumps too! I don't get it. I told D that I'm going to wear super tight shirts to show mine off all the time (hoping that IVF will work for us in January!).

I think you may be on to something though. I think women who deal with infertility before finally getting pregnant probably are the most obnoxious pregnant women ever.

Rain Child said...

How sad that she's not proud to be pregnant. It's amazing how life throws curveballs at us...people get pregnant who don't want to be and those of us who do...can't.

Lin said...

You're right...totally unfair. I really struggle with the "inequality" of pregnancy these days! So sorry you had to go through that!

misterivf said...

I have some friends who got pregnant accidently and all the way through the pregnancy hated it and lined it up for adoption until 8 months when the mom to be said "we're keeping it" and my mate says "we talked about this, we knew the hormones would kick in, keep the faith". She stuck to her guns and they kept my god daughter. The really hated what she (my god daughter) did to their lives. My mate was on anti depression meds, the works. Ugly situation. Then guess what, they get pregnant again (another acccident - hello?) and it all kicks into place for them and they accept parenthood. I was single then, but can see how that just blows you away when in the IVF zone. When this mate found out about "our troubles" he found it pretty hard to look me in the eye and ended up saying "funny world hey?"

Priscilla said...

Oh thats a tough one!!! Hang in there!! Hoping this upcoming FET is it and then you'll grow that Baby Bump that you want so much!!!!!!

ifcrossroads said...

That is so totally unfair and I can understand why you were frustruated. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.
Seding lots of luck and love for your FET and with hopes that you'll be sporting super-cute summer maternity wear that allows you to sport your bump!

Poppet said...

Just a thought, and I haven't read the other comments, but here's my 2c on the topic.

I am guessing (and I can only guess) that she is feeling guilty and it may or may not have anything to do with you.

Option 1: Maybe she is guessing that you wish you were in her shoes since you guys are of a certain age and haven't had kids. She is probably embarrassed about having an oops kid. Or she sees you as an anti-pregnancy career woman since you're not out as a TTC chica.

Option 2: One of my friends has had 2 oops kids after two planned kids... (and she is a nurse so she knows how babies are made) when she told me, she cried because she felt so conflicted. (And her father actually reamed out her husband for being so irresponsible!) Economically it would be hard and exhausting for them. She had at the time a 1st grader and a third grader plus a baby less than 18 months old. She worked full time and her husband has a stressful job with a 1-1.5 hour commute - thanks to the economy he is commuting even FARTHER now!!! Anyway, she felt so conflicted and horrified, but at the same time was not able/willing/whatever to do any of the other "options".

We women beat ourselves up about so many things. Maybe she didn't want to talk about her situation because she was so conflicted, embarrassed. Maybe she was experiencing mourning sickness and was trying to keep from puking. Maybe she wanted an evening out without having to think about it - and hoped that you guys who don't have kids about could talk about something else.

Try not to take it personally... I am sure it wasn't meant to be.

BTW - Wait til you see what super-cute maternity wear costs!!! :-) You'll be sporting Mr. Jem's sweats outside of the workplace instead and saving money for baby clothes! :-)