5dp5dt: I give up

As of yesterday I officially give up. I totally surrender. I'm waving the white flag. I don't have any symptoms except sore b00bs, but I've had those since even before stimming as I was on Estr.ace forever.

Last IVF cycle I was sure it was going to work and couldn't believe it was a straight forward BFN. This time I have had a positive outlook until yesterday. I just can't take it any more. I want my life back. I want my brain back, not this thing that has been entirely hijacked by IF, IVF, shots, hormones, you name it. I'm just so tired of it all. I have done all I can. Okay, I kinda messed up my meds (forgot to take my Fol.gard + dexa-whatever one day and then took too much the next - no big deal). Our PIO shots are going really well, which is different from the other times. I haven't used ice, just massage after the shot. My body is accepting this method much better. Oh, and I forgot to tell you all that I am also doing progesterone/estrodiole suppositories vaginally at night. Fun.

I just feel so tired and worn down by this process. As I was walking to my train last night I said to myself, "I give up. I can't even think of this anymore." Then what happened? Some homeless man starts yelling "Vagina!" at the top of his voice over and over. Perfect. I can't escape this, can I? (Actually it made me laugh, which helped.)

Monday is Beta day. I've requested the day off work. I'll draw the blood in the morning and then Mr. Jem and I want to go to the coast and take walks on the beach, maybe go to Golden.Gate park to a museum. In his words, "we need to celebrate the process no matter what the outcome."

I know I would be a basket-case if I tried to work that day.

Looking back at my previous cycles I see that this is the point where I "cry uncle." 

Why is this so g-d damn hard?

~Jem

IVF #3: Fert Report

Of the 28 eggs harvested yesterday, 22 were mature and all were fertilized via ICSI with Mr. Jem's fresh sample. This came as huge news to Mr. Jem who was having all kind of trouble with not being able to produce.

Of those 22 eggs, 11 were fertilized, exactly 50% fertilization percentage. I was a little bummed that our number isn't higher.

We are going to PGS testing of the chromosomes of the embies and are planning on a Day 5 Transfer this Friday.

Progesterone shots begin Tuesday.

This is where it gets hard-core, folks. I wasn't worried at all up until now. Now I feel a bit totally stressed. And worried. I so want the embies to be "normal" and for us to have enough of them. I've done everything humanly possible to make this work. Why do I feel depressed? Why can't I just be happy with Mr. Jem that about his being able to use the fresh sample? He's all happy and I just want to cry. I know I should be happy that 11 of our babies are dividing and growing in the lab. I know I have to send them happy, positive vibes across the bay... It might have to do with the fact that my tummy feels super heavy (minor OHSS) and I want to cry and crawl into a little whole and make all this crap just go away. I wonder if the est.race was making me all happy and now that I'm off it, bleh. 

Yes, I guess I do need a bit of a pep talk. I should be very happy with these results. Instead I just feel bleh.

~Jem