dIUI: 8dpIUI - flip of the coin

I can't decide if I should feel hopeful or not about this cycle. Am I PG? Or not? Part of me just wants to decide in my head one way or the other and just act as if...

I've been more in the "act as if I'm not" camp lately. Not that I'm drinking wine and coffee. I decided earlier in the 2WW to go ahead and exercise - not run a marathon, but go to the gym and get my heart rate up (not above 140 tho). During my IVFs, it was like walking on egg shells. This time I'm just living life.

The other reason I'm taking the "act as if I'm not" approach is that I've always lowered my expectations so I won't be so disappointed. Until IF, this has worked very well for me. I would work hard, do everything I could to make something happen (apply to colleges, jobs, etc.) and then basically offer up to the universe "Do whatever is best for me" with the caveat "Including something I might not have thought of myself."

IF just proves how little control we do have over our lives, our situations. We had no control about which families we were born into. Often our lives are mapped out for us by our family situations and expectations.  Whether we get a raise or not is not up to us, someone else has to make the decision, put the money in the budget, recognize our talents.

I have two cheap dollar-store HPT at home, but Mr. Jem doesn't want me to POAS. Our beta is on Sunday. Only thing keeping me from testing is the heartbreak of a negative.

So, my questions for you, dear readers. are: Do you POAS? What type of HPT do you use?

~Jem

2dpIUI: blank canvas

Nothing really to report today. I feel fine. No symptoms except sore b00bs. Started Progesterone suppositories (vaginally) last night. 

Been in a major de-cluttering mode. Sunday I cleared out my dresser and only put back things I wear and love. Yesterday it was the bathroom cabinet and my make-up box. I still want to do under the sink, which is jammed with hair products, feminine products, etc. I like to think of myself as "nesting" (ha! so early!?!). The partial truth is that the Resolve women are coming over to the house tonight I am super motivated to clean. That's the major benefit to having people over. I also use the "Flylady" method for keeping my house uncluttered and clean. If you haven't, check her out!

How do you keep yourself distracted during your 2WW?

~Jem

1dpIUI: Post IUI sadness

I had major uterine cramping yesterday afternoon, which the doc warned me might happen. Seems if you shove something up your cervix and in to your uterus, the body reacts. I don't blame it at all. Quite a violation. Physically I'm feeling much less bloated than yesterday - I did have close to 20 follicles ripening in there. And the cramping has disappeared this morning. I'm actually looking forward to hitting the gym after work today.

I was hoping that Mr. Jem and I would have some intimate time yesterday, to consummate this baby-making thing. Only he was in a pissy mood all day. We finally talked around 10:00 p.m. - post Jem emotional (hormonal?) breakdown, tears and all. The truth is that it totally bums him out to be using donor sperm. While he accepts that's what we need to do, hearing the sperm count of our donor (32 million swimmers) was a real blow. I can totally understand. However, it's hard for me to understand unless he actually TELLS me what's going on, rather than avoiding me, avoiding discussion and watching sports to escape. Luckily we did have that talk and now we're back to feeling close again.

Tomorrow I'm hosting my local RESOLVE meeting, as the regular leader is cycling (her 4th or 5th IVF) and needs the month off. I'm really looking forward to having the ladies over.

If you are in your 2WW, raise your hands (proudly)!

All the best,

~Jem

Beta Day

The deed is done. I had my blood drawn at 6:15 a.m. 

I slept like shit. First, I couldn't find my iPod. I usually fall asleep listening to Circle + Bloom, or another meditation tape or a favorite podcast. Alas, I couldn't find the darn machine, so I read until 11:45 p.m. (a Hamish McBeth mystery). 

Speaking of podcasts, Mr. Jem and I went yesterday to the SF Sketchfest performance of the Sklarbro Country Podcast. Awesome. I love those guys. I laughed and laughed. Totally the best thing to do the last day of a 2WW. I even got a t-shirt signed by the twins! They are so cute, I just wanted to fold them up and put them in my pocket and take them home with me!

Last night I was woken multiple times by Mr. Jem's snoring, finally retiring to the guest room (your future nursery) to find some peace and quiet and cuddle with the cat, Sharky. I woke at 5:20 a.m. and then 5:40 and then was up to rush over the lab that opens the earliest in the area. Luckily, there wasn't a line so I was in and out in 10 minutes.

Now the true waiting begins. It was a STAT order, so Dr. Z will have the results in 4 hours. I don't know how they do things at his clinic - when they actually will call, so here's the plan for the rest of the day:

Work on a project I have due on Wednesday - I  have been procrastinating and will feel good putting in a couple hours of work, even on my day off. Really, I'll feel better.

Mr. Jem and I will then drive into the City and have lunch at a really nice restaurant that I've been wanting to go to for a while (I got a Group.on deal there and need to use the coupon). We'll meet my Aunt, who I love very much. She recently got diagnosed with Celiac Disease. They say it can be hereditary... during my recent food sensitivity test I wasn't sensitive to wheat.

After lunch, Mr. Jem and I plan on going to a museum, either this one, this one, or this one.

Hopefully we'll hear from the clinic by 2:00 p.m. I'll post results as soon as I can.

~Jem (still not peeing on sticks)

9dp5dt: Nope

Nope, I'm not testing, that is. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not. Testing won't change this. So I'm NOT going to test today and just wait for my beta tomorrow. As Genevieve commented on my last post, I want to hang on to the "I'm pregnant" thing for as long as possible (even if I'm not convinced and won't be until I hear the results tomorrow).

Nope. No HPT or POAS for me.

Instead, Mr. Jem and I are going to the City to see the Sklar Brothers perform as part of the SF Sketchfest. Thought a little humor might be a good way to spend this rainy afternoon.

~Jem

8dp5dt: Panic

Folks, I think I'm having a panic attack. I have shortness of breath, and my brain is going a million miles a minute/ I feel like my hands are shaking and I'm grumpy and snapping at the mister for no reason. 

Just two more sleeps until beta and I'm going out of my mind!!!

So here's my question for you all: To pee on a stick or not. 

How many of you do pee before beta? If you do, how soon? My acupuncturist warned me that if I test today it could give me a false negative and I should wait until tomorrow. I see so many blogs where people start testing at trigger and don't stop. I've always thought that POAS was a the devil.

What would you do?

~Jem

7dp5dt: Pom

Dear readers, last night I had acupuncture (she said my pulses were good) and fell asleep on the couch after gorging myself on gluten-free pepperoni and mushroom pizza from an amazing pizzeria near the acu appointment. I did not take the time to practice my guitar (I'll post about that tomorrow).

The purpose of this post is to share with you a piece of art that has special meaning to me. Here it is.

This is a watercolor by my very talented mother. She's lives up in Oregon, but visits often. She's heading down for 2 months in Mexico. I'll miss being able to call her every day like I currently do. Thank goodness for Skype.

Four sleeps until beta day!

~Jem

10dp3dt: the wait continues

Thanks to everyone for the great comments. Yes, it does seem like the longest 2WW in history. Nothing new to report except I forgot to take my estradriol again yesterday morning and had to take it at 6pm when I got home (not good) and then again at 10pm after my PIO shot. Feeling like an airhead.

I didn't end up going to the Resolve meeting. Mr. Jem encouraged me to stay home as he was concerned that the meeting might be too depressing and I need to keep things positive (literally!! No pun intended!). So I stayed home and snuggled with him on the couch and watched The Bachellor.ette. I really wanted to go because I believe it's important to give and get support in many ways. At the same time, I agreed with Mr. Jem and it was best for me to just take it easy yesterday.

I got a good night's sleep, except when I woke I discovered I had a gazillion mosquito bites on my shoulder. All on top of each other so it's an itchy mess. I just checked with the clinic to see what I can use topically to stop the itching that is safe. Seems it's Bene.dryl cream. Gonna run out and buy some as soon as this is posted.

Hard to believe in close to 24 hours the wait will be over! I"ll be working from home tomorrow so I don't have to be a big mess at work as I wait.

~Jem

4dp3dt - equilibrium

I'm back at work, enjoying being here - especially as we are going into a 3-day weekend.

I am still feeling zen, a little detached from this whole process after giving up yesterday (no, not in a total defeatist, throw me into the ocean way, just a throw my hands up and surrender way).

It makes me a little boring with not much to report. I am totally enjoying reading and posting on other people's blogs, tho!

All the best to all of you out there in IF land (and beyond).

~Jem

R&R

Here's proof that I'm taking it easy for the second day running, as the doctor ordered. That's Sharky and my right foot! Mr. Jem did an amazing job yesterday taking care of me. He even cooked dinner last night (gasp!). He grilled chicken, steamed broccoli and defrosted that wonderful TJ's frozen brown rice. Very healthy food for our babies! 

Thank you, Mr. Jem!

I'm reading lots of blogs and so grateful for all the support and love of this community.

Thank you Bloggy Community!

~Jem (feeling very grateful)

Non-ART 2WW

Just back to SF from a couple of days in Dallas for work. Officially in my two week wait, non-ART style. Chances of getting PG very low, but you never know!

Lots of work and more travel ahead...

Jem