Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Holding pattern

I feel like I'm circling above an airport, watching the other planes circle, too. Waiting to land. Waiting to be told, "you'll get your baby" from some higher air traffic controller. 

But I may never get to land.

Can I live with this? the words, "Living child-free" keep popping up in my mind. I rebel. I cry out. No. That's not what I want. 

But how can we make parenthood happen? When can we land?



Anonymous said...

GAH! I have those thoughts as well. I try to console myself with thoughts of travel, fine dining, and a custom-built house, but it never seems to work. The desire to have a child is so amazingly powerful. The only thing I can say is that you and Mr. Jem deserve to be parents! And I hope that somehow you find your child.


Allison said...
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~ Alli said...

I totally know what you mean! I have been circling for what feels like forever, while all the other plans get called in to land. I'm getting dizzy!!! Wishing you so much luck!!

~ A

serenity said...

I remember feeling that way, too.

All I kept telling myself was that if J and I really wanted to be parents, we'd find a way to be parents.

I really really hope you're not circling for much longer. The limbo really sucks.


Lulu said...

My heart aches for you. We are all just a few months and failed treatments away from this same conversation.

Poppet said...
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Poppet said...

I guess it comes down to what you are willing to do to become parents and whether you are willing to consider children without all (or some) of your DNA.

As a parent, I know that if I couldn't birth one myself, I'd adopt. No question. I'd adopt today if Mr Poppet would consider it. We have friends - including my very closest "maid-of-honor" BFF - who have done the "a" word. I don't think they feel any more or any less a parent than I do. And they certainly don't live in a childless home! (they had 3 boys on their own before adopting gorgeous "KK").

I am happy to give you their e-mail offline. Or check FB, her initials are MCM. With 3 biological boys and 1 girl and I know they feel as much KK's parents, and she as their daughter, as they do their dna-sharing boys. After a few glasses of wine, she will admit that she favors the girl to the boys... (when they become teenagers, I predict it will reverse itself).

I know there are lots of worries about adoption: health issues, not knowing what the mom ate, what drugs she took, what medical issues she has.

Questions about dna is true with most pregnancies. You can control what you eat, but you cannot control your own genetic make-up. I have a brother, a mother and 3 of 4 grandparents who died of cancer. So chances are that my kids will get a fair number of cancer genes. The other non-cancer genes I carry? Early death due to heart attack. So far my father's had 2 heart attacks. I even took the karmic twist to name my son for my late brother (wondering if I cursed him to follow his fate in doing so). All 4 of my children's grandparents are/were functioning alcoholics.

When I was pregnant with my daughter I ate crap for 9 months. I didn't know I was pregnant for a while, so I drank like a fish for the first couple of months, too. I never exercised and I worked 60-70 hour weeks. She is healthy.

With my son, I only drank a few weeks (before I knew I was pregnant again), I ate healthy, exercised regularly. Slept well. Didn't overwork. He is the one with the learning disability.

My point is - you don't know what you are getting in this world. No matter what you test for, in the end, some of it most certainly is karma. The other percentage is luck. And you forget that with adoption, you are giving as much as you are getting. I'm not doing a good deed by birthing my own children. Adoptive parents are possibly saving a child from a life of poverty or abuse.

With all the failed IVF's and years of trying beforehand, you've used up your quota of bad luck and bad karma. Roll your dice. I know you want to be a parent. Your womb may be ambivalent on that point, but you, my dear, certainly are not! There is a child out there - perhaps not born yet - who needs you. Once he/she/they come into your life, by whatever means, they will call you Mom.

And not matter what they look like - your curls or not - you will answer with, "yes my darling?"

Sometimes you have to take control and land your own F'ing plane!

erika said...

Being in the unknown is scary. We need to have faith to get through this. Faith in that things will work out somehow, and that our dreams will one day come through. Keep the hope!
Much love your ways!

Circus Princess said...

Don't stop believing and keep your mind and eyes open for those landing signals. Where there's a will, there's a way!

TeeJay said...

I feel like I'm in that holding pattern, too. It sucks. The answer will come...soon hopefully. You will make a decision that is right for you and Mr. Jem and you will be ok with it. Your plane will land and there will be smiles and hugs all way or another, I'm sure.

Illanare said...


Anonymous said...

That thought rolls around my mind often, more lately. All I can do is hope and pray that it will not be our reality. I don't have anything to offer because that thought sucks sucks and sucks.

CS said...

Plan? Make short term goals about something positive you'll do next cycle to head towards parenthood? Check out acupuncture, try diet modification, another doc, an adoption seminar... whatever helps make you feel like at least you've tried something or crossed an option off the list.

Brandy said...

I'm so sorry! I totally feel your pain.