More horrors...

... in the press.

Continuing our stories of babies being stolen, check out this article about a trial going on in Argentina. Based on the efforts of "the Grandmothers," former dictators Jorge Rafael Videla and Reynaldo Bignone face life sentences if convicted of kidnapping children of "disappeared" political prisoners decades ago.

The defendants claim it's a leftist plot, but the Grandmothers have DNA proof that these children were stolen and that there was a systematic plan to steal the babies of political prisoners.

How crazy is that?

(I am I bumming you out with my articles? If so, sorry. The word can be a nasty place)

~Jem

coasting

Nothing to report... just coasting. And thinking of you, sending good thoughts to all of you who are cycling, and peace to those of you who are not (like me).

I special message to my IRL friend Poppet, who is attending the funeral of a dear friend today. My heart is with  you and your family and your friend's family, sweetie! (Oh, and rock that LBD, honey!)

~Jem

Bad press is bad press

Stumbled upon this article today in the local rag about a group of women rescued from a "baby farm" where they were tricked into being surrogate mothers, and then raped. 

What is this world coming to? And how could people stoop so low to take advantage of both the "surrogate mothers" and the unsuspecting, IF families, so desperate for a baby?

Makes me think how far am I willing to go to get a baby. I'm not talking about anything illegal, like knocking over a bank, but what am I willing to sacrifice, what lengths am I going to go to be a mom? 

What about you?

~Jem

Black hole

Just a quick note to tell you I'm doing better today. No time to moping about. Work is crazy busy and I'm scrambling to dig myself out of the IVF+death-in-the-family hole I'm in.

That's a black hole and represents how behind I am at work and the mood I've been in the past week.

~Jem

Blame Game (updated twice)

I'm mad. Mad at the world. Mad at my RE(s). Mad at my reproductive failures. Mad at Mr. Jem.

I know none of it is personal. The world isn't out to get me. My RE(s) all want the best for me. My reproductive failures are simple biology. Mr. Jem is just coping.

Except it's been 7 years of this. Of excuses. Of him needing time to "find himself, to figure out what he wants to do." Of lonely nights, lack of romance. Even when I tell him days in advance "Mr. Jem, this weekend I'll be ovulating." - NOTHING!!

Yes, we get along well most of the time. Yes, he gets me, he supports me emotionally. I'm mad it's been well over a year and he hasn't launched this business venture he's been working on and it doesn't appear he will any time soon.

My life is getting up before 6 am, taking an hour train into SF, working 8 hours, then another hour to get home, then I make dinner, then I have to beg Mr. Jem to clean up. We watch tv and then I go to bed.  I can't think of the last time we had any intimate time together. Okay, we just went through IVF and then Mr. Jem's dad died. But this is a pattern. There's often an excuse why he's not in the mood, sick, whatever. We don't even kiss anymore really. It's like I'm just there and I feel so taken for granted. Yes, he thanks me for going to work each day.

Am I just a huge door mat? Why am I in this situation where I'm supporting my husband (again - I already put him through graduate school)? I feel like such a fool.

One night last week I came home from work (a stressful day) and dinner was on the table when I got home. I cried tears of gratitude. Not that Mr. Jem had cooked dinner. Mr. Jem's mom had made dinner (she was staying with us for the week).

I'm  not sure what to do. I keep asking (nicely) for what I want, for what I need. I don't know if he can deliver. And I'm not just talking about the baby thing. I recognized that's out of our control. I'm talking about him making money, getting into shape, being good to himself, really working hard, really DOING. He's just so up in his head, over-analyzing everything. It drives me mad!

MAD! I tell you!!!

Okay, thanks for listening and letting me vent. Clearly I need to go to therapy. Only I don't want to go back to my old therapist. I feel she let me down by not really giving me the guidance I need.

~Jem

Update: Just a quick clarification: Mr. Jem is in therapy. He does analysis three times a week. He's also on anti-depressants (and has been for years) and has been diagnosed with low testosterone by his doctor (haven't been able to treat the low testosterone since we were trying to produce sperm).


Counseling has helped things between us, but the essentials are just not up to snuff. I'm very frustrated and sad about it.

Update #2: And then suddenly, at 4:00 p.m. I wasn't mad anymore. I just missed him. We talked on the phone, pledged to talk more, spend time together this weekend to talk about our losses, to mourn our last IVF, to keep communicating... a good step.

I'm feeling so much better now.

February 2011 ICLW

Hello ICLW'ers!

If you want to know what ICLW is, click here.

If you are new to my blog, here's my story in a nut-shell:

I'm 40 years old and an IVF veteran, having just completed our third IVF. When we started in 2009 we were diagnosed as sever male-factor (25K count was our highest count), and told IVF was our only option. The first IVF and FET ended in chemical pregnancies. IVF#2? BFN. We then changed clinics and did much more immunological testing and treatment. IVF#3 resulted in another BFN, despite having transferred two chromosomally normal embryos. We had no frozen embryos.

Less than a week after our BFN, we got a call saying Mr. Jem's father had passed. We're still reeling from all the losses, licking our wounds. We're not sure what to do next.

Thanks for visiting my blog.

~Jem

Gloom and doom

I'm not just talking about my mood. The weather here in San Francisco is down right stormy. And I like it! I love a good rain storm. Yesterday it hailed and I felt like cheering.

That said, I wish I could take some anti-depressants, because I do feel down. At a commenter's suggestion, I did go.ogle "adoption seminars" for my area. I will schedule something for next week or the week after. I have to have some thing to "do" to remedy this "child-free" thing. I can't not have children. I can't live with the idea of never having grandchildren.

~Jem