It's been months since I last participated in IComLeavWe. It's good to be back, it's good to be "public" again. I felt disconnected from the IF community - I missed you all!!
So, for those of you new to my blog, I'm Jem. I'm 41. We've been through 3 fresh IVF, and 1 FET. No more IVF for me, so we're moving on to donor sperm and IUI. I would be willing to use donor eggs, if it came to that.
Mr. Jem and I have been through a rough patch lately, but are on the mend. IF can do a real number on a marriage. Thanks to marriage counseling we are communicating better.
So, that's my story. Please share with me and the other readers a link to a blog or post that meant a great deal to YOU lately.
I chose this post from from IF to when because it resonated with me... motherhood isn't a club (that won't have me at the moment); it's a gift, a responsibility.
Happy ICLW!
~Jem
13 comments:
As a parent who is a daily reader, and a friend in the real world, I want to make sure that your readers understand that most of the insensitive things said to members of the IF community are said without malice and with a large dose of ignorance. We parents are not forming a country club and intentionally denying others access.
While I am grateful that being a parent has given me a lot of dear friendships, I equated motherhood with a sorority. In fact I have experienced the opposite over and over again!
Many, many women find both pregnancy and early motherhood isolating, especially with their first child. Quite the opposite of joining a club, I felt I was being outcast in the workplace and left out of plans with my non-mom friends.
At college reunions I was made to feel worthless because while everyone around me was focusing on their careers, I was "just a stay-at-home Mom". I even lied about being a teacher once because I was ashamed!
Fourteen years later, I'm finding employers don't want to hire women who have focused on their children. It is a huge negative in the workplace to even say you're a Mom (but not a dad, go figure!).
For the most part, I do hang out with other moms. It starts out of convenience - you have to socialize your children by meeting other kids. Nowadays my kids don't want to go ANYWHERE with me, especially my teenage daughter. (A new form of isolation, indeed).
Looking back now: the early years: pregnancy, breast or bottle, cloth or plastic, pink or blue onesies were over in the blink of an eye. I haven't been to a baby shower in nearly 4 years! (And I haven't had one in 14).
Make sure you are keeping the real goal. Parenting is raising children to become adults that you want in your family. I for one, never have done it to be part of a special club, and would never intentionally make someone feel bad for not having kids... because I know what it feels like to feel inferior for having them! As impossible as that seems.
We women are horrible at supporting one another. Sisters, friends, mothers, daughters, co-workers, community members... Women are known for their jealousy and pettiness... Please keep that in mind, not just mothers!
I meant
I never equated motherhood with joining a sorority...
Hoping and praying that the next step of your journey is more fruitful.
Here are 2 posts from my own blog that mean a lot to me...
Stripping Away The Disguise
The Power Of Our Love
Welcome back, Jem. I didn't follow your private journey as I felt that it was just that, a private journey. But I thought of you and wished you well and I'm so glad to hear that things are on the mend and you're back in a good and open place.
I wasn't sure if you were looking for a post of my own or a post from someone else so I went with my own as I have too many favorites from others to whittle down right now. :)
Mine: http://elusiveembryo.blogspot.com/2010/06/colors-of-infertility.html
Wait, what? dIUI? How did I miss that?? YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so excited for you!
The night before my positive, my husband and I decided to move on to donor sperm. It was such a hard decision to reach, and I did feel bad for my husband, but it's also SO exciting!!!
I cannot wait for you to start! <3
Jem, I'm so glad you're back "public." I always have a hard time keeping up with password-protected blogs (they don't show up in my feed reader), and I enjoy reading your posts.
I hope your rough patch with Mr. Jem is past and that things will continue to improve. ;-)
Gosh, it's my first month of an ICLWer and every blog makes me tear up. I hope you and Mr. Jem the best. IF is hard on relationships. Good luck with your next steps. I used donor eggs last month and I'm currently prego with twins. Again, good luck!
love the new blog name! and love that you said motherhood, not pregnancy. i think after so many treatments and years, pregnancy can have a tendency to become the goal from my experience at least. kuddos for remembering what we are all ultimately hoping for at the end of this. cheering you along on your path!
::SQUEAL::
I'm so glad you're back! I missed you terribly. Thrilled to read that things are on the mend with Mr. Jem.
Take care!!!
I'm glad you have found counseling helpful, we did a bit and it did help us communicate better. Like you said, IF does a number on a marriage. Hope your IUI is succesful!
ICLW #69
Hello from ICLW! I am glad that you have found counseling helpful in your marriage. It is something that Mr. T and I are currently in the middle of getting in to because we communicate, well, we don't really I guess and so that is why we have been having such a hard time with stuff. There are so many posts from the last couple of days that have really hit home for me and I wish I had kept some of them open to share, but every blog I visit and every story I read has an impact on me. They all give me that extra glimmer of hope.
ICLW #114
Visiting from ICLW. I can relate to a lot of what from If to When is saying. I hate being stuck in a conversation with someone who has nothing to talk about besides their child. Especially if they go on and on about how "oops" they didn't even know they were pregnant. Ugh, as someone who has struggled with infertility that really makes me mad. Good luck with your donor IUI. I'm currently doing and IVF cycle with a donor egg so if you ever wonder what that's like, come visit me because that seems to be all I'm writing about these days.
welcome back Jem! missed you. glad you and hubby are on the mend and you are ready to move forward with a new outlook. yay for CD1!
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