Today didn't start well... our cat Sharkey peed on my robe which was draped on the toilette as i was getting ready. I turn around and see his vibrating tail. I yell. He runs. Cursing, I throw the robe directly into the washer with tons of bleach. Blech.
Bad cat. Yes and no. Bad for peeing, but not bad because he was trying to tell us his cat box was not clean.
Jem
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
I was wrong!
Spotting from the other day turned into a full-fledged, 100% go! period this morning. The type that makes your head spin, that makes you want to curl into a ball and go to sleep. Unfortunately, I can't because I'm at work and they expect me to get things done around here... and not just blogging. "Ahem, get back to work, Jem!" I tell myself.
Mr. Jem talked to Dr. Johnson, the urologist, on the phone this morning. Dr. J recommended doing a SA soonest to see if there has been any improvement to sperm count/quality. He suspects to low libido may mean that Mr. Jem's test.osterone had plummeted again, and that he should go back on Test.im.
Mr. Jem admitted to me that the hardest part of this is the blow to his ego. "I see myself as a virile man, not someone with low levels of test.osterone and a low libido." At least he's willing to talk about it and do something about it.
To those of you who suggested therapy, please know that he's been in intensive analysis for a few years now. I'm back to seeing my therapist, too. Ours are not unexamined lives. Au contraire, mon frere!
In the meantime, Mr. Jem is schedule a trip to Boston to see his parents later next week, and help when his father comes home from the hospital after a heart-attack. Good son. Good man.
Okay, back to work and back to my menstrual cramps...
Jem
Mr. Jem talked to Dr. Johnson, the urologist, on the phone this morning. Dr. J recommended doing a SA soonest to see if there has been any improvement to sperm count/quality. He suspects to low libido may mean that Mr. Jem's test.osterone had plummeted again, and that he should go back on Test.im.
Mr. Jem admitted to me that the hardest part of this is the blow to his ego. "I see myself as a virile man, not someone with low levels of test.osterone and a low libido." At least he's willing to talk about it and do something about it.
To those of you who suggested therapy, please know that he's been in intensive analysis for a few years now. I'm back to seeing my therapist, too. Ours are not unexamined lives. Au contraire, mon frere!
In the meantime, Mr. Jem is schedule a trip to Boston to see his parents later next week, and help when his father comes home from the hospital after a heart-attack. Good son. Good man.
Okay, back to work and back to my menstrual cramps...
Jem
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Spotting has stopped & More on "Clom.id for Men" and marriage
Mystery spotting has ceased (I'm not a spotter). Hmm. Curious. Maybe my body will get back to normal. Maybe? Please?
***
"Clom.id for Men" update:
Mr. Jem left a message yesterday with Dr. Johnson, the urologist. Hopefully they'll find a better medication to increase sperm and that won't keep his libido at zero. Oh, and to answer some of your questions, Mr. Jem is on other medication, Pro.zac, to be precise. So, that is also a factor in this whole thing.
Mr. Jem and I had a big talk last night. I expressed to him what I want from a marriage, that I want him to be 100% participating - emotionally (which he does do), but also in terms of doing things around the house like shopping, cooking, cleaning, economically, AND romantically. I want a full partner in life.
He had been very upset by a comment I had made last week when I was trying to explain my needs and that I felt I was being "used" and "taken advantage of" because I trundle off to work early each morning, hour commute each way to a high pressure job. Then I come home and make dinner and then have to ask him to do the dishes, or the vacuum. I have been feeling so much pressure to hold the whole thing together! It's no wonder that my back is a mess! The stress of it all!
I told him I felt a bit "co-dependent" because I have not always been good about expressing my needs. I'm a lot better now, thanks to years of therapy.
Mr. Jem is starting his own business. I asked that we look at our whole household like a business. We even gave it a fictional name, something like "Mr. and Ms. Jem, Incorporated." Like every business we need a budget, we need goals to grow (grow the family = baby, grow our $$, grow our circle of friends, grow our interests and hobbies, grow our giving to the community, grow our spiritual lives), prosper. We need to know how long to give his entrepreneurial endeavors a go until we say, "Basta!" and insist that he gets a job to bring in money.
Mr. Jem taped a recent "Dr Fill" tv show where a former dot.com executive had lost his job and now his wife is holding down two jobs as he "looks" for a new one. He spends his days doing nothing. Dr. Fill spent a good amount of time telling the husband to get off his keester and take a job, any job, to make money for the family and to "be a husband." Interestingly, Mr. Jem said, "surprisingly, there are a lot of similarities between himself and that man on TV." I think it made him realize how unhappy I am with the current situation and that he's losing me.
Last night he told me, "Jem, when you told said that you felt used it was the second worst thing you could say to me. The worst would have been if you had said that you don't trust me."
I wonder if part of me doesn't trust him. He says he loves me, wants to make me happy, but then slips into his own world. If I had a dollar for every excuse he's made to do things later (chores, work, me) I'd be a very rich woman. "I'm too tired." - "I'm stressed by graduate school." - "All I can think about is my sucky job." - "I'm worried about my father being ill." - "I ate too much." - "I couldn't sleep last night." - "I don't know how to seduce you." That last one killed me! You're 47 years old. Don't tell me you don't know what to do!!!!
We'll keep talking. I'll keep you all posted.
Jem
***
"Clom.id for Men" update:
Mr. Jem left a message yesterday with Dr. Johnson, the urologist. Hopefully they'll find a better medication to increase sperm and that won't keep his libido at zero. Oh, and to answer some of your questions, Mr. Jem is on other medication, Pro.zac, to be precise. So, that is also a factor in this whole thing.
Mr. Jem and I had a big talk last night. I expressed to him what I want from a marriage, that I want him to be 100% participating - emotionally (which he does do), but also in terms of doing things around the house like shopping, cooking, cleaning, economically, AND romantically. I want a full partner in life.
He had been very upset by a comment I had made last week when I was trying to explain my needs and that I felt I was being "used" and "taken advantage of" because I trundle off to work early each morning, hour commute each way to a high pressure job. Then I come home and make dinner and then have to ask him to do the dishes, or the vacuum. I have been feeling so much pressure to hold the whole thing together! It's no wonder that my back is a mess! The stress of it all!
I told him I felt a bit "co-dependent" because I have not always been good about expressing my needs. I'm a lot better now, thanks to years of therapy.
Mr. Jem is starting his own business. I asked that we look at our whole household like a business. We even gave it a fictional name, something like "Mr. and Ms. Jem, Incorporated." Like every business we need a budget, we need goals to grow (grow the family = baby, grow our $$, grow our circle of friends, grow our interests and hobbies, grow our giving to the community, grow our spiritual lives), prosper. We need to know how long to give his entrepreneurial endeavors a go until we say, "Basta!" and insist that he gets a job to bring in money.
Mr. Jem taped a recent "Dr Fill" tv show where a former dot.com executive had lost his job and now his wife is holding down two jobs as he "looks" for a new one. He spends his days doing nothing. Dr. Fill spent a good amount of time telling the husband to get off his keester and take a job, any job, to make money for the family and to "be a husband." Interestingly, Mr. Jem said, "surprisingly, there are a lot of similarities between himself and that man on TV." I think it made him realize how unhappy I am with the current situation and that he's losing me.
Last night he told me, "Jem, when you told said that you felt used it was the second worst thing you could say to me. The worst would have been if you had said that you don't trust me."
I wonder if part of me doesn't trust him. He says he loves me, wants to make me happy, but then slips into his own world. If I had a dollar for every excuse he's made to do things later (chores, work, me) I'd be a very rich woman. "I'm too tired." - "I'm stressed by graduate school." - "All I can think about is my sucky job." - "I'm worried about my father being ill." - "I ate too much." - "I couldn't sleep last night." - "I don't know how to seduce you." That last one killed me! You're 47 years old. Don't tell me you don't know what to do!!!!
We'll keep talking. I'll keep you all posted.
Jem
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Spotting and anti-"Clom.id for Men" rant
29 days ago marked the start of the Great 8-day Sludge period (see this post), with another period starting 3 days after that one ended.
Yesterday I started spotting again. Today, more spotting, some brown. Can't tell if I had a 29-day cycle or a 21-day cycle. If it was 29, what was that three-day light period?
Arrghh. This whole thing confuses me.
****
To my IRL friends: this next section may be TMI for you. I won't be offended if you don't read. Cover your eyes and ears and repeat after me: "La, la, la, I can't hear you!"
To you IF veterans out there: I can hear you already, "No biggie! Bring it on, Jem! Whatya got for us? Huh? We can handle it!"
Mr. Jem is finishing up his second month on Clo.mid after being on Test.im for one month. Test.im made him feel great, but it was expensive. He and his urologist decided to switch him over to the generic for Clo.mid to see if it would up his sperm count. Dr. Johnson wanted to give it three months to see if it works. Only problem? Mr. Jem's already low libido has dropped to zero. No manner of fanny wagging (imagine Cameron_Diaz in Charlie's_Angels) inspired him. When boldly asked to accompany me to the bedroom, after subtle measures didn't work, his response was, "I'm too tired. I just want to watch TV."
I'm heartbroken. I know Mr. Jem just wants to produce sperm so we can make a baby. But how can we make a baby if he has no desire to baby dance? Plus, lack of desire has been an issue between us since before we got married 6 years ago. Mine is higher than his. His at zero freaks me out and I want to leave him.
I can hear you thinking, "That Jem has no patience. What's wrong with her? He was patient with you when you were all bloated from IVF." You are right. But isn't the urologist supposed to help his/our love life? Mr. Jem is going to call Dr. Johnson today to see what can be done. I'll keep you posted.
Have any of you faced a similar problem? If so, I'd love to hear about it.
In the meantime, I'm here cursing IF yet again. F@!*& You, infertility!
Jem
Yesterday I started spotting again. Today, more spotting, some brown. Can't tell if I had a 29-day cycle or a 21-day cycle. If it was 29, what was that three-day light period?
Arrghh. This whole thing confuses me.
****
To my IRL friends: this next section may be TMI for you. I won't be offended if you don't read. Cover your eyes and ears and repeat after me: "La, la, la, I can't hear you!"
To you IF veterans out there: I can hear you already, "No biggie! Bring it on, Jem! Whatya got for us? Huh? We can handle it!"
Mr. Jem is finishing up his second month on Clo.mid after being on Test.im for one month. Test.im made him feel great, but it was expensive. He and his urologist decided to switch him over to the generic for Clo.mid to see if it would up his sperm count. Dr. Johnson wanted to give it three months to see if it works. Only problem? Mr. Jem's already low libido has dropped to zero. No manner of fanny wagging (imagine Cameron_Diaz in Charlie's_Angels) inspired him. When boldly asked to accompany me to the bedroom, after subtle measures didn't work, his response was, "I'm too tired. I just want to watch TV."
I'm heartbroken. I know Mr. Jem just wants to produce sperm so we can make a baby. But how can we make a baby if he has no desire to baby dance? Plus, lack of desire has been an issue between us since before we got married 6 years ago. Mine is higher than his. His at zero freaks me out and I want to leave him.
I can hear you thinking, "That Jem has no patience. What's wrong with her? He was patient with you when you were all bloated from IVF." You are right. But isn't the urologist supposed to help his/our love life? Mr. Jem is going to call Dr. Johnson today to see what can be done. I'll keep you posted.
Have any of you faced a similar problem? If so, I'd love to hear about it.
In the meantime, I'm here cursing IF yet again. F@!*& You, infertility!
Jem
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
WTF canceled
I took your advice, oh wise readers, and canceled our WTF appointment for Thursday.
You are so right! A break aught to really be a break. I don't want to think about what to do next when I can't act on it until after mid-May. I want to climb back in my little cocoon of denial and just focus on other things. Namely, pain.
Not mental anguish, but the physical type. My left hip hurts. My left buttock, to be precise. Stabbing pain, with additional pain in my left knee. Seeing my chiropractor this afternoon.
Jem
You are so right! A break aught to really be a break. I don't want to think about what to do next when I can't act on it until after mid-May. I want to climb back in my little cocoon of denial and just focus on other things. Namely, pain.
Not mental anguish, but the physical type. My left hip hurts. My left buttock, to be precise. Stabbing pain, with additional pain in my left knee. Seeing my chiropractor this afternoon.
Jem
Monday, March 22, 2010
Should I blow off my WTF appointment?
(Okay, I would call to cancel)
Our WTF appointment is scheduled for Thursday, but I don't feel ready to go. I know we won't be able to cycle again until after mid-May and I'm super busy at work. And I'm in avoidance mode.
To cancel or not to cancel, that is the question.
Our WTF appointment is scheduled for Thursday, but I don't feel ready to go. I know we won't be able to cycle again until after mid-May and I'm super busy at work. And I'm in avoidance mode.
To cancel or not to cancel, that is the question.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Moody
I've turned into a moody be-atch. Can't decide if I'm getting sick, or just sick of the humdrum of my life. Grumpy and over-reactive. I think I'm sleep deprived, stressed by work, yada, yada, yada.
Yawn.
Yawn.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Nothing...
... to report on TTC. We're officially on a break. Psychologically, it's a little bit like resigning myself to... I mean "trying out" living Child-free.
I don't like it.
Okay, I loved sleeping in to noon on Sunday. I didn't like this feeling that there's something major missing in my life. I don't care about being able to go shopping anytime I want. I don't care about just focusing on me. I want to focus on raising a child, I want to have a reason to cook a good dinner, a reason to sing a song, to make silly faces, to paint.
I know I don't have to have a child to do all those things. The fact is that without the focus of TTC, all the deficiencies of my life are standing out. Mr. Jem is annoying me - his lack of career focus, not following through with 2 of the 3 things he does around the house: dishes and vacuuming. His lack of fitness and energy is also bothering me. Okay, I have 25 lbs I need to lose, too.
The other obsession that has filled the space left open after IVF has been with my hair. I'm wearing it curly instead of blow-drying it straight each day. I wash it at night and add product (aloe vera gel is my go-to right now). The key is not to touch the hair as it dries, or it frizzes. I will post more about this later. Again, I'm totally obsessing on reading curly girl blogs and forum postings.
Okay, not exactly "NOTHING" going on. Just not really the right stuff.
Jem
I don't like it.
Okay, I loved sleeping in to noon on Sunday. I didn't like this feeling that there's something major missing in my life. I don't care about being able to go shopping anytime I want. I don't care about just focusing on me. I want to focus on raising a child, I want to have a reason to cook a good dinner, a reason to sing a song, to make silly faces, to paint.
I know I don't have to have a child to do all those things. The fact is that without the focus of TTC, all the deficiencies of my life are standing out. Mr. Jem is annoying me - his lack of career focus, not following through with 2 of the 3 things he does around the house: dishes and vacuuming. His lack of fitness and energy is also bothering me. Okay, I have 25 lbs I need to lose, too.
The other obsession that has filled the space left open after IVF has been with my hair. I'm wearing it curly instead of blow-drying it straight each day. I wash it at night and add product (aloe vera gel is my go-to right now). The key is not to touch the hair as it dries, or it frizzes. I will post more about this later. Again, I'm totally obsessing on reading curly girl blogs and forum postings.
Okay, not exactly "NOTHING" going on. Just not really the right stuff.
Jem
Friday, March 12, 2010
ABC's of Jem
Thanks to Rain for this idea...
A - Age: 39 (or 40 minus 1 month, 3 weeks, 3 days)
B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the tub/shower
D - Dog/Pet's name: Fluffy and Sharkey
E - Essential start to your day item(s): Good morning from my sweetie!
F - Favorite color: purple
G - Gold or Silver: Gold
H - Height: 5' 2"
I - Instruments you play(ed): recorder, violin
J - Job title: Manager, Sales Training
K - Kisses or hugs: Hugs
L - Living arrangements: with my husband, two cats
M - Mood: Sleepy
N - Nicknames: I don't have any
O - Overnight hospital stays other than birth: None
P - Pet Peeves: People who cut lines for the train. Bad grammar.
Q - Quote from a movie: "Wherever you go, there you are." from The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)
R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: two step-sisters
T - Time you wake up: 5:20 am
U- Underwear: bikini. Tried thongs, but couldn't stand them!
V - Vegetable you dislike: Love all veggies
W - Ways you run late: Only run late if I'm caught up in the moment with a project (like right now... gotta jump on a phone call... BRB...)
X - X-rays you've had: teeth and jaw
Y - Yummy food you make: Chicken piccata, tarte tatin, turkey.
Z - Zoo favorite: Can't stand zoos. They make me cry. Can't stand the idea of animals in cages.
Jem
A - Age: 39 (or 40 minus 1 month, 3 weeks, 3 days)
B - Bed size: Queen
C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the tub/shower
D - Dog/Pet's name: Fluffy and Sharkey
E - Essential start to your day item(s): Good morning from my sweetie!
F - Favorite color: purple
G - Gold or Silver: Gold
H - Height: 5' 2"
I - Instruments you play(ed): recorder, violin
J - Job title: Manager, Sales Training
K - Kisses or hugs: Hugs
L - Living arrangements: with my husband, two cats
M - Mood: Sleepy
N - Nicknames: I don't have any
O - Overnight hospital stays other than birth: None
P - Pet Peeves: People who cut lines for the train. Bad grammar.
Q - Quote from a movie: "Wherever you go, there you are." from The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)
R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: two step-sisters
T - Time you wake up: 5:20 am
U- Underwear: bikini. Tried thongs, but couldn't stand them!
V - Vegetable you dislike: Love all veggies
W - Ways you run late: Only run late if I'm caught up in the moment with a project (like right now... gotta jump on a phone call... BRB...)
X - X-rays you've had: teeth and jaw
Y - Yummy food you make: Chicken piccata, tarte tatin, turkey.
Z - Zoo favorite: Can't stand zoos. They make me cry. Can't stand the idea of animals in cages.
Jem
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Boring
Nothing to report. My life consists of getting up, going to work, working out, eating healthy foods, watching TV at night, petting my cats and cuddling with Mr. Jem. Taking a bath and then going to bed.
Rinse and repeat.
Jem
Rinse and repeat.
Jem
Monday, March 8, 2010
At last!
Had a good weekend, relaxed a lot, got some reading done, shopped for food for the week.
I'm doing a food detox, avoiding processed food, eating organic when I can. I'm following the Dinner Diva Detox found on Savingdinner.com. Last week I ate mostly catered food and felt like a complete heifer by the end of the week.
Oh, and my period ended by Sunday. Yippee! Totally feeling like I'm having a fresh start!
Jem
I'm doing a food detox, avoiding processed food, eating organic when I can. I'm following the Dinner Diva Detox found on Savingdinner.com. Last week I ate mostly catered food and felt like a complete heifer by the end of the week.
Oh, and my period ended by Sunday. Yippee! Totally feeling like I'm having a fresh start!
Jem
Friday, March 5, 2010
Lucky 13
Got the call from the clinic and the results of my 13th beta is that my HCG is down to 1. Finally. At last!
The nurse said the sludge from last week was probably just a result of the MTX and the bleeding that started yesterday is my actual period. I should call if it goes on too long.
She said we need to wait a month before TTC. I'm actually okay with that. I'll be glad to really have a break from all this pressure. Except the part of me that is impatient to get to this baby-making, already!
Ambivalence strikes again!
Jem
Beta #100
Or at least it feels like it's Beta #100.
Can you believe I totally forgot to go yesterday to get my blood drawn to see if my HCG has gone back down to zero (please!!!!)? I know it sounds crazy to forget to go get blood drawn, but when you've gone as often as I have since January 16 (!!!), you might forget, too!
I should have results later today. I will post an update then.
And yes, I'm still bleeding (have been on and off since Feb 22).
Jem
Can you believe I totally forgot to go yesterday to get my blood drawn to see if my HCG has gone back down to zero (please!!!!)? I know it sounds crazy to forget to go get blood drawn, but when you've gone as often as I have since January 16 (!!!), you might forget, too!
I should have results later today. I will post an update then.
And yes, I'm still bleeding (have been on and off since Feb 22).
Jem
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Bleeding again, wha?
I started spotting last night, and now I have a full red flow. This is two days after stopping my eight-days of brown sludge.
Huh? What's up, body?
Jem
Huh? What's up, body?
Jem
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Stopping the Yangtze_River
Well, my nine-day flow of sludge, what I affectionately called the Yangtze_River, has finally stopped.
It's officially cycle day 10. Let's see if we can make a baby the old fashioned way (ha!) while on our break from ART until after May 20.
That's the only news.
Jem
Monday, March 1, 2010
I survived...
Family visit: Friday after work I visited with my step-sister and her 4-y-o son. It was lovely to read him a story (or three) as he went to bed. Didn't leave me sad, just more determined to be a mom.
Baby Shower: Saturday got up early to finish cleaning the house before the 8 ladies arrived for the baby shower. I didn't serve bourbon and none of my guests wanted to drink (it started at noon). We did have great food and a blast decorating onesies of various sizes with fabric paints as gifts for the mom-to-be. Then we did a Mad_Lib and then opened presents. It was a really good time. Again, it didn't leave me sad at all, but just happy for her (a "whoops PG" at age 41, not married and with a guy who travels a lot for his job, not the best combo).
Adult fun: (not that kind, get your mind out of the gutter!) Sunday I slept in (take THAT, all you moms out there! Ha!) and then went to a Purim party - drank red wine and had a blast (take that, all you moms-to-be out there who can't drink! I'm not bitter, really! LOL!)
Overall, a wonderful weekend...
Period from hell: Only dark side is that I'm on my 8th day of bleeding, if you call this rusty brown leakage bleeding. My period normally lasts 3-4 days and is mostly bright red. TMI? Sorry.
Fitness: My next step is to get back to exercising! I'm 30 lbs over my ideal weight. Since we're taking a break with ART until May I have time to get back to my pre-IVF and pre-TTC weight. I joined Weight_Watchers, but have had a hard time getting back to tracking.
Are any of you out there working on losing weight between treatments? Any tips or words of wisdom for us?
Okay, that catches you all up. Work's going to be super busy this week, so if you don't hear from me, know that I'm doing well, and keeping out of trouble.
Jem
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