Lowering Betas

I realized I never posted my Saturday beta... but that's understandable as we had Grandma's memorial on Saturday and I was busy with family all weekend.

HCG was down to 61. I have one more beta on Thursday morning. Hopefully it will be back to zero. Started spotting today. My goodness, the end is actually here. Can you believe it? I had my first beta on January 16, over a month ago.

Yesterday I cried like a baby... uh, no, that's the wrong image. I'd LOVE a crying baby around. I cried. Period. Cried for my lost embies, lost opportunities. Cried for my grandma, cried for myself - I will miss her so much. I saw her every week. I would have dinner with her and her dear friend, Rose, a 104-y-o woman in a wheel chair. I cried because I was afraid my mom wouldn't come down to visit me anymore (she came often to see her mother). I cried and cried.

No surprise when the spotting came early this morning. I was so pre-menstrual last night. Actually, I spent the past month in a state of premenstrual cramping and moodiness. Waiting for my beta to go down. Waiting. And waiting. Yes, it's a relief it's over, a relief and sucky. I actually went online to one of those beta tracking sites to check if Dr. W was right and the PG wasn't viable (it wasn't; Dr. W was right).

The memorial for grandma was beautiful. Started with a clarinetist from the SF Symphony playing Bach. Then my aunt did a slide show of pictures and narrative of my grandma's life, from her father's flight from czarist Russia to Argentina, his attempt to walk to America from South America, how he met Great-grandma... to grandma's birth in NYC, her marriages, the birth of my mother and aunt, move to California, jobs, divorce, political activism, friends, music (she played piano), grandchildren. Then people got up to speak about her. The entire room was filled with laughter and love for this 96-year-old woman who was so happy, filled with life and vitality. Yes, her light was fading at the end, before her fall. But she was so much fun. Until last year, she regularly beat me at Scrab.ble. She loved doing crossword puzzles with Mr. Jem, who she loved (and teased) like a grandchild. It makes me smile to type these words.

You all are now updated on my life. I have been quiet lately, reading lots of blogs, commenting when I could. I'm true to my blog name - ambivalent feelings about all the BFP announcements online. I'm genuinely happy for the women who have been through so much and are finally seeing results. AND it makes me sad, jealous, cranky, like a total beatch for being jealous. Such is life.

Thank you all for all the support and kind words. I am truly appreciative(no ambivalence there).

R.I.P. Grandma

Grandma passed at 12:30 a.m. early this morning. My aunt was with her when she died. Earlier that evening a group of friends of my aunts came to her hospital room and sang to her. They do this often to help people pass. I'm sorry I missed this, as I was told it was a moving moment.

I am so sad that she's gone, but also happy that she didn't linger in pain.

Thanks again to you all for your support.

Jem

P.S. My apologies for not being a good commenter lately. I haven't even read any blogs lately.

Grandma Report 2

Grandma is resting comfortably. There's nothing medical to be done now, except to make her comfortable. That's code for lots of morph.ine.

She smiled at me briefly on Thursday when I came in the room, but has been unconscious since. Her breathing has become labored. My mom flew down from Oregon so the whole family is gathered around her to say goodbye.

I had an hour yesterday alone with her while others were running errands. It was wonderful to just hold her hand and tell her how much I love her and to thank her for being the source of so much love, support, good humor, intellectual curiosity.

(I can't believe two post with no mention of IF - it's a relief not to be navel-gazing and contemplating my bareness, but to celebrating the wonderful life of a 96-y-o woman, being there for her and for my family!)

Jem

Grandma Report

My wonderful grandma is doing worse. They are not talking about surgery for her fractured hip, but hospice. This makes me very, very sad. Okay, she's 96, but I want her to live! Yes, she's had a great life. Many of my most happy childhood memories are from when I would visit her each summer. She would spoil me (relative term, we were dirt poor, so she bought me new school clothes) and love me up!

I know I keep anonymous, but here's a picture of me and Grandma last year at her 95 birthday party.


Please pray for her, that she find peace (oops, I typed peach the first time!).

Please also take a moment to think about/call/thank the women in your life who bring/brought you joy.

Jem