Monday, February 28, 2011

More horrors...

... in the press.

Continuing our stories of babies being stolen, check out this article about a trial going on in Argentina. Based on the efforts of "the Grandmothers," former dictators Jorge Rafael Videla and Reynaldo Bignone face life sentences if convicted of kidnapping children of "disappeared" political prisoners decades ago.

The defendants claim it's a leftist plot, but the Grandmothers have DNA proof that these children were stolen and that there was a systematic plan to steal the babies of political prisoners.

How crazy is that?

(I am I bumming you out with my articles? If so, sorry. The word can be a nasty place)



Nothing to report... just coasting. And thinking of you, sending good thoughts to all of you who are cycling, and peace to those of you who are not (like me).

I special message to my IRL friend Poppet, who is attending the funeral of a dear friend today. My heart is with  you and your family and your friend's family, sweetie! (Oh, and rock that LBD, honey!)


Friday, February 25, 2011

Bad press is bad press

Stumbled upon this article today in the local rag about a group of women rescued from a "baby farm" where they were tricked into being surrogate mothers, and then raped. 

What is this world coming to? And how could people stoop so low to take advantage of both the "surrogate mothers" and the unsuspecting, IF families, so desperate for a baby?

Makes me think how far am I willing to go to get a baby. I'm not talking about anything illegal, like knocking over a bank, but what am I willing to sacrifice, what lengths am I going to go to be a mom? 

What about you?


Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Black hole

Just a quick note to tell you I'm doing better today. No time to moping about. Work is crazy busy and I'm scrambling to dig myself out of the IVF+death-in-the-family hole I'm in.

That's a black hole and represents how behind I am at work and the mood I've been in the past week.


Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Blame Game (updated twice)

I'm mad. Mad at the world. Mad at my RE(s). Mad at my reproductive failures. Mad at Mr. Jem.

I know none of it is personal. The world isn't out to get me. My RE(s) all want the best for me. My reproductive failures are simple biology. Mr. Jem is just coping.

Except it's been 7 years of this. Of excuses. Of him needing time to "find himself, to figure out what he wants to do." Of lonely nights, lack of romance. Even when I tell him days in advance "Mr. Jem, this weekend I'll be ovulating." - NOTHING!!

Yes, we get along well most of the time. Yes, he gets me, he supports me emotionally. I'm mad it's been well over a year and he hasn't launched this business venture he's been working on and it doesn't appear he will any time soon.

My life is getting up before 6 am, taking an hour train into SF, working 8 hours, then another hour to get home, then I make dinner, then I have to beg Mr. Jem to clean up. We watch tv and then I go to bed.  I can't think of the last time we had any intimate time together. Okay, we just went through IVF and then Mr. Jem's dad died. But this is a pattern. There's often an excuse why he's not in the mood, sick, whatever. We don't even kiss anymore really. It's like I'm just there and I feel so taken for granted. Yes, he thanks me for going to work each day.

Am I just a huge door mat? Why am I in this situation where I'm supporting my husband (again - I already put him through graduate school)? I feel like such a fool.

One night last week I came home from work (a stressful day) and dinner was on the table when I got home. I cried tears of gratitude. Not that Mr. Jem had cooked dinner. Mr. Jem's mom had made dinner (she was staying with us for the week).

I'm  not sure what to do. I keep asking (nicely) for what I want, for what I need. I don't know if he can deliver. And I'm not just talking about the baby thing. I recognized that's out of our control. I'm talking about him making money, getting into shape, being good to himself, really working hard, really DOING. He's just so up in his head, over-analyzing everything. It drives me mad!
MAD! I tell you!!!

Okay, thanks for listening and letting me vent. Clearly I need to go to therapy. Only I don't want to go back to my old therapist. I feel she let me down by not really giving me the guidance I need.


Update: Just a quick clarification: Mr. Jem is in therapy. He does analysis three times a week. He's also on anti-depressants (and has been for years) and has been diagnosed with low testosterone by his doctor (haven't been able to treat the low testosterone since we were trying to produce sperm).

Counseling has helped things between us, but the essentials are just not up to snuff. I'm very frustrated and sad about it.

Update #2: And then suddenly, at 4:00 p.m. I wasn't mad anymore. I just missed him. We talked on the phone, pledged to talk more, spend time together this weekend to talk about our losses, to mourn our last IVF, to keep communicating... a good step.

I'm feeling so much better now.

Monday, February 21, 2011

February 2011 ICLW

Hello ICLW'ers!

If you want to know what ICLW is, click here.

If you are new to my blog, here's my story in a nut-shell:

I'm 40 years old and an IVF veteran, having just completed our third IVF. When we started in 2009 we were diagnosed as sever male-factor (25K count was our highest count), and told IVF was our only option. The first IVF and FET ended in chemical pregnancies. IVF#2? BFN. We then changed clinics and did much more immunological testing and treatment. IVF#3 resulted in another BFN, despite having transferred two chromosomally normal embryos. We had no frozen embryos.
Less than a week after our BFN, we got a call saying Mr. Jem's father had passed. We're still reeling from all the losses, licking our wounds. We're not sure what to do next.

Thanks for visiting my blog.


Thursday, February 17, 2011

Gloom and doom

I'm not just talking about my mood. The weather here in San Francisco is down right stormy. And I like it! I love a good rain storm. Yesterday it hailed and I felt like cheering.

That said, I wish I could take some anti-depressants, because I do feel down. At a commenter's suggestion, I did go.ogle "adoption seminars" for my area. I will schedule something for next week or the week after. I have to have some thing to "do" to remedy this "child-free" thing. I can't not have children. I can't live with the idea of never having grandchildren.


Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I hate FB

Just saw the announcement of the birth of twins by a woman who used to be in my circle of friends. 

Wasn't it just yesterday that she said she didn't want to get married (which she did). 

But twins?

Kill me now.

No more FB for me.


Holding pattern

I feel like I'm circling above an airport, watching the other planes circle, too. Waiting to land. Waiting to be told, "you'll get your baby" from some higher air traffic controller. 

But I may never get to land.

Can I live with this? the words, "Living child-free" keep popping up in my mind. I rebel. I cry out. No. That's not what I want. 

But how can we make parenthood happen? When can we land?


Monday, February 14, 2011

Back at Home

After spending a full week in Boston, it is SO NICE to be home. 

Sharkey, our sweet fur-baby, was SO HAPPY to have us home. He must have really missed us, because when he meowed he had no voice left! He kept purring and purring. He followed me into every room I went into, and if I sat down, presto! He was on my lap!

Mr. Jem's mother has come home with us to California for the week. We got to the house at 2:00 p.m. on Sunday and she immediately went to bed. When I left for work this morning at 7:00 a.m. she was still sleeping. Poor woman was exhausted. Actually, we were all exhausted, especially because SIL pulled her regular self-centered antics - talking about how tired SHE was, how much SHE had to do, telling US what to do, but not doing much on her own end. Then she refused to drive us to the airport on Sunday morning. Bleh. Left a very sour taste in my mouth. I felt sad. Sad for all the drama when we should have been focusing on being kind to each other, especially as Mr. Jem's father just passed. 

The funeral was last Tuesday and was very sad. Imagine driving through a maze of snow-drifts in the Massachusetts countryside. Only indication that we were in the right place was the hearse waiting next to a dark hole in the snowy landscape. Braving the biting cold wind, the mourners gathered around the grave, Mr. Jem's father's casket was lowered into it. The rabbi said prayers and then Mr. Jem said a eulogy, as did his mother and sisters. We then took turns placing shovelfuls of earth on his casket, and saying farewell.

Back at the parents' house everyone ate and drank and told stories about Mr. Jem's dad.

The rest of the week was calls to Social.Security, changing names on bills, informing people of his death. Not exactly fun, especially with the complaining, pain-in the ass SIL.

Like I said, it's good to be home. I hope I'll have time to mourn my failed IVF one of these days. Maybe when Mr. Jem's mom has gone home again. Sigh.


Friday, February 11, 2011

Get at it, ladies!

Tonight's the night to conceive that 11/11/11 baby!

Check out this article.

If only it were that easy!


Sunday, February 6, 2011

More loss

Mr. Jem's father died this morning. We're flying tonight to Boston.

Please send your good thoughts to his mother who feels so alone right now, even if she isn't.


Friday, February 4, 2011

Don't worry...

...I'm doing okay. Big deadline at work today so I'm happy throwing myself into work so I don't have to think about my colossal fail.

Met with three members of my local Resolve group yesterday after work. Wow, was it nice to talk to people who REALLY get it. Mr. Jem and I have really isolated ourselves as we've not told people in our local circle of friends.Okay, I told one girl firend, but she didn't want to hear about it. I let it drop.

Okay, back to work! Time to get over-caffeinated!


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

BFN Therapy Step 2: check! (updated)

I had my second beta drawn this morning, to confirm my BFN. I've been continuing my meds (PIO, suppositories, dexo-whatever, Fol.gard, prenatals, baby asprin) "just in case" (ha!), but mostly to make sure I don't have an ectopic or some other nonsense. I'm sure they'll call me by 1p.m. again. I'll let you know.

On to more a fun topic: My BFN Therapy!

Step 2: Okay, my heart rate is totally elevated by the mocha and apple fritter double-whammy this morning. Yowza!

I shared with you our plans for Step 3 that include bottomless mimosas on Saturday. YUM!

Step 4 is equally fun, no, actually it's MORE fun. The weekend of Feb 19 we'll be coming into the City for Chinese New Year celebration for an all-expense-paid weekend. Free reception on Friday night, free tour of Chinatown, free viewing of the parade, free dinner on Saturday. Did I mention it's free? As in the hotel is paid for, etc. This is a long weekend, so we may stay Friday, Sat and Sunday nights. Considering our credit card bill is already close to $20 grand this month, this is a g-d send. 

How cool is that?

On a less cool note, we talked to the in-laws and they just don't get it. They are very sweet, extremely generous people. However, my MIL is notorious for not listening or being particularly sensitive to other people's feelings. She's a very anxious person and tends to ask the same questions over an over. Last night she kept saying, "But you'll try again." and "Promise me you'll do another cycle." Mr. Jem kept saying over and over, "We're not at a place to determine next steps. We're still mourning our loss. Please don't ask this right now. We don't know what we want to do next. Please know that we will get you grandkids one way or another, we just don't know how." She ended up getting mad at him and dropping off the call.

Mr. Jem just forwarded me this, which sums up the situation:

We don't watch South.Park, but this is perfect.

I'll leave you on this happy note.


P.S. Poppet, I don't normally call myself "barren" and (in)fertility does not define who I am entirely. It does a little tho. Okay, over the last couple of months it has. A lot. Frankly it's been all-consuming. 

All I ask is you go kiss those wonderful kids of yours and count yourself as extremely fortunate. That goes for all of you out there who have little ones at home. You know how lucky you are, don't you?


The clinic just called and my second beta was also less than 1 so it's officially game over (not that I had any hope). On the bright side, at least I won't have to deal with metho.trexate injections and side-affects. Yipee!

Next step: set up phone WTF consult with Dr. Z. Oh, joy. I'm a little annoyed with Mr. Jem right now because he didn't want to set it up. He was all grumpy with me on the phone. Grrr. 

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Operation BFN therapy - step 1

To add insult to injury, I was summoned to jury duty today. They kept me until 2 pm (fascinating process that I was happy to be a part of, but the timing was a bit sucky). I then washed my car (it was super sunny today in NorCal) and then had a mani/pedi. 


Only cloud was that the ladies kept asking their clients, "How many children do you have?" I sat there hoping quietly, "Oh, please don't ask me this. What am I supposed to say? 'I'm barren, I won't ever have kids!'" Luckily, they didn't ask. I buried my head behind the latest Cosm.o and prayed.

Now my toes are a beautiful deep cranberry color and my fingers, a cute pink. I look and feel good.

Step 2 of Operation BFN therapy involves a huge latte and a donut tomorrow morning (after my second "confirmation beta").

Step 3 will take place Saturday here, involving champagne mimosas. Bottomless champagne mimosas. Or manmosas. Or beermosas. Fun?

Good plan, no?