January IComLeavWe

Welcome ICLW'ers!

I'm Jem. Supposedly Male Factor, but given our IVF with ICSI - 2 great embies transferred fresh and 3 transferred later after being frozen - that resulted in two chemical pregnancies, I can't point my finger at Mr. Jem as the only one with reproductive trouble. It definitely takes two to tango, plus a whole team of medical specialist, apparently!

The FET chemical pregnancy is still very recent (see Monday's post) and I'm still very raw about this, disillusioned with the whole process. Still working through the pain. That's what this blogging thing is all about. Having a safe place to share IF joys and pains with those who understand.

Very glad you stopped by!

***

Working from home today. Having lower GI issues. Yuck.

To add insult to injury, I'm staring at a line of medical bills, mostly for Mr. Jem's testicular biopsy. Double yuck. Talk about "Kick you when you are down!"

My brain and heart are still a bit numb. My IVF nurse called today to see how I was doing and to schedule a third beta for next Monday to make sure I'm back down to zero. Gee thanks!

Still waiting to bleed.

Jem

Beta #2

Dr. W called while I was at Whole Paycheck. Not good news, to quote him. My HCG went down to 17. I'm to stop all meds.

I'm sure I could have been pulled over during my drive home for driving under the influence of tears. Not a pretty sight.

Fuck. Game over, again.

Can't even think about next steps right now, just want to curl in a ball and cry.

Jem

FET Beta #1

Dr. W just called with beta test results: HCG = 18.

So I'm pregnant, but we're not sure the one embryo that implanted is going to hang in there. Dr. W said that frozen embryos give out lower HCG at this point.

I test again Monday morning. Beta #2 has to be 35 or better.

Disappointed my number is so low. It's hard to hang on to hope.

More waiting. Good g-d. When will this roller coaster end?

Jem

My last nerve

Despite the title of this post, things are looking up in the Jem household. Yesterday my IVF nurse re-drew my circles for my PIO IM injections. Our clinic is very "in the box" and was not willing to give me other options, so I'll continue doing the shots for as long as possible AND I'm going to like it, dammit! When I described my back-side pain problem to my acupuncturist, she said, "It sounds like the injections were too close to your sciatic nerve. That's why it was so painful!"

That makes perfect sense. Now that the circles are closer to the side of my body, rather than closer to my spine, things are going much better. Injection last night didn't hurt a bit. Maybe this is just because it's going into new real estate. Who cares. It didn't hurt. I also iced less (only 5 minutes) and then followed the injection with 15 min with the heating pad. No, Poppet, hot baths are verboten for us PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise) or PG (pregnant) gals.

Acupuncture was blissful last night. It felt like I was floating. Again, she said I had a good strong pulse, right on target for being PG, but not strong enough for triplets (whew!). As we transferred three embies, I did have some anxiety about this. The first couple of days after transfer I was convinced I was having multiples, given all the twitching and stretching was going on in my nether regions at that time.

I woke up this morning and did a body scan relaxation exercise and feel terrific today. Only symptoms: occasional warm pressure down there close to where my legs meet my torso, sore boobies (only with direct pressure, like if my 20 lb cat Fluffy jumps on me when I'm on the couch!). I still have some sciatic pain on the left cheek and tenderness if I palpate the old injection site, but it's much less than a couple of days ago. No more crying.

Thanks to all of you who wrote with support and ideas. I'm doing much, much better today physically and mentally. I'm in this zen space. I'm fine with the wait until tomorrow's beta. It just means that the little one(s) growing in side me will be that much more ready. Like I wrote in response to Kate's post about battling urgency, instead of "hurry up and wait" my new motto is, "No hurry, No wait." I choose to be in the moment and just let what happens tomorrow happen.

I cried... (updated)

I cried last night after my injection. My derriere is so sensitive that even after being iced, Mr. Jem's sleeve against my bare bottom hurt, not to mention the actual shot and removal of said needle, which seems to hurt as much as the entrance.

BTW, we've discovered that it IS possible to ice for too long. Tuesday night was such one night. The oil didn't want to go into my body and there was a jet of blood after Mr. Jem removed the needle and before he could get the gauze pad from the table next to us (he now keeps the gauze closer AND we don't ice for as long).

Okay, I'm a pretty tough broad, but this is ridiculous. I feel like such a wimp. I should be able to take this. Actually, I can take this, pain and all. Because it's all about the end result. It doesn't hurt if I don't move. Walking sends shoots of pain down my ass, like there's a huge needle still in there.

Going in today at 5:00 p.m. (Pacific) to have Nurse IVF re-draw circles for my injection points. She wasn't the one to do it initially. Instead it was a novice nurse who kept prodding me and drawing and re-drawing the sites.

More acupuncture tonight. Hopefully it will help relax me.

My certitude of a positive result is slowly being eroded. I keep taking deep breaths and sending positive thoughts down there and throughout my body.

Saturday, damn you, where are you??!!

Jem

Update: In addition to the nightly PIO shots, I am doing Pro.metrium (spelling?) suppositories twice a day. Plus estrogen orally three times a day and once vaginally at night. We have ALL the bases covered!

More symptoms

My back is killing me! I think it's a combination of PIO shots (needle spot AND area below hurt - I think the progesterone is building up), plus cramps of some sort (searing hot pain on either side of my lower abdomen. Fun!). When I'm PMSing I regularly get lower back pain.

Had to take acetaminophen last night so I could be halfway comfortable. I was not a happy camper.

Oh, and the b00bies are tender.

All in all, yesterday was not a fun day, physically. I was dead tired from a full day at work, plus I'm taking a voice over class Tuesday evenings, so from 6:30 - 10:00 I had to be "on." The class was super fun and I love it, so that helped. Why a VO class? I do it for work (I create training) and would love to have a business of my own when the babies come.

I don't want to bitch about my symptoms (which are much better in the morning), because they are much stronger than the fresh cycle (from what I can remember - I was soooooooo overstimulated then), and I'm doing everything possible to keep optimistic about this cycle.

Jem

New symptoms

Lower tummy fine most of the day, but a little crampy at the end of the day, especially after acupuncture last night. BTW, acupuncturist said my pulses were right on track for a positive, whatever that means. I'll take it!

Yesterday and today's main symptom: pain in the rear. I believe my @ss is finally protesting from being iced down and having nasty needs sticking in it each night as progesterone is forced into it. It's my derriere's way of saying, "Enough!" Can't rightly blame it. Had to have a little talk to it, "Please cooperate! Hang in there. It's for a good cause! It will be worth it, I promise!"

***

My optimism for this cycle continues. Each time my brain strays near the brink of that chasm of doom that is the possibility of a BFN, a part of me yanks it back with a solid, "It's working this time."

I just hope we don't have a "I told you so!" moment with that negative side of my brain. Even entertaining that idea freaks me out and I jolt back to happy feelings.

And calm.

***

Saturday's beta can't come soon enough. Loved Tracey's comment yesterday about her mom's wishes: "She said she wished they could induce a coma on her so that she could just be woken up after the results were in!"

Amen, sistah!

Pop_Rocks gone

Monday morning: symptoms have died down to almost zero. Yes, on Friday it felt like I had Pop_Rocks (yes, I'm a child of the 70s!) going crazy underneath my lower abs! Now, almost nothing - the occasional twinge on the right side.

I'm back to work, after almost three weeks off. I'm actually happy to be back in the office, back to my routine. I woke early this morning before my alarm clock, spent 20 minutes doing meditation/relaxation. What a great way to start the day!

Saturday's beta seems like ages from now. As much as I want to know what's really going on, there's NO WAY I will be POAS! I don't want to relive last month's fiasco.

Jem

3dp6dt (FET) - Implantation?

I feel fantastic. I have been resting, with Mr. Jem taking care of everything. I feel like a princess!

Dr. W said that implantation should happen the first 24 hours. I have been feeling twinges in my abdomen, down there where things should be happening. And the area feels warm.

Are these implantation symptoms?

What were your clues that implantation was happening?

Jem

P.S. Thanks for posting news of my FET on LFCA! How sweet!

Earthquake!

Night and day difference between the fresh cycle transfer and the frozen:

Fresh transfer (Nov): me alone (Mr. Jem had a class he couln't miss and he felt totally guilty about not being there), Dr. Alternative (not my normal doctor) doing the transfer. I'm totally overstimulated, feel like I have a little of puppies in my belly. Difficult transfer (like a very painful pap smear). Two embies transfered. BFN.

Today's FET: me, with Mr. Jem by my side holding my hand (and huge smile on his face), Dr. W was there. Oh, and the transfer was much, much easier. Overall was such a moving experience. I had tears in my eyes as the little flash of light on the screen as three little guys/gals were inserted in their new cozy home.

Dr. W said my lining looked great and gushed over the quality of the embryos. "The three embryos thawed perfectly. They look like fresh cycle embryos." He expects that they'll implant today.

When we froze them he said we had two "excellent" and one "good" quality embies. Based on that, we decided to transfer all three, as he said the probability of 50-55% of success. Today when he showed us this picture, he said they looked great and couldn't even tell which of the embies was the "good" one and which ones were "excellent."

Judge for yourself!


I had acupuncture before and after the transfer, which really helped my stress level. As I was on the table with the needles in me there was a 4.1 magnitude earthquake! I guess that's what to expect living in the San Francisco Bay Area.

Back at home, I've been resting on the couch, kitties tag-teaming cuddling with me. Hourse reading a Sookie_Stackhouse novel (the latest?), _From_Dead_To_Worst.

And napping.

Heaven.

FET-eve

I am so excited about tomorrow's FET.

I've been sleeping in and getting exercise. I especially like this DVD: Yoga Practices for Fertility. It makes me feel powerful, strong and healthy.

Today Mr. Jem and I drove into San Francisco to meet family and visiting friends at Golden Gate Park and went to the De Young museum. My aunt wanted to see an exhibit of Amish quilts. Most were from the 1930s, swirls of vibrant colors, abstract designs crafted so carefully, with so much attention and love. As I walked through the exhibit, winding my way through the maze of quilts, I tried to imagine what life was like for these anonymous women, wearing drab clothes, no electricity, creating such beautiful works of art. I can imagine their daughters learning to quilt.

Oh, how I yearn to teach my own daughter to knit, to cook. I want to watch her explore the world and become her own person. If future baby ends up being a boy, I want to teach HIM to knit, to cook, to explore the world and become HIS own person.

Like I said, I'm SO ready for this FET, for this process (it IS a process) to work.

I want a baby, dammit! I couldn't be more ready.

Extended time off

While everyone else is heading back to work, I've decided to extend my holiday time in preparation for Thursday's FET. Today I had acupuncture and massage. It was so wonderful and relaxing. So relaxing that my eyes were all blurry for a couple of hours afterwards. Wow.

Had a wonderful workout listening to the Glee album. Wow, what a great workout soundtrack! Made me smile the whole time. Had to skip over a couple of the slower tunes. Does that officially make me a Gleek?

8 mm?

Yesterday we had my ute scan to see if I made the 8 mm lining check. The sonographer measured and measured and we made it!

FET scheduled for Thursday, Jan 7! With Dr. W. I start 6 days of progesterone on the 2nd. Got my circles drawn in and everything.

I feel really ready this time. I feel good physically and mentally. After having had a bit too much of my parents, they left for the afternoon, which gave me and Mr. Jem some breathing room.

The next day the helped us with a landscaping project (weed barrier and chips put down on a 1,200 square foot area). The following day they bought us a set of shelves for our garage and helped us totally clean out the garage. We have boxes to sort through and put the stuff we want to keep in bins, but we can actually see the cement floor of the garage. It's a miracle!

I am very very grateful for their help, their support, their love.

My parents flew off this morning for a month in Oaxaca, Mexico. They are so active and lead such full lives.

After a day of total relaxation today to catch up on sleep and R&R, Mr. Jem and I are planning some fun activities.

Question for all y'all: Is it okay for me to go into hot tubs? I know it isn't AFTER transfer, but is okay before?

Jem

Mock transfer

Today's mock transfer with Dr. W went well. No problems at all getting the catheter in there. Apparently my cervix has one little spot that is tricky to maneuver through. He got it mapped out and we're good to go!

I just hope and pray that Dr. W will be doing the transfer, which is currently projected to be on or around January 7.

***

Meds arrived today. Kinda annoyed because the IVF coordinator promised a calendar outlining exactly when I take everything, but has yet to send it.

Here's what was in the box:
- Methyl.prednisolone - anti-inflammatory and so my body does not reject the embies
- Doxy.cycline - antibiotic to take before and day of transfer
- Progesterone in both forms - in oil and suppository. Double the fun.
- Syringes with needles of various sizes: 18 gauge to suck the progesterone in oil into the syringe and 22 gauge, mercifully with a smaller needle for the actual injection. Neither Mr. Jem or I are looking forward to the injections

Right now I'm taking 2 mg of estrogen orally three times a day. As my period is slowing down, I get to shove one of the estrogen pills up my lady-parts starting this evening. Super fun! Dr. W assures me this really get the uterine lining to do it's thing. Have to get it to 8 mm or is it cm? What's with the metric systems, anyway? It's too confusing to go back and forth between inches and cm.

Okay, rant over.

I'm feeling very hopeful for this FET.

Jem

P.S. I've been totally craving caffeine lately. I broke down and had a decaf latte the other day. I made it full fat. Apparently full fat dairy is the way to go for fertility.

FET CD1 & Welcome IComLeavWe!

After a 35-day cycle (thank you, IVF), today is officially the first day of our FET (frozen embryo transfer) cycle.

For you IComLeavWe'er, welcome. Here's a quick update of our IF journey.

After TTC for a couple of years, Mr. Jem was finally ready to really try. Low sperm count sent us straight to the RE and to IVF as our only option. In November Mr. Jem and I went through our first IVF. We suffered through hyperstimulation on my part and a testicular biopsy for him. Even tho we're suffering (appropriate word) from male factor infertility, but my body or my eggs weren't quite up to snuff, because the cycle ended with a chemical pregnancy.

We have 2 excellent, and 1 okay embryo on ice that we are planning to have transferred in the beginning of January. We were hoping to be able to do it the week between Christmas and New Years, but alas, I'll need to take time off work.

Mr. Jem and I have been talking a lot, helping me through the fact that I haven't felt especially "hopeful" about this cycle. I think it's me trying to protect myself from the pain of another negative outcome. Now that the cycle is starting, I'm actually very hopeful and feeling extremely positive.

I hope all you have a wonderful Christmas, or whatever you celebrate. I personally ate waaaaayyy too many latkes for Channukah. I'm hitting the gym today!

The inevitable

Started spotting this afternoon. Yippee! FET, here we come!

Beta results

Since I'm doing multiple posts today...

Just got a call from our IVF nurse. The beta came back negative.

Now just waiting for my period to start so we can officially start our FET cycle. Only thing I can do is make a list:

To do:
- Start Period
- Start Est.race pills on day 2
- Reschedule appointment for mock transfer to map out lady-bits again
- Get scanned to determine lining thickness
- If thick enough, start progesterone shots (PIO)
- 6th day of PIO, transfer frozen embryos
- Pray.

Thanks again to everyone for their support. I've sworn off HPTs. Forever. Beta only for me going forward.

I'm not devastated by this BFN like last month. I'm glad to know. Not knowing was hell.

Beta

Rather than doing yet another update to the last post, thought I'd start fresh.

Went to my 10:30 a.m. appointment at the clinic. There I was, legs up in the stirrups, when this woman comes in who I've never met before. "Where's Dr. W?" I asked.

"Your mock transfer was moved onto my schedule." She answered.

Oh, okay.

I then explain about the craziness with the HPT. Her response, "Do you want to do an HCG test? I don't want to go in there with a catheter if there's something going on." (Her exact words).

I look at Mr. Jem, shrug and say, "Um I guess." Now, the probability of us getting PG without IVF is very, very low, as Mr. Jem's sperm count was 8 last time. Not 8 million. Eight. Period.

All the same, I got dressed and went to draw blood. I should know early this afternoon. If it's negative, we'll reschedule the topography session (mapping how to get the catheter comfortably up me) for next week.

Had a "very interesting" chat with our IVF nurse. After looking at the calendar, we wouldn't be doing the FET the week of Dec 28th after all. The absolute earliest it would be is Jan 4. Looks like all that deliberation we did (read this post) was for naught. The good news is that Dr. W is available that week to do the transfer. But who's to say who will actually show up. These clinics run to best serve their own schedules, never mind what WE want.

In any case, fingers crossed for the beta results. I hate to hope too much... I do feel much better after having taken the beta.

Oh, and one more thing:
Cost of the two types of HPTs: $32.60
Cost of the beta at the clinic: $55 minus what's covered by my insurance = $1.78
Peace of mind: priceless.
If only I could add: "BFP: priceless."

Someday...

*sigh*

First ever HPT - confused and need help

Today is cyle day 32. My cycle is normally 30 days, on the dot. On day 30 I had a bunch of my pre-period symptoms: headache, grouchiness, craving chocolate, emotional out-bursts. Today I feel great. Still no period.

I have an appointment with Dr. W this morning for another mock transfer in preparation for our FET. Gotta map out my cervix, as Dr. Alternative had a hard time getting the embies up there during the fresh cycle. In fact, it hurt. Like a pap smear with the dentist from Little_Shop_of_Horrors.

Anyhoo. I realize this this my first cycle post IVF, but 32 is long for me.

So I bought my First HPT this morning, right when the pharmacy opened. Luckily, the Clear.blue's were on sale.

Results?

Not pregnant. But...

There is the faintest vertical line across the big fat horizontal line. Is this the famous evaporation line? If I were PG, at 2 days past the day I expected my period, wouldn't the vertical line be stronger?

I've called my IVF coordinator to ask her what to do.

I'm feeling super anxious right now.

Help!

Update:Peed on the 2nd test. Same very, very faint line. Jumping in my car right now to get a better test. Thanks for the suggestions. OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG...

Update #2: Bought the F.irst R.esponse digital. The little clock is flashing...

Update #3: No. Definitely negative. Oh well. It was a fun ride... Where's my period, then?

Update #4: I hate IF, I hate my body, I hate Mr. Jem's crap sperm. I just want to cry. When I left the pharmacy the last time, I turned down the offer for a bag. As I turned to leave, the lady at the register said, "Don't forget the receipt." I replied, "Why? Can I return the test if it doesn't give me the response I want?"

Ughh. Again, I hate this.

Friend's baby bump

Tuesday night we celebrated my friend's birthday at a restaurant. My friend L is 4 or 5 months pregnant. There's the post that describes how she announced here pregnancy.

What was sad was that she didn't want to show her baby bump or talk about her pregnancy. Every time the subject came up she would look down at her lap as she answered the question. And then change the subject.

She's 41 and it was an "oops" pregnancy with a man she's been on again off again with.

How unfair is this situation. L sat on the other side of the table, clearly tired, uncomfortable (physically and emotionally). Mr. Jem and I sat at the other side of the table. She clearly didn't want to be pregnant. I would give my right eye to be (not literally).

If I had been in her shoes (or better yet, me and PG), I would be beaming with joy. I'd be one of those obnoxious PG women who let friends (only) touch their bellies. I'd be showing off the baby bump with cute maternity wear (never mind that I look like I have a tiny baby bump with my IVF fat).

None of our local friends know we did IVF or that we're preparing for our FET. We plan on keeping it that way until we can announce some happy news.

Jem