What's your major malfunction?

Still no O.

It's CD 21 and I'm still showing Hi Fertility. I suppose I could be NOT ovulating this month, but that hasn't happened before.

Okay, the only thing I can think is that my O monitor or pee sticks malfunctioned. I suppose it could be user error and I peed incorrectly - under or over saturated the stick. 

Who knows? Who cares? 

What I do know is that we did the sexy thing on Aug 22, but with no follow up, because I don't know if or when I ovulated! How frustrating is that?

Has this happened to any other normally ovulating IF'er out there?

~Jem

CD20 - O No

"O, where art thou?"

~Jem

CD 19 - Where's O?

Yup, the monitor is still saying "high fertility" but not "O" yet. This is day 7 of high. I'm used to "O" at day 16. If she comes tomorrow, that will make it a 34 day cycle.

Having a great weekend. Went to the Eat Real Festival yesterday. For those of you in the SF Bay Area - you must go! Great food! It's still going today. Here's the website.

~Jem

Painting the Town Sober

Last night was fun. Super fun. Now I realize that the majority of the "hangovers" I've had in the past have more to do with sleep-deprivation than from alcohol. Okay, that's exaggerating, but you get the point. I'm tired today, but from being out late.

The guys totally bought the "I'm on antibiotic" ploy. Of course, one said, "I always ignore those warnings." Another said, "I limit myself to 2 drinks when I'm on antibiotics." But that was the extent of it. Instead, I got to watch them get all silly and drunk without the filter of me doing it too.

We started out at the home of one of my work-mates, B. He has a fabulous flat in the Castro neighborhood of SF. It's all Victorian and decorated beautifully. I met his cat, Coco, who is adorable and so much tinier than our Sharkey (who weighs 18 lbs). They drank bourbon, very good bourbon. We all snacked on artisan sliced meats, cheese, and hummus. We gave B, the colleague who is leaving our group, a beautiful framed picture of  the team and a silly kung-fu hamster that makes silly noises to replace one that wore out years ago. I've worked with B for over 9 years. That's a long time. That's also why I couldn't blow off the outing.

Around 8 p.m. we trekked down to this restaurant for dinner. Totally yummy. Then off this hip bar to rub shoulders with twenty-something hipsters and laugh uproariously and act silly some more.

Only bummer was splitting up the bill equally when I didn't have any part of the bottle of wine or an expensive entree at dinner. I chalk that up to the price of the outing. Like paying for entertainment.

I was home around 11:45 p.m. Not too late or too bad. Mr. Jem was funny when I got home. First thing he asked me was, "Did you drink?" I said, "No, plus you asked me not to and I said I wouldn't" and then laid a big smackeroo on him to prove the point.

On the TTC* front, it's CD 17 and no O. Tomorrow?

~Jem

*I hate the word "try" so "TTC" or "Trying To Conceive" will become "TTC" or just plain "C" or "Conception"

Help! Peer pressure - Updated

I'm going out with my colleagues after work tonight. Let's just say that drinking will be involved. It will be the focus.

I don't want to drink. I'm just about to O and I want my body to be healthy and alcohol-free.

I don't want to tell my colleagues the real reason why. They are all guys and I don't want them in my bizness.

What should I tell them? Say I'm taking a medication that doesn't mix with alcohol? (I don't have to say that it's a pre-natal vitamin!) Say I'm on a diet? On a cleanse?

HELP!!!!

Update: Note that I have gone out drinking with this crew before. There are only 4 of us going out for a night on the town. I think I'm going with the meds argument, but would still appreciate advice!

Happy Belated Blogoversary, Blog!

What? How did I miss this important Anniversary? August 13 of 2009 I wrote my first post. Oh, how hopeful and innocent I was!

All I knew is that I wanted to become a mom and that Mr. Jem didn't have enough swimmers to make it happen. This was before genetic testing, acupuncture, more SA, first injections, hyperstimulation, TESE, ER (twice), FET, MTX (twice), and on and on (and on and on...).

It's been quite a year! Thanks for all the support, for wiping my tears, for giving me hugs, and for sharing laughs with me along the way.

I hope a year from now I will have a child in my arms.

~Jem

Happy ICLW!

In transition... that's where I am right now... best describes our situation after 2 failed IVF (+ 1 FET). After the last IVF I swore I wouldn't do it again, but we will give it one more go with a new doc and clinic. I haven't given up hope (okay, I gave it up and then took it back in my heart!!).

If you are new to my blog, my story is in the long list to the right. In brief, I'm 40, we're MFI, but my age is a factor, too. I picked the name of this blog because there are some days that I REALLY want a baby, a child. I know I'll be a great mom. Other days, I get discouraged and get all "sour grapes" around this and think, "I can't have a baby? Didn't want one, anyway!!" Boo-hoo, poor me!

That said, I do want a baby, a child. I know it won't be all roses and I still want/need to have a bigger family. Bigger than just Mr. Jem, Sharkey (our fur-baby) and me.

~Jem

WTF Appt #3

We met with Dr. W yesterday. It went well, in that I didn't cry, even when he started the conversation asking about Fluffy.

Why didn't our last IVF work? Why did we get less eggs and embryos? Why didn't the good embryos transferred stick? He didn't really know. 

Only conclusion: Old eggs. He didn't recommend doing PGD or any other testing.

Here are the options he presented:

1. Donor IUI, with Clo.mid "kick" - could do this next cycle. 5-10% chance of getting PG. Cost: $600-$700
2. IVF: Antogonist (again) with a slighter higher Folli.stim dose than last time (225IU). 35% chance of success, 40% with donor sperm.
3. Donor Egg IVF: Higher cost ($25K), 60-65% chance of a baby with donor egg + Mr. Jem's sperm; 75% chance with donor egg and donor sperm. My reaction? With donor egg and sperm, shouldn't we "just adopt?" He pointed out that with adoption, you don't always know if the mother is taking good care of herself (not drinking, doing drugs), and that at least I'd have control over the pregnancy part of the equation. Hmm...

So, what to do? What was his recommendation? Dr. W didn't think there is one clear option. I don't want to "waste" time with a long series of IUIs, given my age (40).

We are definitely looking at getting a second opinion. I've already reached out to Dr. Zou.ves in Foster.City, CA. I'll let you all know what he says. Two other recommendations from a trusted source: CCRM (of course) and Dr. Jefferey.Fisch in Las.Vegas.

I'm starting to get mentally ready to cycle again. We will be traveling in September (to Oregon to see my parents and to MA to visit Mr. Jem's parents), so we'll need to cycle in late September, early October.

Onward and upward!

WTF Appointment tomorrow

We are going to see Dr. W tomorrow (instead of next week). Kind of excited to get this over with. Both Mr. Jem and I are NOT excited about going back to the clinic and are considering going elsewhere for future ART procedures.

In cycle news, it's CD8 and my "O" monitor had me POAS this morning. It's sad but I just sent and Out.look calendar invite to Mr. Jem for CD14 so it would be on his calendar at home so I don't get the "I don't know when you ovulate!" argument this month. Sigh. Who would have thought I'd be sending a meeting request to my husband to do the deed. Pathetic!

On a happier note, I joined up with a local Resolve group in the SF East Bay. Five of us from the group got together last Saturday and a had a hypno.therapist come do a guided meditation/relaxation exercise. She specializes in fertility. The idea is to eliminate the stress in your life to increase your chance of conceiving! Boy did I feel relaxed and good afterwards. I definitely recommend it. 

~Jem

It's amazing

Been a bit down in the dumps (wha? Really??!!). The weather her in NorCal has been gloomy and cold (50 degrees, grey skies, windy).

This afternoon the sun came out.

And I listened to this song.

It's Amazing by Jem on YouTube

It IS amazing!

~Jem

CD1 - She's heeeeeere!!!

Oh, yeah, AF is here. With a vengeance. I want to curl up in a ball under my covers all day kinda vengeance.

No real surprise. Just glad I didn't POAS, as that would have been a waste of money.

Now back to your regularly scheduled programing.

~Jem

CD31 - symptoms

Nausea, headache, irritability... Hmmmm. I wonder what it means!? 

Squeeze the tatas... no tenderness.

Conclusion: regular pre-AF symptoms. Only question is, "When will she arrive?"

CD 30 - No news

Has it really been a whole week since I posted? Time flies when you are actually working (gasp!) rather than posting. I also re-discovered Twit.ter, so I've been a bit consumed with exploring that whole world. I now get what all the fuss is about. It's very cool. I do have one IRL friend who twe.ets WAY too much. I know that I don't need to let the whole world know where I am at all moments. Not judging, but Geeeze!

On the IF front, no news. It's CD 30, and I think I O'd around day 18. that means I have a couple of days more to wait for CD1. I'm 100% sure that this cycle is a no-go. I have no symptoms, except my regular pre-menstrual crap: irritability, and wanting to eat everything in front of me. B00bies NOT sore. Before IVF, my cycles were regular, 30 days on the dot. Since. Not. Is that normal?

Oh, I did reschedule our WTF appointment. Dr. W is on vacation this week, busy all next week. So, the appointment is for Thur August 26. Hope our other cat doesn't get sick like last time.

Okay, I better get back to work now...

~Jem

CD23

Okay, I had one beer at the game (see last post). No problem there. It's after the game, that I may have over-done it. Ended up sharing bottles (3, I think) of wine with 3 other colleagues on the roof of the building where VP lives (right by the ballpark). And eating soft cheese, too!

Granted, this is so early in the process, that I'm sure I didn't do any harm. What with all the crack-whores who get knocked up, you'd think it wasn't a factor, at least for implantation! Who knows, tho. Mr. Jem's sperm.count is so low (25K) that it may not matter.

We didn't make it to the WTF appointment we were supposed to have the other week, because we had to take Fluffy to the vet. Right then. I finally feel like I could face the smiling Dr. W (not smiling in a good way, more like an insincere "I need to smile at them when I'm tell them complete crap and give them the impression I can help them get pregnant." smile). 

While at the clinic I'm going to ask for my file when we go so we can look for a second opinion. 

We'd love RE recommendations in the San Francisco bay area... if you don't want to post doctor or clinic names in the comments section, feel free to email me at ambivalent dot womb at gmail dot com (but with "." where I wrote out dot).

~Jem