I'm mad. Mad at the world. Mad at my RE(s). Mad at my reproductive failures. Mad at Mr. Jem.
I know none of it is personal. The world isn't out to get me. My RE(s) all want the best for me. My reproductive failures are simple biology. Mr. Jem is just coping.
Except it's been 7 years of this. Of excuses. Of him needing time to "find himself, to figure out what he wants to do." Of lonely nights, lack of romance. Even when I tell him days in advance "Mr. Jem, this weekend I'll be ovulating." - NOTHING!!
Yes, we get along well most of the time. Yes, he gets me, he supports me emotionally. I'm mad it's been well over a year and he hasn't launched this business venture he's been working on and it doesn't appear he will any time soon.
My life is getting up before 6 am, taking an hour train into SF, working 8 hours, then another hour to get home, then I make dinner, then I have to beg Mr. Jem to clean up. We watch tv and then I go to bed. I can't think of the last time we had any intimate time together. Okay, we just went through IVF and then Mr. Jem's dad died. But this is a pattern. There's often an excuse why he's not in the mood, sick, whatever. We don't even kiss anymore really. It's like I'm just there and I feel so taken for granted. Yes, he thanks me for going to work each day.
Am I just a huge door mat? Why am I in this situation where I'm supporting my husband (again - I already put him through graduate school)? I feel like such a fool.
One night last week I came home from work (a stressful day) and dinner was on the table when I got home. I cried tears of gratitude. Not that Mr. Jem had cooked dinner. Mr. Jem's mom had made dinner (she was staying with us for the week).
I'm not sure what to do. I keep asking (nicely) for what I want, for what I need. I don't know if he can deliver. And I'm not just talking about the baby thing. I recognized that's out of our control. I'm talking about him making money, getting into shape, being good to himself, really working hard, really DOING. He's just so up in his head, over-analyzing everything. It drives me mad!
MAD! I tell you!!!
Okay, thanks for listening and letting me vent. Clearly I need to go to therapy. Only I don't want to go back to my old therapist. I feel she let me down by not really giving me the guidance I need.
Update: Just a quick clarification: Mr. Jem is in therapy. He does analysis three times a week. He's also on anti-depressants (and has been for years) and has been diagnosed with low testosterone by his doctor (haven't been able to treat the low testosterone since we were trying to produce sperm).
Counseling has helped things between us, but the essentials are just not up to snuff. I'm very frustrated and sad about it.
Update #2: And then suddenly, at 4:00 p.m. I wasn't mad anymore. I just missed him. We talked on the phone, pledged to talk more, spend time together this weekend to talk about our losses, to mourn our last IVF, to keep communicating... a good step.
I'm feeling so much better now.