How do you mourn your loss?

Friday was crap, more crap with a little whipped cream and cherry on top.

The crap: I got my period.

More crap: I got a cold.

Whipped cream and cherry on top: I had a wonderful session with my therapist, Rose. Caught her up on our IF saga. Used up half a box of tissues telling her of my two IVF transfers, one fresh, on frozen. Of my two chemical pregnancies. Of my wallowing in self-pity, my self-blame (where she didn't want me to go. At all). Of my deep sorrow.

She then said, "Jem, you were pregnancy. Your body was pregnant. It registered this pregnancy in your body. You lost two babies. You are morning these losses. What have you and Mr. Jem done as a ritual to say goodbye to these babies?"

My answer: "We haven't done anything."

Tears just flowed down my face, as they do right now as I type these words.

I brought it up with Mr. Jem. We want to have some sort of ceremony, light candles, say prayers, something to honor these little souls that were not brought into our lives. We want to show how we lived them, how we miss them. We want to recognize how they would have been welcome here, but it was not there time.

What have you done to mourn your loss(es)? What rituals have you done? Do you have remembrance charms for a necklace? Please share your stories and/or ideas.

Doing better...

...until I received an email from the Alumnae magazine from my prestigious, East Coast, liberal arts college asking alumnae news:

"Your classmates would love to hear about you, so please share your news. Photos are welcome too- just be sure to send a caption with everyone's name and class year (if applicable) listed."

Here you go, snooty college - here's my announcement:

"Jem and Mr. Jem have been unable to conceive a baby on their own and attempted IVF this quarter. She produced 26 eggs, and 5 excellent embryos (see picture above). Unfortunately, even though 2 implanted, neither were viable, leaving her and Mr. Jem completely crushed. She's been in contact with dear friends X, Y, and Z, who are all able to conceive (two with some extra medical help). She'd love to hear from other classmates whose hearts have been ripped out by infertility."

Fuck you, college!

***

On a happier note, I did make an appointment with my therapist, Rose, for Friday. It has helped to be able to vent here in this blog, but this woman has known me since Oct 1999. Rose has been there for me through a job lay-off, cancer (melanoma on my right shoulder), my marriage to Mr. Jem and all the doubts I had about that, Mr. Jem's job lay-offs, me supporting Mr. Jem through school, Mr. Jem's avoidance of TTC, my fears about being a good, deserving mother (see previous post), our TTC naturally, the stark reality of IF. The last time I saw her was right before embarking on TTC with ART.

I love Rose. She's absolutely wonderful. I had a fantasy that the next time I went to see her would be to talk about coping with PG. Yet another fantasy crushed by IF.

Fuck you, IF!

Jem

BFN: One week later (Updated)

This morning I had my second beta at the clinic. I had a 7:00 a.m. appointment to draw blood. I guess they want to make sure that nothing hormonal is still happening.

At 6:45 a.m. it was clear that I wasn't going to make it and had to reschedule to be down there (20 minutes from home) at 7:35. I had flown back home from Texas the night before and was dead tired. But it was more than that.

We ended up getting there at 7:55 a.m. It was like my feet were made of lead.

I cried the whole drive down to the clinic. Mr. Jem asked, "What's wrong? I thought you were doing so much better."

"I was!" I answered. "But driving down here has re-opened the wound!"

I had a very busy time in Texas, long days working on a meeting. I didn't have time to feel anything. Now, back in the car, all the feeling rushed back. Good thing I didn't wear mascara today!

I guess this mourning period takes longer than I thought. We've been TTC since Jan 2007, so I guess I should cut myself a little slack and not expect to just "be better" on command.

How long has it taken for you to recover from a BFN (if ever)?

Update: Results of HCG #2: back to normal