Thursday, March 25, 2010

Spotting has stopped & More on " for Men" and marriage

Mystery spotting has ceased (I'm not a spotter). Hmm. Curious. Maybe my body will get back to normal. Maybe? Please?


" for Men" update:

Mr. Jem left a message yesterday with Dr. Johnson, the urologist. Hopefully they'll find a better medication to increase sperm and that won't keep his libido at zero. Oh, and to answer some of your questions, Mr. Jem is on other medication, Pro.zac, to be precise. So, that is also a factor in this whole thing.

Mr. Jem and I had a big talk last night. I expressed to him what I want from a marriage, that I want him to be 100% participating - emotionally (which he does do), but also in terms of doing things around the house like shopping, cooking, cleaning, economically, AND romantically. I want a full partner in life.

He had been very upset by a comment I had made last week when I was trying to explain my needs and that I felt I was being "used" and "taken advantage of" because I trundle off to work early each morning, hour commute each way to a high pressure job. Then I come home and make dinner and then have to ask him to do the dishes, or the vacuum. I have been feeling so much pressure to hold the whole thing together! It's no wonder that my back is a mess! The stress of it all!

I told him I felt a bit "co-dependent" because I have not always been good about expressing my needs. I'm a lot better now, thanks to years of therapy.

Mr. Jem is starting his own business. I asked that we look at our whole household like a business. We even gave it a fictional name, something like "Mr. and Ms. Jem, Incorporated." Like every business we need a budget, we need goals to grow (grow the family = baby, grow our $$, grow our circle of friends, grow our interests and hobbies, grow our giving to the community, grow our spiritual lives), prosper. We need to know how long to give his entrepreneurial endeavors a go until we say, "Basta!" and insist that he gets a job to bring in money.

Mr. Jem taped a recent "Dr Fill" tv show where a former executive had lost his job and now his wife is holding down two jobs as he "looks" for a new one. He spends his days doing nothing. Dr. Fill spent a good amount of time telling the husband to get off his keester and take a job, any job, to make money for the family and to "be a husband." Interestingly, Mr. Jem said, "surprisingly, there are a lot of similarities between himself and that man on TV." I think it made him realize how unhappy I am with the current situation and that he's losing me.

Last night he told me, "Jem, when you told said that you felt used it was the second worst thing you could say to me. The worst would have been if you had said that you don't trust me."

I wonder if part of me doesn't trust him. He says he loves me, wants to make me happy, but then slips into his own world. If I had a dollar for every excuse he's made to do things later (chores, work, me) I'd be a very rich woman. "I'm too tired." - "I'm stressed by graduate school." - "All I can think about is my sucky job." - "I'm worried about my father being ill." - "I ate too much." - "I couldn't sleep last night." - "I don't know how to seduce you." That last one killed me! You're 47 years old. Don't tell me you don't know what to do!!!!

We'll keep talking. I'll keep you all posted.



Adventures in Baby Waiting said...

Ah ha! Prozac! It's the prozac I bet! J's Dr. told him it had no sexual side effects but it did for him. I would try switching. also, I reread my comment to you yesterday and when I said we danced and danced and danced, I mean we bd'd for over an hour and he couldn't finish. It was the prozac. He stopped that day and we didn't have a problem there after as far as finishing is concerned.

Poppet said...

I find being married to be the hardest thing I do.

But having kids is more work (in terms of cleaning, laundry type of work) with tasks that can't get put off just because you didn't sleep well. Dinner has to get made... homework followed up on and carpools driven, no matter how hard your day was.

And in terms of "I don't know how to seduce you" all I can say is "TRY HARDER!" Men!!! A woman would NEVER say that!!!!

Leslie said...

It definitely seems as though IF can test any marriage, especially if it goes on for years. I am glad you guys had a good talk-- I feel for your husband becuase he can't be feeling good about himself right now, with both is personal and professional life up in the air. Scary. Also, sitting around the house can get depressing and cause people to lose their motivation (particularly motivation to do the dishes). I've been out of work before, and I remember that feeling well. I would assume that he is depressed, the Prozac isn't the right med for it (isn't working), and he need to either switch antidepressants, switch therapists, or both.
He definitely needs you right now! As hard as this is on you, it sounds like it is harder on him right now.
But I am one of those proponents of 'the myth of laziness'. I think most 'laziness' (of the type you describe) is really depression, and not a personality flaw.
Good luck-- rough situation. Not fair for either of you!!!

TeeJay said...

I would tend to agree with the statement of he needs to look into switching the Prozac. His behavior does sound a bit like depression. It can come off as laziness but it often times is the result of depression. I've been home all day every day with nothing but housework and I didn't lift one finger to do any of it. Anyway, just a thought. And it sounds like you at least have the doors of communication open a bit...keep it open and keep the conversation flowing.

Pie said...

Yeah, I agree with Leslie, it may be side effects of Prozac, but it might also be that the depression is either too much for the prozac, or the prozac isn't working on the depression. All the things you describe, the inertia, lack of motivation (for anything), that's depression. Classic symptoms, in fact. He might need more than meds (regular therapy, and if he's in it, maybe a new therapist) and a tweak of his meds.

Hang in there, it is not easy.

lis said...

i love your honesty and i am in awe of the ease with which you share.
marriage is hard. very hard somedays.
i hope the doc can help out with the libido. sex is so important.

northern lights said...

Many of your posters wrote about possible med connections w/Mr. Jem- I think that's worth looking into- but as I think someone else said, don't underestimate the toll "all of this" can take on a marriage. 8 years later (and kid here) I would personally say that our marriage was changed by it all - though not sure my Mr. would agree. The conflict- the tension of unrealized ambitions- can be enough to cripple one person, let alone have that person be fully-functioning in a 'mutual' relationship.

FWIW this seems like the wrong time to start a business- sounds like you're trying to have two babies at once. Is advocating for couples counseling too strong? You love each other too much. You have the blog-let (outlet)- what does he have? Not taking sides- just putting out there some things that we still grapple w/too- call them by different names but at the root of it the issues can be similiar...I will never forget a massive blowout with my DH - he was being so unreceptive - at which point I said "you just don't get it - I won't be happy until I have a baby in my arms" (this was when we were going through adoption hell after infert. hell). That made an impact- mostly because of my gutwrenching sobs I think- but he... just... didn't... get it & to this day still doesn't completely- he's just wired differently?

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you guys had an open talk. Hopelessly (my hubby) and I are in a similar position in some ways. He works form home, I go out to work, I bring in most of the 'bacon', but over the last year he has really started to pull his weight around the house really helping to ease my stress, I hope you and Mr Jem reach the same happy place. And don't under-estimate the negative impact that sitting at home can have on a man's sense of manliness, and that without having sperm issues. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

Misfits said...

Wow. That's a lot out there. It sounds like a super healthy discussion and that it went well. Depression demotivates you in all sorts of ways. Also echoing the other commenters. Infertility chips away at even the best marriages. I'm super glad you guys are talking about this. It's a crappy time for you guys and being partners to each other is key to keeping sane. Do hang in there!