Just a quick note to let you know that I'm thinking of all you out there in cyberspace. My work has been super busy leaving me little to no time to blog. I feel bad about that, but will be back in full force at the start of the next cycle. Promise!
I appreciate the kind words of those of you who responded to my "What IF" post. I felt a bit self-conscious about it afterward, as most of the other "What IFs" were so different from mine. I guess this "break" from TTC has been wearing on me a bit. I feel inertia seeping into me. However, I'm two days away from my 40th birthday (Scary!!) and I'm feeling a little jet of motivation. Time to get things into gear!
Mr. Jem and I are planning to spend a couple of extra days in Las Vegas after my conference there in a couple of weeks. Should be fun. Then we'll fly home to SF for a week of stay-cation (and the WTF meeting w/ Dr. W on the 26th).
Okay, time to hit the hay! Nighty-night!
Jem
Showing posts with label What If Project. Show all posts
Showing posts with label What If Project. Show all posts
Monday, May 3, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
What if...
I must admit I ignored Mel's post about the What IF Project because I thought I wouldn't have anything to add. Then I saw this video by Keiko at Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed (go view it if you haven't yet. Go now! This blog will wait for you! I promise!) and was moved to write.
Here goes in true "ambivalent womb" style...
What if...
...I get pregnant (again) and actually have a baby? It will mean my entire life will change in ways I can't even imagine. This scares me. Not because I selfishly want to sleep in on weekends, or anything stoopid like that. The fact is I have no idea what my life will look like with a baby in it.
...If I'm like those reality show contestants on The_Bachelor who claim they are looking for true love, but just want to "win" the man/game. What if I just want a baby because I can't have one?
... I abandon my baby, like my own mom did when I was 3? She claims she left because she needed to "find herself" - whatever that means.
...we adopt and the child is the 'bad seed' - I have an adopted cousin who as a teenager set fire to a church. Years later he and his girlfriend ended up OD'ing and dying with their baby in the crib by their bed. Then there was the woman who put her adopted son back on a plane to Russia (click here for more).
...I'd actually be happier living "child-free"
...having a baby would destroy my marriage.
...I'm a bad mom.
...I can't afford / take care of the baby?
and...
What if...
...Our ART efforts fail and I never experience carrying a baby to term?
...I never get to feel the weight of a baby in my arms?
... a child never runs into my arms?
... a child's face never lights up when s/he seems me?
... no one ever calls me "Mom?"
... I never dance at my own child's wedding? or hold a grandchild?
... I die alone?
Oy vey, now I'm depressed....
Jem
Here goes in true "ambivalent womb" style...
What if...
...I get pregnant (again) and actually have a baby? It will mean my entire life will change in ways I can't even imagine. This scares me. Not because I selfishly want to sleep in on weekends, or anything stoopid like that. The fact is I have no idea what my life will look like with a baby in it.
...If I'm like those reality show contestants on The_Bachelor who claim they are looking for true love, but just want to "win" the man/game. What if I just want a baby because I can't have one?
... I abandon my baby, like my own mom did when I was 3? She claims she left because she needed to "find herself" - whatever that means.
...we adopt and the child is the 'bad seed' - I have an adopted cousin who as a teenager set fire to a church. Years later he and his girlfriend ended up OD'ing and dying with their baby in the crib by their bed. Then there was the woman who put her adopted son back on a plane to Russia (click here for more).
...I'd actually be happier living "child-free"
...having a baby would destroy my marriage.
...I'm a bad mom.
...I can't afford / take care of the baby?
and...
What if...
...Our ART efforts fail and I never experience carrying a baby to term?
...I never get to feel the weight of a baby in my arms?
... a child never runs into my arms?
... a child's face never lights up when s/he seems me?
... no one ever calls me "Mom?"
... I never dance at my own child's wedding? or hold a grandchild?
... I die alone?
Oy vey, now I'm depressed....
Jem
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