Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Apology to Fertiles

This goes out to any (fertile) friends who read this post who may have been offended by my Christmas card rant.

My excuse: I was very premenstrual and pissed off by my lack of kids in my life.

The truth: I'd love to send out cards with pics of my progeny. Period. I'm a jealous bitch. So sue me!

More truth: Those of us suffering from infertility are super sensitive. We're like that super PC female friend in college that didn't like to be referred to as a Freshman and always corrected other people when they called the elite single-sex institution we attended a "girls school" ("It's a women's college!"). Just be aware that we're going through a total sh*t time of this. Think eggshells, folk. Eggshells. Sorry. It's just the way it is.

Last word: I love you all, whether you have children or not. Keep the cards coming. I truly didn't mean to offend anyone.


P.S. I do stand by my wish that you all would actually sign cards. But who am I to complain. I didn't send out cards this year. Maybe I'll send New Years cards, like they do in France. Love that tradition.


Willow said...

I was telling my shrink (who I see exclusively for IF issues) at our last session about how my BFF hurt my feelings by blithely announcing her unmarried sister's accidental pregnancy and didn't understand why that might be hard to hear when we've been trying so hard for 3.5 years. My therapist pointed out that there's not much anyone can ever say to me about pregnancy without upsetting me. And it's true...eggshells. But also, I do wish the fertiles in our lives could try to be more sensitive to our plight!

Mrs. Gamgee said...

I understand the sensitivity... some days are worse than others. Little things can set me off.

And really, your feelings are yours, and nothing to apologize for.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL said...

Here from ICLW...

I second Mrs. Gamgee---you don't have to apologize for your feelings. You are entitled to feel ANYthing!

Best of luck to you and DH with your FET!

Priscilla said...

Egg Shells indeed!!! It's so hard not to take the little things to heart....they'll never understand us. It takes an infertile to know an infertile!!! Thank God for this IF community!

Fingers crossed for your upcoming FET!! xx

Melissa G said...

AMEN - to every single word in this post.

Just sending some local blogger love. Sorry to hear about your last cycle.

K said...

I attended a "women's college" as well. :)

tishi said...


I just read your blog for the first time!
love this post, I don't understand why people DON'T understand that
they should walk on eggshells around us....its not like we would go prancing around our unemployed friends showing them our paycheque..its just #%$%$ common sense!

Anywhoo, I will follow your blog, I'm interested to see how the next transfer goes. We too have MF infertility which (as it seems) will be sending us to IVF as well.

AnxiousMummyto3 said...

Hey there
A fellow ICLW'er here...although my situation is a bit different I still know exactly where you're coming from. I like your "freshman" example. Hoping for some good news on your next cycle.
XX Rosie

TeeJay said...

We can't help but feel sensitive. IF is something we suffer from, not something we choose. It's like an illness and when people "flaunt" their "wellness (fertility)" in front of us it's like a slap in the face. Ha Ha...look what I have that you don't!!! Ok, so maybe they don't mean it like that. Maybe they are just happy to have kids and want to show them off to everyone...it's such a thin line to walk with us, isn't it? One minute we are so happy to see a baby or a child and the next we want to scratch someone's eyes out because they are pregnant and we are NOT...yet. Anyway, just want you to know that I know where you are coming from and yes it's hard to be IF and we do have very touchy emotions.

Glad AF is here so you can get your FET underway! I'm feeling pretty good about this. Murgdan got a BFP with her FET so keep the hope alive!

Eileen said...

I HATE getting mass produced Costco Christmas cards with no signatures. They couldn't take 2 seconds to sign their names for God's sake. Uggghhhhhhhh. Good luck with the FET. I will keep everything crossed for you!


C said...

Christmas cards, the holidays, all of it, is so tough. This is a very child centered time of year and it's hard for those of us on the other side. I don't think you owe anyone an apology, but I understand why you did it.


Lu said...

That's why a good infertile friend calls these the hellidays. My biggest complaint is cards with ONLY children. I'm not friends with the kids, I'm friends with the adults and that's who I'd like to see a photo of, thank you very much.

Hope the FET goes well!

egghunt said...

Its nice of you to apologise (but for the record I agree totally with your original post) but I wonder how many times fertiles have apologised to you for being unintentionally insensitive? True, they can't always know what our mood is like and exactly how we are going to react to topics involving children, but still if they've hurt you then they should apologise just as much as you feel you should for that post.
And I completely agree with Lu above saying that we are friends with the parents not the children so i'd rather get a photo of the mum and dad then some cute little brats!!
Merry Christmas xxx

Al said...

I agree with the Christmas card rant! Two fellow bloggers got christmas cards with ultrasound photos announcing pregnancies...THAT would piss me off and upset me beyond belief. It is so insensitive.

Hope you have a merry christmas!


Emma said...

Hey there,

I'm just another ICLWer, but here's my two cents worth - if you don't write what you feel on your blog, if you don't spill it all here, where else...? Where will you have the chance to unload it all? No apologies necessary, girl.


Poppet said...

Dear Jem -
As the blog's seemingly lone parent who is guilty of sending out holiday cards (some signed, some not, but note "my old Aunties" on the list always get signed cards, with a note as well).

You are right - parents are an unusually insensitive bunch.

Having sent cards to IF friends for several years, this is the first year I realized it was an issue.

Thank you for reminding me that I need to be sensitive. I promise you though, that most parents aren't sending these cards to be bragging or throwing something in your face.

I do it out of tradition - maybe also out of obligation. And out of love.