Unconditional love

In August of 2009 I started this blog with my very first post. 

This has been an amazing venue for me to vent my feelings, both the positive and the negative, for me to pour my heart out, to celebrate accomplishments and to grieve. The beauty is that this wasn't happening in a vacuum, but among people who understand.

165 posts later I'm embarking on my second IVF. I can safely say that I couldn't have made it so far without the support and love of all the people in the IF blogosphere, this great community informally headed up by our beloved Lollipop Goldstein at Stirrup Queens.

The comments, the love, the support has sustained me. And I'm not just talking about your comments here, but the fact that I could read about your stories, hear about your victories, learn about your sorrows. That I could provide the encouragement, the support, the shoulder to cry on has meant the world to me.

That said, it can be overwhelming. That's where I was yesterday when I was thinking about how hard it can be to see PG women, to read about the BFP. Then I read Adventures in Baby Waiting's post today which I suspect was in response to my blog yesterday. Here's how she closed the post:

"I am making a promise:

I am going to support every blogger on the side of my blog until they complete their dream-whether that be a pregnancy, adoption or another way of life that suits them. Whatever the dream, I want to support it. If you would like your name added to the side of my blog let me know, I am happy to do so."

Here's part of my comment on her blog:

"I too want to support everyone out there in this amazing community, no matter what - PG, adoption, living child-free. It still makes reading about and commenting on PG difficult, and that's what I was trying to express in my blog. I was "girding my loins" to prepare for this cycle.

I will keep supporting you and appreciate all the support you have given me. Thank you for being my friend."

The love is definitely unconditional! It is that unconditional love that makes this community so strong. I stand strong with you all! Unconditionally loving you and being loved.

Job Opportunity

I just stumbled upon a job opportunity that I'm very interested in pursuing within my current company. It has its pluses and minuses, but it would mean more money and a bonus, which I'm not eligible for at my current pay grade. 

Of course, I'm hesitating to apply because I'm just starting IVF #2 and "might be pregnant" soon. My current job is pretty easy after so many years doing it. I have flexible hours and can work from home when I need to.

If I wasn't dealing with IF, this would not be an issue. Yet another sacrifice to the alter that is IF.

So, should I apply for this new, high pressure job? Would I regret NOT applying? What to do?

Jem

Getting ready to stim...

I stopped drinking coffee before the start of this cycle - followed by a hellish week of headaches. Since then I've been drinking black tea only. Now I decided no caffeine and have switched to decaf tea. I have such a whopper of a headache. I just want to crawl into bed and die. I do want to clear out the caffeine before I get started with stimming on Friday.

Mentally I've also been getting ready. I've noticed that I've not been able to read certain blogs lately, mostly IF'ers who have gotten knocked up. Love you guys, but, except for a couple of PG blogs, I can't read about pregnancy symptoms or sleepless nights right now. Or about baby showers. I just feel super protective. I hope to be able to read them again soon. I'm also having trouble reading about recent loss. It's like I am naturally gravitating towards blogs / women who are starting an IVF cycle now, like me. My mind can't absorb the joy or the pain of other bloggers' BFP's or BFNs.

How about you? What type of blogs are you reading and does it correspond to where you are in this process?

Jem

HSG = that bad

Yesterday's HSG was worse than I expected, but mercifully fast. 

First of all, they had to use a smaller speculum (really?) after trying a regular one, but after that was shoved up there, my cervix numbed, then the real fun began as the inflexible catheter was rammed in and the dye injected. It was extremely uncomfortable. Okay, it hurt. For about 2 minutes. Luckily, the dye went through my fallopian tubes with no trouble and dumped out the other side. 

All clear!

And then it was over and the offending catheter and speculum were removed and all was good with the world again.

I did take the Val.ium, which helped, as did the acupuncture treatment before then. Mr. Jem droves us home and took a nap. There was some bleeding after, and blue dye. Luckily it's all a blurry memory at this point and Dr. W called to tell me we were all good to go with my stims on Friday. Oh, joy!

Oh, and my baseline sonogram went well, too. I had that in the morning. All was quiet down there.

Jem

A is for Anxiety

V is for the _Valium_ that Dr. W just OK'd and that I will take before my HSG on Monday, to deal with the anxiety. Thanks to all of you who posted your HSG stories. I will be sure to post mine!

Other big progress today:

1) I ordered my meds for this cycle through _Freedom_Fertility_Pharmacy. They were super nice on the phone. Out of pocket costs: $1,220.54 for my 30% co-pay.

2) Talked to the billing woman at the clinic today. We have a $10K lifetime max for infertility with my insurance, which will max out half-way through the cycle. Our out of pocket will be $377.82 towards the co-pay on what's covered, then $3,640 for the ICSI, and the embryo transfer with ultrasound. We knew this day would come, but still!

So, if my math is correct, our out-of-pocket is shaping up to be: $5,238.36, plus I'm sure we'll have extra amounts for Mr. Jem's Levo_quin, the _Valium, betas, etc.

3) I gave my boss a calendar showing which days I'll be in the office, when I expect to be in late, when I'll be on PTO (Paid Time off) and when I'll be working from home. He was glad to have that information and was sympathetic without giving any more assvice - he ended the conversation with a simple, "Good luck, Jem!"

This is feeling more and more real.

Jem

Test results

Here's where a negative is a good thing! Everything came back normal, except my cholesterol, which is high. Iron is good, FSH = 7.8 (anything below 10 is good, meaning ovarian reserve is still OK). The Recurrent Pregnancy Panel tests are normal, too. We are still waiting for the Karyotype results which should arrive June 11 or so.

I'm a little worried about my HSG next week - Here's a link to an explanation of what it is, for those who are curious.. Considering how much my embryo transfers hurt... anyone care to share their HSG stories?

Jem

Back at work

Re: IF - nothing to report. Taking BCPs until Sunday.

It's weird to be back in my cube, on the 22nd floor of a skyscraper, downtown San Francisco. I do have a lovely view of the bay from my cube.

All I want to do is go home an take a nap.

Jem