Outrageous Fertile comment of the month (updated)

Yesterday, office birthday bash. I'm cutting the cake. A woman, who I thought was my friend, is giving me hard time about how I'm cutting the cake. I rib her back until this comment:

Her: "You don't know how to cut cake, you don't have any kids."

Me: Really?

Inside I'm thinking, "Thanks for rubbing it in, be-atch. I told you we are working on it. Thank you soooooooooo much!"

***

Other fertility horror story: I seem to have roped myself into hosting a friend's baby shower on Saturday. The woman who was supposed to host has the flu and bad. Last weekend I casually volunteered to host if she didn't feel better in time. Unfortunately, she's not feeling better. That will learn me for being nice.

What have I done?!!!!!!! I must be insane!!!!!!!!!

BTW, anyone have any good baby shower games that aren't too inane or demeaning? I really, really need your help here!

Jem

Update:

Thanks for all the excellent ideas. My first instinct was "no games, but I think I will include some sort of game because it's a group of women who gather regularly to play games (Bananagrams, Boggle, Scrabble, etc.). I really like the ideas from Classy Chaos that lis suggested. Who doesn't like Mad Libs?!

I also think it will be good for me to have some sort of activity I can concentrate on that won't have me fixating on this woman's baby bump.

Only one of my friends IRL who will be there know about our TTC and ART. I'd like to keep it that way.

Good news: My HCG is down to 28 and I've been given the green light to drink 2 weeks after my MTX injection, which will be Saturday! I've never had Bourbon Slush, but it sounds divine. I haven't met a bottle of Bourbon I haven't like - big fan of the Old Fashioned and the Manhattan...

Lowering Betas

I realized I never posted my Saturday beta... but that's understandable as we had Grandma's memorial on Saturday and I was busy with family all weekend.

HCG was down to 61. I have one more beta on Thursday morning. Hopefully it will be back to zero. Started spotting today. My goodness, the end is actually here. Can you believe it? I had my first beta on January 16, over a month ago.

Yesterday I cried like a baby... uh, no, that's the wrong image. I'd LOVE a crying baby around. I cried. Period. Cried for my lost embies, lost opportunities. Cried for my grandma, cried for myself - I will miss her so much. I saw her every week. I would have dinner with her and her dear friend, Rose, a 104-y-o woman in a wheel chair. I cried because I was afraid my mom wouldn't come down to visit me anymore (she came often to see her mother). I cried and cried.

No surprise when the spotting came early this morning. I was so pre-menstrual last night. Actually, I spent the past month in a state of premenstrual cramping and moodiness. Waiting for my beta to go down. Waiting. And waiting. Yes, it's a relief it's over, a relief and sucky. I actually went online to one of those beta tracking sites to check if Dr. W was right and the PG wasn't viable (it wasn't; Dr. W was right).

The memorial for grandma was beautiful. Started with a clarinetist from the SF Symphony playing Bach. Then my aunt did a slide show of pictures and narrative of my grandma's life, from her father's flight from czarist Russia to Argentina, his attempt to walk to America from South America, how he met Great-grandma... to grandma's birth in NYC, her marriages, the birth of my mother and aunt, move to California, jobs, divorce, political activism, friends, music (she played piano), grandchildren. Then people got up to speak about her. The entire room was filled with laughter and love for this 96-year-old woman who was so happy, filled with life and vitality. Yes, her light was fading at the end, before her fall. But she was so much fun. Until last year, she regularly beat me at Scrab.ble. She loved doing crossword puzzles with Mr. Jem, who she loved (and teased) like a grandchild. It makes me smile to type these words.

You all are now updated on my life. I have been quiet lately, reading lots of blogs, commenting when I could. I'm true to my blog name - ambivalent feelings about all the BFP announcements online. I'm genuinely happy for the women who have been through so much and are finally seeing results. AND it makes me sad, jealous, cranky, like a total beatch for being jealous. Such is life.

Thank you all for all the support and kind words. I am truly appreciative(no ambivalence there).

Beta results (updated)

Nurse just called. HCG is down to 102!!! It's bittersweet. Happy to see it down finally. Unhappy to be happy about a falling beta.

Jem

Update: Northern lights: I wish I could have a Pastis. With shot of doom I'm not allowed alcohol for 2-3 weeks. Talk about adding insult to injury! I'll just have to eat some French food and think of our time in Paris! Hey, "we'll always have Paris" won't we?

Beta #11 (or is it 12?)

Still waiting for the clinic to call me back with the result of this morning's beta. If it doesn't go down, I'm not sure what I'll do. This is just ridiculous! Okay, I'm working myself up over nothing. I don't know what the results are yet. Of course, it was 4 weeks ago that I got my first beta. Time flies, huh? (note sarcasm!)

I'll update later.

Jem

Metho.trexate #2

After waiting for 30 minutes to be called back to the u/s room, I had my Metho.trexate shot #2 administered. Damn, those shots hurt. I'll never complain about PIO again - okay, maybe I will.

I had to wait in the room for 15 minutes after the injections (yes, there are two, one in each cheek) to make sure I was okay. I just lay on the table and cried. Cried because I should be carrying a regular, healthy fetus by now, not getting ANOTHER shot of toxic medication meant to stop embryonic tissue from growing. It's so counter-intuitive, so wrong!

I WANT a baby to grow in me.

Clearly my body wants to be pregnant and is holding on. I have to keep reminding myself that this is not my baby, that my baby will come.

I had to tell my boss what was going on, as I missed half a day of work on Friday. He was just relieved that there was nothing life-threatening going on with me, plus, he made me smile as we were leaving the conference room where we were talking - he said, "Jem, I'm so excited for you!" It made me remember the hope and longing I do have to become a mother. Hope I've had to push and cram into a small part of my heart as I'm dealing with this pregnancy that was not meant to be.

What did annoy me was that he went on a bit about how basically I need to take a break from treatment because we're starting the really busy time of the year at work - I am in the training department of a very large company and we are preparing for our annual sales conference, preparing 12 hours of training for our sales force. I know I need to have my head in the game and all, but didn't need to hear it from him.

Needless to say, Mr. Jem and I had already decided to wait a while until we start treatment again. First to see if we can get Mr. Jem's sperm count up and see if we can conceive "naturally" and second, so we can both concentrate on work for a while.

So, now I'm just taking it easy, taking care of Mr. Jem who has the flu. Hoping I don't feel sick from the Metho.trexate (diarrhea, headache, stomach cramps, dizziness, and nausea - fun!).

Other than all that crap, as well as mourning my grandma's passing, I'm actually doing fine. I've decided to wear my hear curly these days - It's fun to play with maximizing my natural curls, rather than straightening them everyday.

Miracle ectopic pregnancy becomes twins! (Updated)

Okay, not exactly.

Seems my pregnancy isn't ectopic. Today I had an u/s and Dr. W saw a spot that looks like a tiny sac, so it seems my pregnancy was in the ute, but so slow growing to not be normal.

(The animal part of my brain cried out, "you killed my baby, Dr. W!" even thought I know the embryo couldn't be normal as it doubling time was a week, rather than 48 hours.)

Still waiting for the results of my HCG. Hopefully the number will finally be coming down.

As I left, and needed to pay, the woman at the desk said, "Oh, you're having twins?!"

"I beg your pardon?!!" was my response.

"Dr. W marked 'U/S with 2 sacs' ...

I just started laughing. "Um, no. We thought it was ectopic, but he did see one tiny empty sac today."

Great! My pregnancy went from ectopic to a multiple in the blink of an eye! If only it was that easy!

Jem

Update: HCG is 294. Have to have a CBC done tonight and go back to the clinic tomorrow for a nurse to re-administer the Metho.trexate. Oh joy (not so much).

R.I.P. Grandma

Grandma passed at 12:30 a.m. early this morning. My aunt was with her when she died. Earlier that evening a group of friends of my aunts came to her hospital room and sang to her. They do this often to help people pass. I'm sorry I missed this, as I was told it was a moving moment.

I am so sad that she's gone, but also happy that she didn't linger in pain.

Thanks again to you all for your support.

Jem

P.S. My apologies for not being a good commenter lately. I haven't even read any blogs lately.