Happy Belated ICLW

Happy ICLW!

Here's a quick recap of my IF story: Started ART last year. First fresh IVF cycle ended up in a chemical pregnancy. FET ended up in an ectopic. Two BFPs (more like small positives) that ended up in disappointment and heartbreak. We will be going for IVF #2 this cycle or next. Today is Cycle Day 1 minus 1. This Wednesday we have our second WTF appointment with Dr. W after being on a long break from TTC. Work has meant that I didn't have time for all the medical appointments, etc.

I'm writing late for ICLW as I'm just back from 7 days in Las Vegas. The first 5 were work, the rest was for fun with Mr. Jem. I am so happy to be back home, no matter how much fun was had. And it was had. Despite the white tiger - yes, boys and girl, they had the tiger as "entertainment" at the Awards banquet. The worst part was that you could hear it back stage, its claws against the Plexiglas of its cage. I had to leave the banquet room until after the act.

The conference and training went really, really well, but I'm very tired. I gave my colleague a pedometer and we tracked how much we walked each day - 8-10 miles per day!! Not counting the evenings!

In sum, Vegas was a blast, great food (I ate a $80 steak on night - delicious but I'm glad I didn't have to pay for it!), too much drink (can you tell I didn't take my 2WW too seriously), lots of fun with friends and colleagues. I even won almost $300 at craps (first time playing) and broke even at Blackjack (earning comps at the hotel, which is always fun). Mr. Jem and I had a lot of fun together. We went to a show _Defending the Caveman_ which is a one-man show about relationships. Excellent. I totally recommend it. It should be re-named _Defending_Marriage_  or _Defending the Differences between Men and Women_.

Vegas was fun, but not relaxing. It's totally over-stimulating. Luckily I don't have to be back to work until June 1, so I will catch up on my sleep, spend lots of quality time with Mr. Jem, the two kitties and enjoy my home. Oh, and blog! This month I intend on becoming an Iron Commentator.Wish me luck!

Love, Jem

M.I.A.

Just a quick note to let you know that I'm thinking of all you out there in cyberspace. My work has been super busy leaving me little to no time to blog. I feel bad about that, but will be back in full force at the start of the next cycle. Promise!

I appreciate the kind words of those of you who responded to my "What IF" post. I felt a bit self-conscious about it afterward, as most of the other "What IFs" were so different from mine. I guess this "break" from TTC has been wearing on me a bit. I feel inertia seeping into me. However, I'm two days away from my 40th birthday (Scary!!) and I'm feeling a little jet of motivation. Time to get things into gear!

Mr. Jem and I are planning to spend a couple of extra days in Las Vegas after my conference there in a couple of weeks. Should be fun. Then we'll fly home to SF for a week of stay-cation (and the WTF meeting w/ Dr. W on the 26th).

Okay, time to hit the hay! Nighty-night!

Jem

WTF canceled

I took your advice, oh wise readers, and canceled our WTF appointment for Thursday.

You are so right! A break aught to really be a break. I don't want to think about what to do next when I can't act on it until after mid-May. I want to climb back in my little cocoon of denial and just focus on other things. Namely, pain.

Not mental anguish, but the physical type. My left hip hurts. My left buttock, to be precise. Stabbing pain, with additional pain in my left knee. Seeing my chiropractor this afternoon.

Jem

Nothing...

... to report on TTC. We're officially on a break. Psychologically, it's a little bit like resigning myself to... I mean "trying out" living Child-free.

I don't like it.

Okay, I loved sleeping in to noon on Sunday. I didn't like this feeling that there's something major missing in my life. I don't care about being able to go shopping anytime I want. I don't care about just focusing on me. I want to focus on raising a child, I want to have a reason to cook a good dinner, a reason to sing a song, to make silly faces, to paint.

I know I don't have to have a child to do all those things. The fact is that without the focus of TTC, all the deficiencies of my life are standing out. Mr. Jem is annoying me - his lack of career focus, not following through with 2 of the 3 things he does around the house: dishes and vacuuming. His lack of fitness and energy is also bothering me. Okay, I have 25 lbs I need to lose, too.

The other obsession that has filled the space left open after IVF has been with my hair. I'm wearing it curly instead of blow-drying it straight each day. I wash it at night and add product (aloe vera gel is my go-to right now). The key is not to touch the hair as it dries, or it frizzes. I will post more about this later. Again, I'm totally obsessing on reading curly girl blogs and forum postings.

Okay, not exactly "NOTHING" going on. Just not really the right stuff.

Jem

Lucky 13

Got the call from the clinic and the results of my 13th beta is that my HCG is down to 1. Finally. At last!

The nurse said the sludge from last week was probably just a result of the MTX and the bleeding that started yesterday is my actual period. I should call if it goes on too long.

She said we need to wait a month before TTC. I'm actually okay with that. I'll be glad to really have a break from all this pressure. Except the part of me that is impatient to get to this baby-making, already!

Ambivalence strikes again!

Jem